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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I deal with dd (11)

31 replies

BringBiscuits · 04/08/2019 23:19

Please help me. I can’t deal with my dd (11) at the minute . She is just so difficult all the time. She has turned into a really selfish and unreasonable person who is really difficult to like. This has been going on for at least a year probably longer.
She has friends. To other people she is fine and seems just like a normal pre teen kid but the constant fighting with me or squabbling with her younger brother is really getting me down. I suspect she is jealous of him as he is easy going and as doesn’t tend to get himself into trouble. She argues over everything. She’s ungrateful. She is always right. She will pester and plead if she doesn’t get her own way. I don’t know what we did wrong but family time these days usually ends up in arguments and is no fun at all. Our family holiday is coming up and I’m dreading it.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 04/08/2019 23:20

Does she have a phone?

Yeahnahmum · 04/08/2019 23:21

She is not a pre teen. She is now a teenager. And they suckGrin
Bring some earplugs and good books on your holiday.

Original poster
BringBiscuits · 04/08/2019 23:23

Yes she has a phone but after an argument on Wednesday I took it away. She hasn’t had it since.
She isn’t even a teen though? And can that even explain the jealousy and the selfishness? She will do anything to get her brother into trouble. Not all teenagers turn into brats surely?

OP posts:
NormHonal · 04/08/2019 23:23

Yep, teenager. Feel your pain!

Plug her in and let her rage. Pick your battles. Try to take her side sometimes - little brothers are adept at being cute-but-annoying. But make it clear when her behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Take lots of wine.

Redcliff · 04/08/2019 23:31

11 is a tough age - hormones, change of schools etc. Are you and your DD able to go out and do something fun just the two of you? Cinema, day out ? I do this with my now 12 yo and it really helps us reconnect.

justasking111 · 04/08/2019 23:44

OK you have taken the phone, does she have a tablet or other ways of watching things contacting the outside world?

Original poster
BringBiscuits · 04/08/2019 23:45

NormHonal I know my ds isn’t perfect but she does everything she can to put him down and be unkind. I desperately try to take her side when I can.
Redcliff I should probably try to do this more often but difficult to find much 1 to 1 time.
We have tried to have a lovely day and it’s all been about what the kids wanted to do... breakfast at a cafe, swimming, watching a film, staying up late, sweets and treats etc. In theory it should have been lovely but it ended with a heated argument and tears this evening because she didn’t want to go to bed (at 10pm).
I’m not sure how to handle it anymore and have considered family counselling but don’t know if they could help. I know me and DH often don’t handle it well and we should probably not get into arguments. I’m wondering if she actually enjoys seeing us lose it?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 04/08/2019 23:46

You need to stay calm do not get involved in arguments, like a toddler tantrum, turn away and ignore the pleading. It is very hard but you need to do this.

Original poster
BringBiscuits · 04/08/2019 23:48

justasking111 generally yes she would but not this week.

OP posts:
RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 04/08/2019 23:52

My "MN Award For Stupid" goes to the PP who described an 11 yr old as a teenager!

If she's 11, presumably she's starting a new school in September? That's a huge change if so. Very scary for her.

How old is her brother?

You need to find ways to connect with her so that she can talk to you about anything that's worrying her. Do you have any common ground at all? Or times which are just you and her? Or occasions when you can chat?

justasking111 · 04/08/2019 23:53

Is she missing the gadgets? If not are there sleepovers, friends visits she would miss. Is she bored does she have any hobbies. Sorry for all the questions but I am trying to get an idea of her personality.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 04/08/2019 23:53

sorry, x-posted with OPs updates.

Original poster
BringBiscuits · 04/08/2019 23:58

She is starting new school but this has been going on for years. She has a great group of friends. She does clubs and groups so rarely chance to get bored. She can be entertained all day and given anything she could ask for and yet still behave like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Ds is 8. Youngest dd is 2

OP posts:
sunnybeachtime · 05/08/2019 00:06

Has it been going on since you had your youngest DD? If so, there's your answer - she feels threatened by your new daughter, and doesn't know how to handle it

Original poster
BringBiscuits · 05/08/2019 00:14

sunnybeachtime I’m shocked at this. I’m not sure why I haven’t considered this before unless it’s because she adores her sister. I’m thrown at this... I wonder if you have a point. But where do I go from here? Counselling?

OP posts:
RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 05/08/2019 00:24

Without being nasty, OP, I think there's a tendency for parents to assume that when there's a big age gap that the older children will "understand" why they get less time and attention as the parents focus on the younger ones.

Of course young children need more adult input. A baby can't bath alone and an 11 yr old can, can't get dressed alone, etc etc etc.

Transition to secondary is huge. As is the last year of primary school and SATS.

And, honestly, at 11 they're still babies. I get they don't seem it when you have an actual baby, but they are.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 05/08/2019 00:25

No. It's not about needing counselling. Just give your 11 yr old some 1:1 time and attention.

jellycatspyjamas · 05/08/2019 00:47

In theory it should have been lovely but it ended with a heated argument and tears this evening because she didn’t want to go to bed (at 10pm).

Don’t write off the whole day because of bedtime tears (or a bit of bickering, or a bit of a huff) try to see it in its whole, you did things as a family that your DC would enjoy and your DD didn’t want to go to bed. In your mind you’ve given her a lovely day and 10.00pm is a reasonable bed time. In her mind you’ve ruined her day by imposing a bedtime. Both of you are right!

Try to give her 1:1 attention, set clear boundaries and communicate them, eg I always give my kids a 10 minute warning about coming off screen time, I’ll tell them when bed time is and what’s happening between now and then etc. Give her the chance to redeem herself, if I remove screens from my DD, I’ll also agree a way for her to earn it back again by doing chores, behaving well, not fighting with her brother. It works because there’s always a way back from whatever behaviour.

Please don’t try to involve her in caring for the baby or spending time with her unless she wants to, if she’s feeling insecure, there’s nothing worse than being forced to interact with the person that’s causing your insecurity. Let her build a relationship with her sister in her own time and in her own way.

Lastly, look for the good in her - when she’s at her worst, remind yourself she can be funny, caring, thoughtful, entertaining. When you’re having fun together tell her how much you like spending time with her (not “I live spending time with you when you’re good, kind”, just “I love spending time with you”). Let her know she matters, be explicit about it, praise generously - even if she squirms, she needs to hear it and it’ll help take the edge off your annoyance with her.

Dieu · 05/08/2019 00:53

3 girls here. I feel your pain GrinWineThanksGinCake

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2019 00:57

Why are you fighting with an 11 year old? She needs to know the rules of your home are not based on democracy. You make them, she follows them, or there are consequences. It's important to discuss things and to listen to her, but ultimately you control this dynamic. Rows with an 11 year old is just ridiculous. Stop engaging with her pre-teen drama.

ThePants999 · 05/08/2019 01:12

She is not a pre teen. She is now a teenager.
There's an easy way to remember which ages are "teenage" - it's the ones with "teen" in them. The term "pre-teen" was coined precisely because some children who are not yet teenagers, such as the OP's DD, exhibit behaviours commonly associated with teenagers.

Yeahnahmum · 05/08/2019 02:46

@redhatsdonotsuitme
My "MN Award For Stupid" goes to the PP who described an 11 yr old as a teenager!

I have an award for you too but i am sure will be deleted if i type it Grin

A teenager in my country is anyone who is in their teens . Hence the name teenager.

Kid is acting like a teenager too.

So if it quaks like a duck.....

And in her defense of course it would suck to have a 2yo brother if you are 11. Fucking scary times/fun times/different schools/first crush/etc and you have to share your mum with a toddler....

Lolyora17 · 05/08/2019 02:51

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justasking111 · 05/08/2019 14:06

Well start taking away the clubs and groups. You need to take advantage of some negotiating power here. So no you cannot go to brownies but you can sit in your bedroom sans gadgets.

Stressedandovertired · 05/08/2019 14:13

Attitudes to kids on Mumsnet confuse me. On the same thread, I've now seen an 11 year old described as "a teenager" and "still a baby".