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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to have kids at wedding?

41 replies

StarB3 · 04/08/2019 20:02

My daughter is getting married and 2 of her uncles have 8 children, all under 10 between them. She thinks it will be a bit much to have them all there and doesn't want her ceremony disturbed, which I think is fair enough. There are a couple of children going but they are involved in the wedding party and a couple others that are just the one child in each family and well behaved. Is it unreasonable to not invite her younger cousins, who she doesn't have much involvement with anyway? We don't want to offend anyone but it's her day.

OP posts:

campingaddict · 04/08/2019 20:06

I didn't have kids at my wedding (just my little boy), most people loved the idea of having a child free evening and if others were offended then tough don't come!

danadas · 04/08/2019 20:07

It's her wedding and her choice who is/isn't invited. However she will have to be prepared that some people will be unable/unwilling to come without their children and she will have to accept that.

Lolwhat · 04/08/2019 20:07

I think it’s unfair to have some children there, either no children or all the children

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 04/08/2019 20:08

See I think that’s a tricky one. IMO either you invite all the kids or have a strictly child free wedding. This just smacks of excluding the cousins which is going to probably going to stir up some bad feeling.

Is your DD close to her uncles? Would inviting them all to the evening be a better option?

user1493413286 · 04/08/2019 20:09

It sounds like you’re suggesting only not inviting the younger cousins and letting other children come. Child free weddings are fine but it should be completely no children or all children otherwise you are going to offend people.

user1511042793 · 04/08/2019 20:10

It’s not child free though is it. You’re saying the uncles children aren’t well behaved. Her choice but when people say no don’t be offended. When I receive a child free invite I turn it down. the upset I have had because of this is annoying.

MsVestibule · 04/08/2019 20:10

Nothing wrong with a child free wedding, but she's not having one, is she? She just doesn't want her young cousins there. It will possibly cause a family fallout as they won't understand why some children have been invited but there's haven't.

Cryalot2 · 04/08/2019 20:11

I think its their choice, but tend to go with all kids or no kids. The only exception maybe the children of the couple .

ittakes2 · 04/08/2019 20:11

Ok just to have children in wedding party but no deciding to only invite we’ll behaved child relatives will create a family rift. Put on childcare - ie hire nanny or two to look after children nearby during ceremony.

MarthasGinYard · 04/08/2019 20:14

I think it's completely fine to have none or just wedding party only dc.

However if she's having 'other kids where's there's only one' then I think she may end up offending family.

stucknoue · 04/08/2019 20:14

It's tricky, if some kids are coming it's a bit mean to not invite others who are family. If she's not close to her uncles is an evening only invite a possibility or a quiet word from you to say they had restricted numbers (this only works if there's under 60-80 guests)

CherryPavlova · 04/08/2019 20:15

I think weddings are about families and children are part of families. If excluding children means people you love and want to have with you as you marry can’t come because they have a baby or toddler, I think that’s quite sad.
The only child free weddings I’ve been to have been beautifully choreographed and co-ordinated but sterile. I’ve never known a marriage ceremony be ruined by the presence of children. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been to a wedding that wasn’t enhanced by the exuberance and candid charm of children.
Entirely up to the marrying couples, of course.

BloomingHydrangea · 04/08/2019 20:16

and doesn't want her ceremony disturbed, which I think is fair enough.

They have a right to be at the ceremony , she cant prevent anyone from being there (assume UK)

usernamerisnotavailable · 04/08/2019 20:17

I'm that's a bit harsh. We had wedding party children only. No others. You can't invite some and not others. Unless they are involved.

Actionhasmagic · 04/08/2019 20:17

We had a rule which was no children except close family relatives which were nieces and nephews. And one of my friends who was breastfeeding. Lots of my friends have kids under 3 and it would have turned into a crèche

Quaffy · 04/08/2019 20:18

You need to have an objective line in terms of which kids you invite, you can’t pick and choose.

I would say it’s fine to say only the children in the wedding party can come, but if you make exceptions beyond that people will understandably take offence.

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 04/08/2019 20:20

It's not unreasonable to have a child-free wedding, but inviting some children and not others will never go down well.

It may be a possibility that she could ask if the children do not attend the ceremony but can attend the reception? Or, if she really is worried it may be worthwhile speaking to her uncles about her concern and to see what they suggest to give her peace of mind?

I would definitely suggest she discusses this at least to give the family a chance to offer a solution. If she is still not satisfied, then she is in her right to not invite them but she cannot hold anger if the parents also decline the invite.

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 20:20

You’re going to get a pasting.

And some gobshite will be along to say “my children and I come as a package” or some such thing, as though they’re incapable of being separated for a day.

And lots of sanctimonious “weddings are about family, ALL family” and “children make a wedding - society means there’s room for us all” and similar nauseating stuff.

Just prepare yourself!

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 04/08/2019 20:21

Child free weddings, or only having children in the wedding part is fine, completely the couples choice. As the long as the couple understand, and aren’t going to be offended if people are unable/choose not to come.

This is slightly different though, I’m not sure how you can say ‘other children are coming, but not yours’ without causing offence.

Yorkshiredolls · 04/08/2019 20:29

we ours bridal party children and babes in arms only, which was explained sensitively in the invite. so our own daughter, Neices x2, one bridesmaids daughter and one baby of my cousin who was under 3 months. would something that work for you? I would so have loved to have been able to invite kids but I wouldn’t have been able to draw the line and our daytime numbers were limited to 50 for fire regulations at the venue. if everyone’s kids came too thered probably have been 40-50 kids on top of that and that would have been ridiculous! as far as a know no one grumbled and the adults all really let their hair down

LaurieMarlow · 04/08/2019 20:33

I’m of the opinion that you can invite exactly who you like to your wedding. That includes children.

usernamerisnotavailable · 04/08/2019 20:35

Oh yes and all babes in arms of course.

TriciaH87 · 04/08/2019 20:42

Personally it's all or none. My partners brother got married our children were not invited. Naturally their child was but so we're several other children of brides friends. Now that pissed me off. My kids are their nephews and were not included but friends children were. I would understand if they were tiny but mine were older than these children and at family weddings we have all attended they have behaved excellently. It now leaves the dilemma when we finally marry if we invite their children or not. My brothers will be there as flower girls but whilst I think it would be wrong not to my partner thinks why she we pay for them if we offered to pay for ours to attend when they said no because of costs but still refused.

Mummyshark2018 · 04/08/2019 20:50

It's up to her but she should be prepared to leave people feeling hurt. Would the uncles expect their children to be invited?
I think either no children or wedding party children only- with the exception of tiny babies. I would be very hurt if I knew bride and groom picked and chose which children they did and didn't want.

Rachelover40 · 04/08/2019 20:51

Lolwhat
I think it’s unfair to have some children there, either no children or all the children

NotExactlyHappyToHelp
See I think that’s a tricky one. IMO either you invite all the kids or have a strictly child free wedding. This just smacks of excluding the cousins which is going to probably going to stir up some bad feeling.

Agree with both of these posters.

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