Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in law wanting to be involved with friend meet ups. AIBU?

63 replies

muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 19:42

My sister in law is a very outgoing, sociable, domineering and egotistical person. She tends to dominate social events and it's all about her. She met an old school friend of mine while away with work and took a real shine to him. He works abroad and comes home infrequently. When he does, a few of his old friends like to meet up and just have a laugh about old times and catch up with how he is etc. When he was back at Easter, my sister in law was really eager to see him and persisted until he agreed to a meet up. They are only really acquaintances to be honest but she seems to think he will want to spend time with her over his own family and friends (he already really struggles to catch up with everyone). My point is that at Easter I had to tell my friend to agree to a meeting (she just wouldn't let it lie) and this ended up being a night out we'd organised. True to form my sis in law dominated the conversation and it was a much different night as a result. I don't like leaving people out but at the same time I just know she will 'gatecrash' the meet up in summer. My husband told me we will just have to invite her unless we want World War 3. AIBU in wanting to keep the friendship meet ups just between the old mates who've known each other for so long?
For info: she is happily dating and has lots of friends of her own. My friend is gay.

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 04/08/2019 20:46

Have a meet neutral ground . If she asks say you did not do the invites ( could you work this) .
Otherwise just meet your friend without her and tell your dh to back you up . Let her have her hissy fit . We don't always get what we want.
Do you know when she is on holiday or otherwise engaged then book for then if possible

7yo7yo · 04/08/2019 20:49

How can you use her to stay then go out with him knowing she wants to come???
I was with you till then.
Either go and stay in a hotel
Stay with her and take her
Stay with her and tell her why she’s not invited
Don’t go.

fedup21 · 04/08/2019 20:49

I would absolutely go out without her. If she questions it-tell her it was just a meet up of old friends.

You need to make a stand now or she will be coming to every future social event you have!

She sounds awful!

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 04/08/2019 20:50

Wow, just seen your update, so you're happy to use her for accommodation to suit you? Why not just book a hotel if she's not going to be invited? How awful to purposely use someone.

fedup21 · 04/08/2019 20:50

We don't live where the meet up is so we'd probably be staying with sis in law which makes it seem even more sneeky

WTF. Why?!

Gustavo1 · 04/08/2019 20:52

If she wouldn’t know about it beforehand, I don’t understand why it’s a problem. After the fact, just say “Sorry you didn’t know about it.” If she isn’t in touch with him, it’s not up to you to let her know these things are happening.
If she is invited, it’s annoying for you but there’s not much you can do other than not go yourself x

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 20:52

We're not really using her to stay. We have stayed with other friends in the past but we get a hissy fit if we don't stay with her too.

OP posts:
ReeReeR · 04/08/2019 20:53

I think it’s fine not to invite her but a bit strange if you’re saying you stay at her house but then want to go out without her (when she clearly wants to go)

Gustavo1 · 04/08/2019 20:53

Oh, I missed the bit where you would stay with her. You can’t do that. It’s cruel

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 20:54

FifteenYemenRoadYemen I'd prefer to stay elsewhere believe me.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 04/08/2019 21:00

Yanbu, do not mention it to her, do not stay with her, when she sees the photos act confused and say "it's an old friends meet-up, it's always been them at way, nobody brings other people"

ReeReeR · 04/08/2019 21:02

OP I was with you on this until I saw your update.

You don’t mind causing “World War 3” by excluding her from a meet up but you would stay with her to avoid a “hissy fit”

I think the best thing to do is not invite her but don’t stay at her house either. I don’t think you can have it both ways.

I don’t really understand the who dynamics with the group meet up and who should decide whether she comes or not.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 21:13

ReeReeR I have had this for years. Trying to avoid conflict as my husband is caught in the middle and has seen her kick off many times before. I think standing up to her is the way to go but my husband asks me not to as it's not worth it. I'm in favour of nicely telling her "it's just the old friends, I'm sure you understand" but I've seen her in action so many times to know that this will not be satisfactory and she'll press the issue. We're all a bit scared of her. It's pathetic really and I really want this to change but my husband is asking me to keep the peace. The dynamic is the group of us decide to meet. My friend won't think to invite my sister in law. He won't want her there particularly.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 04/08/2019 21:18

My friend won't think to invite my sister in law. He won't want her there particularly.

Then he can choose to not put photos of you on FB.
You really can’t stay with her and go out on a night she wants to go to, without her through.

Is your DH going to the night out?

anothernotherone · 04/08/2019 21:19

Take the "hissy fit" for not staying with her - because you are in the right to choose where to stay.

Do not stay with her to avoid a "hissy fit" only to knowingly provoke an equally tantruming response for not inviting her out - because if you do that you still upset her and have to deal with the fall out, but this time you are an almighty cheeky fucker for using her and presumably lying about where you're going. The crime of being monumentally, unnecessarily stupid also applies to this worst of all available "solutions".

ReeReeR · 04/08/2019 21:19

I think don’t invite her then but don’t stay with her.

anothernotherone · 04/08/2019 21:21

Did you and your DH meet at school?

greenwaterbottle · 04/08/2019 21:25

Yes you can't stay there after the do.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 21:26

anothernootherone advice taken. Thanks.

OP posts:
anothernotherone · 04/08/2019 21:31
Grin
pallisers · 04/08/2019 21:35

My husband told me we will just have to invite her unless we want World War 3.

If those were the options, I'd take WW3. Seriously, what is she going to do? Strop around the place - ignore. Your dh is caught in some sort of apeasment fog with her. Tell him he can adjust his own friendships to include his sister if he wants but yours are off limits and in fact you could maybe create world war 4 if he ignores this.

honestly - everyone pandering to this demanding toddler. just tell her no. about time someone did. And book a cheap hotel for the meet up. Why is everyone so afraid of her?

saraclara · 04/08/2019 21:36

There's absolutely no reason to invite her.
Book a hotel, go to the meet up, deal with the tantrums afterwards, when she finds out.

saraclara · 04/08/2019 21:39

...and tell your husband what you've told us. Your friend won't particularly want her there. He wants to meet old friends. It's not your place to invite someone he has no interest in seeing.

I'd be annoyed, frankly, if an old friend brought some random dominating person to what was supposed to be a get together of old friends.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 04/08/2019 21:50

saraclara thank you x

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 04/08/2019 21:57

To your husband "no dear sorry, you do not get to change the dynamics of my meet-ups or that of my friends because you are afraid of your sister, it's not happening and if that causes all out war I do not give a fuck"

Swipe left for the next trending thread