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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to have kids at wedding?

41 replies

StarB3 · 04/08/2019 20:02

My daughter is getting married and 2 of her uncles have 8 children, all under 10 between them. She thinks it will be a bit much to have them all there and doesn't want her ceremony disturbed, which I think is fair enough. There are a couple of children going but they are involved in the wedding party and a couple others that are just the one child in each family and well behaved. Is it unreasonable to not invite her younger cousins, who she doesn't have much involvement with anyway? We don't want to offend anyone but it's her day.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarB3 · 04/08/2019 20:52

She isn't close to the cousins but closer to the other couple of children they may be invited, as in spend more time together and things. I totally get that you can't invite some and not others. She doesn't want to offend and has no problem inviting them to the reception. A couple of the kids aren't well behaved - by admission of the parents themselves. Always bickering and fighting and there's a chance that could happen at the wedding. Maybe she should just have the children involved in the wedding invited, for arguements sake and not to offend.

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Kittypillar · 04/08/2019 20:58

Can recommend hiring a nanny for the duration of the ceremony. That's what DH & I did and we felt it was a fair compromise between wanting all of our young and very mischievous at times nephews and nieces there for most of the day but also preventing chaos during the ceremony, especially as their parents (our siblings) were bridesmaids, groomsmen etc. Wedding ceremonies are quite full for young kids anyway! They all had an amazing time and actually, even when the ceremony was over, none of them wanted to leave the kids room!

Kittypillar · 04/08/2019 20:59

*quite DULL I meant, stupid fat thumbs.

But yes, might that be a good compromise OP?

Designerenvy · 04/08/2019 21:03

The only kids I feel should definitely be invited to a wedding are nieces and nephews of the bride and groom. All other children should be at the discretion of the bridal couple.
I don't deem it necessary to invite friends kids or Uncles kids.....obviously unless you want to, but dont feel obliged to.

Bumpandtoddler · 04/08/2019 21:04

We had so many cousins and friends with babies that we had "child free" the exception was our 4 nieces, our own son and the son of friends who had to travel for 7 hours to get to us and had no family to babysit. Otherwise we couldn't have had all the adult guests we wanted.

Designerenvy · 04/08/2019 21:13

@TriciaH87. I would definitely invite his kids to your wedding ..... be the bigger person! The kids will love it and hopefully your brother in law will squirm with embarrassment at his actions !
It's so hurtful when nieces and nephews are excluded from huge family events like this.
I'd consider them immediate family but others don't, obviously .

Original poster

StarB3 · 04/08/2019 21:14

To add to this a couple people are travelling a long way so have to bring their children or not come at all. Never knew wedding invations could be so difficult! Just nieces and nephews of the bride and groom is s good point.

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Malvinaa81 · 04/08/2019 21:14

I like the idea of the behaviour test- well behaved children are allowed, and bad children are excluded because they are loud, fractious and generally horrid. (And by implication so are their parents)

And the one child bit reminds me of the rule (now abandoned I believe) in China.

If only we could apply this lovely rule to real life........

I'd beware if your daughter applies her rule, as exceptions are often impossible to justify.

Brideof2020 · 04/08/2019 21:52

Can she invite just adults to the ceremony (excluding bridal party kids) then all children to the evening reception. If she's having one? That way she gets her peaceful ceremony and all the kids are treated the same?

JayDot500 · 04/08/2019 22:21

My mum's cousin (her age, first cousin) had a 'child free wedding' invite. She chose not to go. We then learned that my first cousins (around my age, my brothers kids) were invited. I would say my mum was closer to her cousin than her brother, but her brother had a better job and was married. My mum was single.

Your daughter can do as she pleases, but expect people to get offended if news gets out. We (cousins) always laugh/tease each other about it (my brother and I are the 'rejects', my cousins are the 'perfects').

JayDot500 · 04/08/2019 22:22

Her brothers kids*

randomsabreuse · 04/08/2019 22:36

We've had a couple of weddings where children who were "close" geographically weren't invited but those travelling from further away were - seems logical! Where the journey was more than 4 hours seemed to be the cut off... was helpful for us because we could leave child with GPs for localish wedding and just an overnight but for the one that was about 8 hours drive away DD was invited so we could make a little holiday of it. Am not fussed if our DC are invited but if not we are reliant on grandparent availability for childcare!

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2019 22:46

It’s fine to have kids, or not have kids but I think you need to have all or none.

You also need to accept that some people will refuse to come if you go ‘child-free’ as it can be tricky getting childcare, especially if they’re family and usual babysitters are attending the wedding.

Ofitck · 04/08/2019 22:54

I think it’s mean - it’s not a child free wedding by any stretch, so it’s like deliberately excluding them because she perceives them as badly behaved. It won’t go down well with their parents when they see other children there and I agree with PP about child free weddings being lovely but sterile. Either have none or accept them all a but she really wouldn’t notice them on the day anyway so I don’t think it’s worh it for the angst it’ll cause in the family.

Yeahnahmum · 04/08/2019 23:17

Children free weddings are the best
Why do people think kids (especially young ones ) would enjoy standing around 100 adults is fun anyway?
And to all those people saying it is "unfair" or "mean" to invite only a few kids but not all:

1 this is not highschool
2 stop acting entitled
3 get over yourself

Bride and groom should do as they wishes. And yeah some people will be upset. But who cares. No matter what you do, someone is always going to feel offended.
Unfortunately .

Original poster

StarB3 · 05/08/2019 06:52

Thank you. I see it as their one day. They won't be doing it again, and should have who they want at their wedding. Yes some people might be offended but you can't please everyone. She's had a rough couple of years and just wants the people who have been there and supported her to be at the wedding. Some of the families kids don't even know who my daughter is - that's how much we see them. We can't have child free as the groom has already invited some on his side.

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