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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU BIL wants his 2nd wedding when I’m due

68 replies

H2Omelonss · 05/08/2019 14:57

AIBU

My BIL asked me to be his wife’s maid of honour and my husband to be his best man. I found out I was pregnant with my second child and told them, but they still wanted me as the maid of honour for their wedding in our city.

I had a dating scan, and we found out our due date (late Jan) and told our family.

My BIL sends an email to my husband last Sunday, asking him that he needs a month off for his second wedding overseas and honeymoon, and he should cover for him. Since they are in business together.

The day he is flying out is 2 days after my due date. I confronted my BIL, he hung up on me.

BIL: my wedding, my day, my honeymoon, I get to decide when it is and should not have anything to do with you

Me: I’m giving birth, could you chose any week or month that I am not due. Your first wedding is in September and I am due end of Jan. And your brother is missing out on his child’s first month

BIL: I gave a few months notice, he can make up the time with the baby later

Me: I gave notice before you

BIL: change your due date, or pick a better time

The conversation degenerated and he hung up with a “bye”

I called the next day and left an apology for having an opinion on his wedding/honeymoon timing. He messages me 4 hours later to acknowledge the message. No apology for his words.

When I gave birth to my first child, my husband swapped a day with his brother, and the brother told him to go to work the next day as the baby was born.

AIBU to be unset? Or is it none of my business?

OP posts:

Apolloanddaphne · 05/08/2019 15:25

I don't really understand any of this but I especially don't understand the two weddings thing and the bit where you are supposed to be able to change your due date.

stayathomer · 05/08/2019 15:25

I think he is bu but at the same time I don't think you should ask anyone to change the date of the wedding. You just can't make it that's all!

DPotter · 05/08/2019 15:26

The man clearly needs a biology lesson. What's the relationship like with your SIL to be? Would it be worth approaching her, if only for the possibility she understand how babies are made, better than her future husband?

jackstini · 05/08/2019 15:26

Love Titchy's response!

Don't go to the weddings, get paid help in if your DH does need to take parental leave at the same time (as babies are not great at appearing on the due date!)

Yousicktwistedfruit · 05/08/2019 15:27

Why does he need a 2nd wedding? Struggling to get past the fact that he told you to change you due date would love to know what ideas he has for you to do that. If brains where dynamite your BIL wouldn’t have enough to blow himself up.

Bluntness100 · 05/08/2019 15:27

The due date is clearly a sarcastic comment,

As Italian grey hound said, many cultures can have two weddings. There can be the first legal ceremony here in this country, then a second religious ceremony in another country dependent on heritage.

AudacityOfHope · 05/08/2019 15:29

If my DH went off to a wedding when I was due to give birth he'd be coming back to changed locks and his stuff in a bin bag on the lawn.

Your BIL can get married any day he chooses - your DH doesn't HAVE to attend though!

Original poster

H2Omelonss · 05/08/2019 15:30

DH is supportive, and he is taking leave. BIL’s wife extended family is overseas, so the local wedding if for his family and her parents (who live here). I’m not going overseas (India), and the first born isn’t even 1. So parents in law’s (they are staying) are stepping in to run the business, and DH can do part time.

I’m upset, and think that it will always be a sticky point between me and BIL (DH’s brother). If anything, I’m disappointed in my BIL. I actually think he didn’t mean what he said, but will never apologise.

OP posts:

StCharlotte · 05/08/2019 15:30

well, when you run your own business, you don't get employment rights like parental leave

well, when you run your own business, you don't get employment rights like parental leave a month off for a second wedding!

Original poster

H2Omelonss · 05/08/2019 15:33

DH is staying, and thank goodness he had no intention of going (changed locks would be the least of his worries).

There is a legal wedding and reception locally. A second reception of 350+ people in India.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 05/08/2019 15:37

I don't really understand the issue?

You were not ever going to India. Your husband is not either. Thr in-laws are helping running thr business. Your husband will be part time after the baby is born to help you. I don't see why your brother in law can't have his Indian wedding when he chooses?

Ellisandra · 05/08/2019 15:41

It’s not a second wedding for his wife though, sounds like it’s her ACTUAL wedding, when sure back home with her family.

It sounds like he’s being a pain, but I think you’re being really bitchy emphasising the second wedding element! To manipulate opinion here.

How about...
AIBU? I’m getting married late Jan. so excited! Been arranged for months, going home to my country, all my family! We’re having a small wedding in the UK, but India is the main event. Just found out after we booked it that my SIL is due at the same time. Our mutual PIL have agreed to step in and run the business, but she’s still moaning that her husband won’t be off. Thing is, it’s not like he was ever going to take a month off for paternity leave anyway - he didn’t last time. AIBU to think she’s making too big a deal out of this when it’s our WEDDING, it was booked first, and PIL can cover anyway?

So, OP:

was the Indian part of the wedding arranged before you got pregnant?

How much time did your husband take off for paternity leave last time?

what’s the big deal if PIL are stepping into the business anyway?

Even if you do have a point about due date vs wedding, please stop with the snide comments about the “second wedding” as this may be just as important a wedding as the first part of it.

whatever123noname · 05/08/2019 15:41

@StCharlotte I agree. Unfortunately BIL is being a dick and, unlike a situation where you're an employee and can claim your rights, if your business partner decides to be a dickhead, you have no choice but to try and make it work because it is your own livelihood on the line. Having a baby is not the time to put a business at risk.

Looks like the parents are stepping in and OP's DH will be working part time to cover. Seems an ok compromise to me.

The OP is not BU to be upset and try to do something about it. I do think BIL is being a dick. But I also think they have no choice but to make it work and after that look for a way out. Family businesses only work well where everyone involved is committed.

pinkstar01 · 05/08/2019 15:42

OP why are you the one arguing with your brother in law? Shouldn't that be your husbands job? (If there is anything to argue about which I can't see there is...)

You've said that your in laws will help out so what's the issue?

Ellisandra · 05/08/2019 15:43

Crossed post.
So the “second wedding” includes 350 people and her parents. It really is manipulative to start in your title and OP like he’s really selfish having some totally superfluous event

Was the Indian wedding arranged before or after you announced your pregnancy?

Lunde · 05/08/2019 15:45

Bluntness100 - I don't really understand the issue? You were not ever going to India. Your husband is not either. Thr in-laws are helping running thr business. Your husband will be part time after the baby is born to help you. I don't see why your brother in law can't have his Indian wedding when he chooses?

I don't think that the original plan was for the inlaws to step in judging by the BIL's statements in the OP. The BIL expected OP's H to work through the baby's birth and for OP to change her due date to accommodate him.

It is good that they found a way for it to work out - but running a business BIL should understand that it doesn't automatically mean you can get a month off when you want and that the person with the date that is more flexible should be the one to compromise.

Rainonmyguitar · 05/08/2019 15:47

OP why are you the one arguing with your brother in law? Shouldn't that be your husbands job?

Why is it frowned upon on Mumsnet to give your opinion/be upset with with your in-laws? This really baffles me. Maybe the OP wanted to voice her opinion to her BIL and not have her husband speak on her behalf.

diddl · 05/08/2019 15:48

I can't understand why you "confronted" your BIL tbh.

It would surely have been up to your husband to say that no, he couldn't cover then?

stucknoue · 05/08/2019 15:48

Taking a month to get married over there is normal, and the date may not be that flexible - it needs to fit around the family that end, weather (watch the film Monsoon Wedding if you want a clue why). If pil are helping then you don't have a problem

Rainonmyguitar · 05/08/2019 15:50

I can't understand why you "confronted" your BIL tbh.

It would surely have been up to your husband to say that no, he couldn't cover then?

Once again, why is the OP not allowed a voice?

pinkstar01 · 05/08/2019 15:51

@Rainonmyguitar it depends on the situation and in this situation it very much involves her husband so why is he letting his wife argue? Unless he doesn't really care which I can't imagine being so.

Ellisandra · 05/08/2019 15:56

I don’t think for a minute that your husband wasn’t expecting your brother to have a big chunk of time off. I expect they always planned to marry in India too, and combine it with the honeymoon. I expect the email on Sunday was just confirming when. You don’t just decide on a whim to have a 350 person reception in India. I bet there’s been a rough plan for that since the original wedding plans for UK were decided.

I’d love to know what your husband thinks of this. He hasn’t found it necessary to fall out with his brother, which is telling. Perhaps a bit of part time with his parents helping out was always acceptable to him?

Your baby could arrive 3 weeks before or 2 weeks after your due date and still be in normal range of weeks. It’s not like a simple, easy to organise one day event vs another guaranteed date event.

I think it’s a mountain out or a mole hill and your husband isn’t as bothered as you.

Ellisandra · 05/08/2019 15:59

It’s not about OP having a voice or not. It’s about when it’s about something major, you surely discuss together and then it’s more likely that the party who is actually his brother AND the actual business partner does the talking? Which is why I think the OP’s husband was expecting this and isn’t as bothered as her.

Chakano · 05/08/2019 16:00

My dh wouldn't agree to this, he wouldn't even involve me, especially if pregnant.
he wants to grow a pair tbh.

FakeEmpire · 05/08/2019 16:06

Well, obviously the only sensible option is for you to have an abortion so dear BIL can enjoy his 2nd wedding and honeymoon.

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