Can someone please help me? I can't do this anymore

[FrankieDoyle]

Hi
NC as possibly identifying.

Im not even sure where to post this topic, could be Mental Health or Religion or Relationships. AIBU seems to get the most traffic though.

Sorry for the essay but I need to get this all out. I feel like I’m on the brink of a breakdown and I don’t know what to do. So as not to drip feed, I already suffer with depression and anxiety, which is managed by taking citalopram (anti-depressant).

My husband left me back in March, he wasn’t a particularly great husband (cheated on me twice, hit me several times, was very inconsistent and played mind games with me for months before packing his bags and moving out – leaving me with the bills.)

Part of me is glad he’s gone, the rest misses him terribly and cries myself to sleep every night. It’s weird being alone and my flat is filled with memories, stuff he hasn’t picked up. He still has some post sent here too which means I have to contact him to get him to come pick it up. He always asks me “how are you?” and I always reply with, “well erm, not great? You left me?” Like, what do you expect?

He will always roll his eyes and leave saying “you need to stop dwelling on the past and move on” etc. I reply with, “stop being so patronising, you’ve caused me a lot of anguish.” He will then send me a text asking me not to contact him because “he doesn’t need the guilt I give him.”
I mean really.

Second problem is this (please bear with me). I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and up until last year I was quite devout. For various reasons, I decided it wasn’t for me anymore and I was going to stop being a JW. (I’m not sure how familiar some of you are with the teachings but they’re very strict.) This has led to me being harassed by the “elders” of the congregation bombarding me with texts, phone calls, and a letter through my front door expressing concern and trying to arrange a meeting to “review my spirituality.” Even though I’ve said 3 times I won’t be attending a meeting, and I’d like to be left alone.

My brother (not a JW) spoke to an active JW last week and was told that the “elders” were planning to disfellowship me. For those of you who don’t know, disfellowshipping is like ex-communication. It’s very extreme and basically means I will be shunned. Everyone is expected to shun you. Even family. This will break my mother’s heart (she is a devout JW).

Third problem is my health in general. I have fibromyalgia, CFS, depression/anxiety, IBS, and polycystic ovarian syndrome. Sometimes it all gets too much. Sometimes the pain/general exhaustion is so great all I can do is cry.

I work full time and I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job because I’ve had a fair bit of time off lately (compassionate leave, due to the fact my boss is lovely and understood the pain I have gone through). Losing my job would be the last thing I need right now. How could I pay the bills or my rent? It was fine when I had 2 incomes, but now it’s just me. My monthly outgoings are £1350 and I normally bring home £1410. Very tight isn’t it? Someone suggested moving somewhere cheaper but I’m just exhausted at the idea of even considering it. I can’t afford to move.

All day today I’ve just been staring at my desk and crying in the toilets at lunch time. My head is constantly pounding, I’m not sleeping well and I feel so alone.

So the JWs are going to disfellowship me which will cut me off from my mum and my sister. I can’t keep up with the housework and I’m living on cheap ready meals. I just don’t know what to do to be honest, I just feel that I want to go to sleep and not wake up.

I’m so sorry that you feel this way, it’s terrifying when your whole life feels like it crumbling.
Even if it doesn’t feel like it at the mo, be assured things will get better.
Forget asking him to redirect his mail, you do it. You control it, it will help you feel better. Do the same with his things. Write him a letter
( once you’ve redirected) and tell him his things will be outside the address on this (any date you like) and he can collect them that day or not at all. If he kicks off tell him that since he left his possession in your home for more than 90 days they are legally yours to do as you see fit with them, so collect them or loose them. This IS the law.
Find out if you can get any help from benefits with all your illnesses I’m sure you could get some help. PIP for instance is not mean tested and does not tend to be attached to other benefits.
Write a list, do one thing in one room at a time.
I suggest you start with your bedroom. Get all of his things out of there, and reclaim it as YOUR room!
Then you have someone to relax without reminders.
Get some advice in the JW thing, I’m sorry I have no experience or advice to give there. Speak to your mum and sister while you can.
Speak to your Dr, get some advice and meds if you need them maybe some time off to figure out your next move.
Keep your boss informed and speak to them.
I started divorce proceedings in March and have felt the same as you distraught, confused etc.
Your happiness does not depend on him, it depends on you, doing things for you!!
You just need faith, excuse the pun, that things will work out, and being with someone who doesn’t love you anymore is not helping.
Concentrate on YOU and not what loosing him is doing.
Doesn’t matter how fast you are moving forward, each step is forward!
Good luck

So sorry that you're having a hard time OP. It does sound very difficult. It also sounds positive in that you are a little bit closer to escaping JW (though I understand it will be upsetting) and your ex husband who was abusive.
It's all a lot of pressure on you, please seek advice from the GP for your mental health and reach out to support groups as suggested, you don't have to do this all alone. You will come out the other side of this, stronger, healthier and happier than ever. Small steps.
And just 'return to sender' all of that mail. Don't text him about it again, it's unnecessary. Take care.

I think I would move into a shared house,you will then be meeting new people and it should be much cheaper.Also instead of ready meals buy some salads and fruit and have them instead.You can get those bagged salads at places like Lidl and Aldi cheapish.

Just block all the JW types on your phone and like the others say get the ex to have his mail sent to him. I would then stop all contact with him.

Op- so sorry you are going through so much right now. But it will get better.
Leaving JW will be for the best. The sooner they disfellowshio you the better.
But that said, your mum and sister will not be able to help you and they will make you feel worse.
Can you not get help from your brother as he has already made the break? I know if I was on verge of breakdown, my brother would totally have my back and even let me live with him or help me move to cheaper place. He can be your rock until this storm passes and you can get yourself sorted.

This really does sound very difficult for you but things will definitely get better. I understand you are lonely without him, but your husband does not sound like the answer to a happy life long term.
Do you have a 2nd bedroom in your flat you could rent out to take a bit of the financial pressure off you,?

Goodness you poor thing, what a heavy load to be carrying.
You’ve had some super advice and suggestions on this thread, but just one thing I thought of -have you registered with your local council for the single persons council tax discount? That should entitle you to 25% off your council tax which might ease things a little bit financially.

What is the matter with these evil Jehovah's witnesses I thought religion was about being kind to people?

Yes, why do they do this?.

Because they are brainwashed and not right in the head.

My goodness OP I’m so sorry for you. If I was your brother/mom/sister, I’d be having some serious and stern words with these JWs - your MH is at risk of declining with their threats! What an utter disgrace, and I won’t go into how I feel about organised religions!! Your faith shouldn’t be tested like this.
Can someone at least have a word with them for you and explain pretty much what you’ve posted here to them.

1. Tell your ex that you are going to stop dealing with his post and, if it arrives, be putting it back in the post box marked "Not known". If he doesn't want that to happen he needs to let people know his new address. Then delete all his contact details and block him so that he is out of your life completely.

1. Block every phone number from which the JWs contact you and never answer calls from unknown numbers. Ignore any other texts or messages, and tell them that if they call at the house you will be reporting them to the police for harassment. Get support from one of reputable organisations that helps ex JWs. Tell your mother that if she stops contacting you, that will be solely her choice and suggest she thinks about whether a genuinely Christian organisation would expect that of her.

1. Go to see your doctor and ask for counselling. Use the fact that you will no longer have your ex and the JWs to contend with to concentrate on getting your head together, and to concentrate hard on pulling things back at work.

1. Follow the good advice upthread!

Pack up his stuff and tell him to collect. He needs to redirect his post as you can’t keep having contact just to pass on post, bin it in future.

JWs can’t/won’t do anything if you stop going. They can reach out to you but just tell them to leave you alone while you’re working through some stuff.
Disfellowshiping is only if your not repentant for some sin or other. Definitely not for stopping association.

Concentrate on getting through this breakup and rely on your mum & family 💐

Have you been to the doctor about your depression?

Being practical if he had died you would have boxed up his stuff and let a charity have it, so start doing this.

His letters write on them, not known at this address and send them back.

Love have you looked into claiming Universal Credit

Sorry i have not read all the thread as coming to it late ,just before bedtime but surely your mum will not disown you will she?
One of my sons married an ex JW so i know how some of it works
It does seem wrong if they discommunicate you, as you have done nothing wrong it seems
All i can say is stay strong, get some help, and try to talk to your family

I agree. Don't contact your ex. Mark is as wrong address. Deed done.
Anything that belongs to him. Pack up in a box and say you will leave it somewhere.
Go to the doctors and get signed off until you feel physically able to cope again.
Speak to your mum about the JW and see what she says. What kind of religion treats a person like this that is down on their luck? Shocking.

*Physically and mentally able to cope.

Take control of your life back :} Good luck.

I stepped away over 20 years ago and have never been shunned or disfellowshipped, at times it would have been a relief. Unless things have changed dramatically you would have to have done something wrong.

Lots and lots of actual and potential life changes there

• divorce
• loss of faith
• changed relationship with community
• changed relationship with family
• potential change of job
• potential house move.

These are all enormous life changes and you are going through 6 of them at once.

Maybe rather than starting from where you are and picking a direction, start looking at where you want to go and then looking for a path there

• where do you want to live
• what people do you want to spend your time with
• how do you want to spend your days
• do you want a romantic partner

Sometimes its good to take a step back and look at the bigger picture and the ideal life that you'd like, then work towards it, rather than deal with problems as they come, especially when they come so fast that you cant keep on top of them and they all just swirl in your head.

If you can create a picture of where you want to go, then its easier to evaluate which course of action gets you there, and which is getting in your way.

Sorry to hear about all that, OP. You've gone through such a lot. I hope you can take some time to care for yourself and have a breather before starting to sort through it all.

There are support groups for ex JWs, one on facebook here: www.facebook.com/Ex-Jehovahs-Witnesses-Support-118780261481037/

website here: www.exjwsupport.co.uk/

All best. x

You can stop going meeting and not be disfellowshipped. The op as a Jw knows this but in her mental state she is probably catastrophising.
So all the people jumping in the religion angle, please check your facts.

I'm sorry you are going through this op and I'm similar day to day with depression and ocd and anxiety. Go see you gp, maybe your meds need changing, after fluoxetine, citalopram, sertraline and others, I am finding amiltriptyline works for me. Your go can help find out if something may work better for you.

Op do the freedom program if its in your area, it was a godsend.

Also when you are able to head to money saving expert they have so much advice on making your money work for you.

Gp not go.

JW isn’t what’s cutting you off from your mum and sister, it would be entirely their choice. Their religion of their family.

I think it’s insane that someone would put JW over their own family, just because you don’t want to be a part of that anymore.

OP this is so tough but you need to break these bigger things down into managable chunkc.

Your ex was abusive and you need help to escape the memory of this relationship and the harm it did you - Freedom Programme from Women's Aid.

Your flat is too costly for your salary. Can you legally rent the spare room? If not, can you move into a smaller place, a shared place? Can you get friends to move you out safely?

Tell ex you are moving and give him a date and time to collect his belongings and have his mail re-directed by.

Avoid the clutches of the JW. Your mum and sis can still be your friends and supporters and you can tell them as much or as little as you like/they need to hear about your 'faith'. So you could say the relationship break up has hurt you and you are taking time to heal/finding a new Kingdom Hall nearer the new place etc.

I agree with others, shunning (or whatever it is called) is a really horrible nasty practice. I'm what is usually called 'a religious person' a Christian and I know religion can and does a lot of harm to ordinary people. But IMHO you need at this moment to focus on yourself, not your bigger battles wit the JWs so avoid and evade, smile and wave and get strength from your mum and sister.

May I ask how old you are? Roughly? It is never too late to start a new life if you current one is not working.

I suffer with IBS and your cheap ready meals sound like they may play havoc with your digestive system. Eating just a little better, might give you the energy you need to move forward.

LOVE YOURSELF.

I hope you will find a way to live more cheaply so you can eat better. I hope you will make some some new friends, people who will support you whether you share their religion or not.

I hope you will do new things, whatever will help you recover your life, SMALL STEPS, so your life will improve.