How do I deal with dd (11)

[BringBiscuits]

Please help me. I can’t deal with my dd (11) at the minute . She is just so difficult all the time. She has turned into a really selfish and unreasonable person who is really difficult to like. This has been going on for at least a year probably longer.
She has friends. To other people she is fine and seems just like a normal pre teen kid but the constant fighting with me or squabbling with her younger brother is really getting me down. I suspect she is jealous of him as he is easy going and as doesn’t tend to get himself into trouble. She argues over everything. She’s ungrateful. She is always right. She will pester and plead if she doesn’t get her own way. I don’t know what we did wrong but family time these days usually ends up in arguments and is no fun at all. Our family holiday is coming up and I’m dreading it.

My oldest ds is 12 and although I’m not having the difficulties you are I have been surprised by the amount of attention he needs. More than when he was 8/9. And it has to be proper attention too. DD who is 5 is happy with reading a book or doing a puzzle together, and DS(9) enjoys going to the park or playing Roblox together and that seems to be enough. But the 12 year old needs concentrated 1 on 1 time to chat things through.

OP - I was there ildest chicks in a similar age gap 3 sibling set, and I adored my youngest sibling, but looking back I felt like I was expected to be ‘grown up’ as soon as they were born, along with a massive drop in attention and 1:1 time.

I’d just be firm but fair with bad behaviour, and try and make sure you spend time with DD doing things she likes on her own, and don’t make her the ‘adult sibling’ when she is still only young.

I was expected to ‘watch’ the youngest sibling frequently (parents still in the house just doing jobs), and it sort of felt like my carefree childhood had come to an end, aged 10

I have a DS who is now 14 but i found year 6 to be the worst year of my life. He has always been a very considerate quite sensitive soul but god that year tried mine and dh's patience..... it is a lot if hormones although if you say its been going on a couple of years it might be something different.
Might not work for you but i found sitting him down when he was not in a bad mood and talking calmly to him, telling him how his attitude affected us and impacted hiw we deal with him, and asking him to talk about what things we did that he didn't like (i know but sometimes as adults we get it wrong as well) we got there.
He still has his moments but if you can talk rationally rather than just punish it does help (sometimes)
Good luck

Thanks for all your replies. She’s at her grandmas for a couple of days now so I can work. Think a bit of time apart is needed too but do intend to prioritise giving her regular 1:1 time when she’s home. Hopefully this’ll help!

11 is a bit of a nightmare age - they have been the queen-bees at school for year 6 so they think that they have a life experience as great as yours and they know it all.... At the same time they are scared about starting secondary school, trying to grow up too quickly - probably over-influenced by social media. Add to that rampaging hormones that mean they tantrum like a toddler.... for what its worth it isn't just your DD but everyone elses too.

You have been given good advice on this thread - the main thing is to establish time just for her - perhaps go for a walk as they often find it easier to talk when they're not face to face. Tech confiscation is a back up for bad behaviour but it needs to be finite eg you've been rude so no phone tomorrow and you can have it back if you are polite and pleasant all day. Also bear in mind that family time is likely to be more geared towards her younger siblings so she may start to see it as a bit babyish - so more of a treat for them than her. Can you think of things that she might like to do - eg if you have a complex with a playground and a cinema might she like to take a friend to see a film whilst you go to the playground with the younger ones. She might well respond to being treated as a bit more grown up - you can present it as you want to start treating her in this way but when she tantrums like a toddler it makes it hard for you to do so?

Good luck the secondary school years are hard work - my teens seem to need more parenting now than when they were little....

Don't forget she needs 1:1 with her father too.

I hate the American phrase, 'daddy date' but I do think there is a lot to be said for fathers having a couple of hours with their daughter(s) with no one else there.

A proper restaurant where she can feel grown up, or a cinema trip followed by pizza with just her dad may well do wonders.