Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a bit rubbish

41 replies

deepflatflyer · 05/08/2019 13:48

Hospital appt for me this afternoon. Which has meant juggling work and childcare, to the point where I've dropped youngest son off at husband's office for the afternoon. So DH can't say he doesn't know where I am. He hasn't bothered to ask what it's for and if I'm ok. I thought about emailing him as I don't want to talk about it particularly but I do feel he should perhaps know. I would want to know if he were off to hospital even if he played it down like I am.

Tbh I'm freaked out anyway - pelvic floor appt. big teaching hospital. Feeling embarrassed and awkward. And a bit tearful. Also about my marriage which is clearly not good.

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 05/08/2019 13:51

surprised this wasn't talked about prior to apt, is dh normally 'don't want to know about it' with hospitals, some people would rather not know.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 05/08/2019 13:52

Hey, hope you’re okay - here for a handhold.

He definitely sounds a bit self absorbed to not ask why you’ve dropped your son off with him. Flowers

Zeusthemoose · 05/08/2019 13:53

Just wondering why you didn't mention the appointment to him before or told him why your dropping your DC off? You must have known about the appointment for a while?

Re the appointment - I've been through it. Please don't be embarrassed - they do it day in day out. It's their job! If they ask if you if you mind students sitting in just say if you do. Good luck for today. X

NoSquirrels · 05/08/2019 13:57

Gosh, how have you not talked about it at all? Surely that’s not what you mean - you mean he’s just not asked if you’re OK?

Flowers it’ll be ok. These things are all in a day’s work for doctors but really embarrassing for us. Better to be seen and to get sorted.

Original poster
deepflatflyer · 05/08/2019 13:59

I wanted him to ask so that I could tell him briefly and then never speak of it again. But he didn't ask and I just couldn't bring myself to bring it up.

It's not the first time. I've had dozens of hospital appts for a variety of ailments - I'm the unhealthiest healthy person I know!

Only one discussed in any detail was the wisdom tooth because I needed him to come with me to take me home afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
deepflatflyer · 05/08/2019 14:00

I mean other than childcare logistics I haven't said and he hasn't asked. We're both weird I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
deepflatflyer · 05/08/2019 14:02

Told him a few weeks ago and appt is clearly in the family diary. Teenage sons haven't asked either. Not sure what I'd say. They're going to end up as useless as their father...

OP posts:
NoSauce · 05/08/2019 14:05

Didn’t he asked where you going when you dropped the child off at his office?

Cohle · 05/08/2019 14:09

That seem a pretty unusual set up. I think he's probably (correctly?) assuming that you don't want to discuss it with him and is trying to respect that.

maras2 · 05/08/2019 14:16

Not only would DH want to know about any health problems that I may have, he'd also arrange child care and insist on coming with me (pelvic floor or not)
Your DH sounds, as you say, a bit rubbish.
Hope things are ok. Flowers Mx.

Herewegoagain84 · 05/08/2019 14:18

If you want him to ask about it, just tell him where you went and what it's for. Communication is a two-way street, and you not saying anything doesn't mean your DH should. Really hoping it goes well for you today.

Praiseyou · 05/08/2019 14:18

If you have a lot of hospital appointments and don't talk about them, he may think you just don't want to.

Why did you want to tell him once and then never speak of it again? Won't there be a follow-up?

My dh and I can go into minute detail about our ailments and tbh since childbirth, there are no secrets, but if you generally don't talk about medical stuff, I can see that it could get a bit awkward.

Could you just tell him you want to tell him about the appointment but don't want to make it into a big discussion and he shouldn't bring it up again unless you do.

NoSquirrels · 05/08/2019 14:19

Well, I guess if you’ve had loads of appointments and never discuss any of them then it naturally wouldn’t be any different this time.

After the appointment when you have more details of what is needed in terms of follow-up etc then you can tell him then.

Fwiw, my DH will tell me every single small detail about his health-related appointments. That’s because a) he gets anxious about them and b) he likes a fuss! Otoh, I might mention I have an appointment in passing if relevant to something like childcare etc but otherwise I don’t. Because if I am anxious at all (& usually I’m not) I prefer to deal with it quietly myself and a lot of attention makes me feel worse.

Original poster
deepflatflyer · 05/08/2019 14:19

He knows where I am but not what it's for. He didn't ask and I didn't say but I would have told him briefly if he'd asked. Tbh I'd quite like to talk to someone but there isn't anyone. Moments like this make it clear

OP posts:
fraxion · 05/08/2019 14:22

It's a bit strange you can't tell your husband why you have a hospital appointment and weird you're waiting for him to ask, he should be supporting you. My husband would have come with me if I was anxious about it. He took a day off to come with me last week for an appointment I was freaking out about. Thankfully it was fine.

Hope you get on okay.

NoSquirrels · 05/08/2019 14:22

Why do you think you can’t talk to him? If you told him do you think he would not be helpful? Do you have other communication issues?

Because on the surface it just seems like a pattern you’ve fallen into and nothing too terrible and could be easily solved. But you seem to be reading more into it.

ysmaem · 05/08/2019 14:25

Why didn't you just tell him what the appointment was for you if you wanted him to know? You don't have to wait for him to ask OP. Why not talk to him about it when you get home.

Itsyersel · 05/08/2019 14:25

@deepflatflyer is your husband a mind reader?.......if not maybe speak with him FGS

Ponoka7 · 05/08/2019 14:34

How long have you not been communicating and sharing intimacy?

Is there still affection?

Pelvic floor stuff is a common issue and it's normally something that you'd discuss with a partner, as you would any illness.

betweentheacts · 05/08/2019 14:44

Both a bit odd, I think. I think it's really strange that this won't have come up in conversation, at all, since you got the appointment? No "I've had a letter through, got an appointment for X" or "I'm off to the hospital tomorrow for that appointment" or even "I'm worried about X, I'm going to ask for a hospital referral"?

Maybe your relationship works very differently to mine, but this is a much bigger problem to me.

Original poster
deepflatflyer · 05/08/2019 14:44

Yes there are lots of communication issues. He's let me down emotionally in the past. He's ok with practical help (although tbh he never looks happy about being asked to do anything) but emotionally he's bad. We've talked about it a lot and we've had therapy but it doesn't change. If I bring it up - whether it's gently or in the middle of an argument - he rolls his eyes and says 'oh god not this again'

It's so disappointing just from a human being not even a husband. I would rush to help and support anyone who needed it and would certainly be there for him. He's never really needed me to be though.

He's a bit emotionally absent with the kids too. youngest has been in hospital a couple of times and lots of appointments and it has barely registered with him. On one occasion he emailed me at work and was confused to get my out if office - he'd completely forgotten DS2 had a hospital appt about something that I'd been really worried about. If he's had to take time off work for kid -related illness he's made it seem like he begrudges it. I cancelled a non-urgent operation for myself as he was giving such unhelpful vibes and I was worried I wouldn't cope post-op and would struggle with the kids. They're now teenagers but DS1 has ASD and can be difficult so I can't let him have quite the independence others their age would have.

OP posts:
AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 14:46

Everyone is different. I have lots of hospital and dr appts and pretty much about unspoken agreement is that I tell him when it’s an important one or one I am nervous about. If I don’t tell him, he can safely assume it’s not important and not worry about me.

Original poster
deepflatflyer · 05/08/2019 14:48

No intimacy. Little affection. More like flat-mates. When not stressed with family stuff we get on really well as mates: same interests, hobbies, political opinions. I still enjoy his company.

OP posts:
Original poster
deepflatflyer · 05/08/2019 14:51

Doesn't bode well as we get older. Especially when I think how lovingly and devotedly my parents look after one another (now in their 80s and been through several cancers and replacement joints ...). Can't see that being us.

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 05/08/2019 14:58

You sound very lonely, your husband is emotionally absent. I hope your appointment goes well and you’re ok.
If you’ve had counselling and it’s made no difference I’m not sure what other options you have.

Swipe left for the next trending thread