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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister in law wanting to be involved with friend meet ups. AIBU?

63 replies

muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 19:42

My sister in law is a very outgoing, sociable, domineering and egotistical person. She tends to dominate social events and it's all about her. She met an old school friend of mine while away with work and took a real shine to him. He works abroad and comes home infrequently. When he does, a few of his old friends like to meet up and just have a laugh about old times and catch up with how he is etc. When he was back at Easter, my sister in law was really eager to see him and persisted until he agreed to a meet up. They are only really acquaintances to be honest but she seems to think he will want to spend time with her over his own family and friends (he already really struggles to catch up with everyone). My point is that at Easter I had to tell my friend to agree to a meeting (she just wouldn't let it lie) and this ended up being a night out we'd organised. True to form my sis in law dominated the conversation and it was a much different night as a result. I don't like leaving people out but at the same time I just know she will 'gatecrash' the meet up in summer. My husband told me we will just have to invite her unless we want World War 3. AIBU in wanting to keep the friendship meet ups just between the old mates who've known each other for so long?
For info: she is happily dating and has lots of friends of her own. My friend is gay.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 04/08/2019 19:44

YANBU, can’t you just keep it quiet?

muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 19:45

Tried that last time but he uses Facebook to tell people where he is.

OP posts:
Tiptopj · 04/08/2019 19:46

Isn't your sister in law your siblings wife? If she's dating other people and not married into your family why do you need to have anything to do with her at all?

VivaLeBeaver · 04/08/2019 19:46

Well tell him not to when he's meeting you.

muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 19:48

Tiptopj no my husband's sister
VivaLeBeaver I don't see why I should have to control his behaviour. He loves putting pics on of the old crowd and reunions etc.

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Tiptopj · 04/08/2019 19:51

Ah sorry forgot it's the same that way. I'd leave her out unless your friend really wants to see her. Maybe just say plans were made last minute

Pineapplefish · 04/08/2019 20:00

YANBU - I would be really cross about this!

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2019 20:03

It's up to him if he wants to see her, you clearly dislike her. He doesn't, you're saying he doesn't want to see her, when I suspect it is more you don't want her there.

It's his call. Not yours. I'm sorry op, but on this you need to wind your neck in, your husband is right, even though his justification is just to placate you.

VivaLeBeaver · 04/08/2019 20:05

Then your only choice is to either put up with it/accept it or tell her bluntly that he's your friend not hers and it changes the dynamics and you don't want her coming......and then deal with the fall out.

muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 20:05

Pineapplefish I'm trying to get some perspective on it. What would make you cross?

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VivaLeBeaver · 04/08/2019 20:05

Or ask him if he posts on fb for this one day block her from seeing the posts? I sometimes do the odd fb post where I block a particular person from seeing that post.

VivaLeBeaver · 04/08/2019 20:06

And yes it would annoy me, mainly because you say she is dominating things and changing the dynamics.

user1493413286 · 04/08/2019 20:07

Does he want to see her? Ask him and if he’s not bothered then keep it quiet and ask him to do the same on social media.
This happened to me and since then we just keep meet ups a bit quiet

muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 20:08

Bluntness100 I don't like the way she dominates and makes it all about her, no. My friend isn't bothered either way. He doesn't really know her that well and he's got so many friends.

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muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 20:10

VivaLeBeaver the fall out is the best worst. She manipulates things to get her own way and just won't accept no. We've had so so many instances of this (Xmas arrangements, money etc.). We stood up to her once and she was livid and in tears almost immediately after.

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NCforthis2019 · 04/08/2019 20:13

Why is he friends with her on FB? Maybe just don tell her where/when you aren’t meeting! This would annoy me too. Your friend is probably just being polite. Why can’t she find her own friends!

muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 20:15

He's very successful in his field and a real raconteur. I think she likes the status.

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AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 20:20

Or maybe meet up without using FB?

toxic44 · 04/08/2019 20:25

So if she doesn't get her own way there's a tantrum. Then you back down? So tantrums work for her.

HollowTalk · 04/08/2019 20:26

Well if he's advertising the fact he's meeting everyone, the only thing to do is to actually tell her that she dominates meet ups and that she needs to shut up once in a while. Hard to say, harder to hear, but you'll be doing her a huge favour in the end. She's dating and I'm sure these guys are finding the same thing for themselves.

greenwaterbottle · 04/08/2019 20:26

Ask him if he'd mind hiding her from his meet up post, or unfriending her...

muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 20:37

toxic44 exactly the point I've been trying to make to my husband for the last 20 years

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muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 20:38

He wouldn't advertise it beforehand. He would post pics after. We don't live where the meet up is so we'd probably be staying with sis in law which makes it seem even more sneeky

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FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 04/08/2019 20:45

But this isn't your business, who are you to dictate and decide things for him?

If he wants to see her and would like to keep in touch that is his choice, you have no say in the matter. You may not like her, but that does not mean he has to dislike her also.

If he would not like her there then he can say so, but you behaving like a child is ridiculous.

As for her making it all about her, anyone who has a problem with it can decide whether or not they wish to see her or remain friends, you do not have a say on anyone but yourself.

anothernotherone · 04/08/2019 20:45

Why would you stay with your sil to meet him? Don't do that! I was100% with you until you posted that you intend to use her for accommodation!

Stay in a hotel or b&b, don't tell sil anything, it's none of her business and whether or not he invites her is between him and her, nothing to do with you.

If he doesn't invite her he doesn't want to see her, if he does, he does.

Your husband is bring odd thinking you should invite her, your role is passive. However the moment you use her as a hotel you lose the moral high ground.