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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset when Friend brings porn to my house and shows my dd15

68 replies

aliminimad · 04/08/2019 18:33

My dd’s friend brought a Karma 365 book to our house full of graphic photos of couples in different sexual positions and showed my dad. Apparently I’m over reacting when I shouted “what the hell is this!”. My husband says every teenager looks at porn and as we have taken off parental controls on our home network (ds is 17, dd 15) she could see worse on her phone or laptop. He says I should be more open or she won’t talk to me about sex if she has questions. I think it’s totally inappropriate and wanted to give the book to the girls mum and let her deal with it. Am I just too old fashion and a prude?

OP posts:
KingsBognor · 04/08/2019 21:30

I think it is very different to looking at porn but I think it’s very concerning that your dd’s friend showed your dh. From a safeguarding point of view it raises some alarm bells in my mind.

@Rainbowknickers what your brother did is specially mentioned as an example of a type of sexual abuse in safeguarding legislation.

alltummy · 04/08/2019 21:36

I'm still picturing her showing some little old man.

Rainbow · 04/08/2019 21:53

@aliminimad
The karma sutra is better than a lot your DD would find on the internet. You did overreact a little.
@Rainbowknickers
How old is your DB? A 13 yo showing a 9 yo porn is different from a 25 yo showing a 9 yo porn.

Tooner · 04/08/2019 21:57

I'm howling at the posts saying they can't believe the friend showed them to your Dad....because they haven't read the whole thread.

Imagine sitting down next to dear old Grandpa and saying 'hey Harry, get a load of this'🤣🤣

KingsBognor · 04/08/2019 22:49

@Tooner I’m relieved to have you point that out. (Just spotted the autocorrect clarification on pg1)

EmeraldShamrock · 04/08/2019 23:27

OP stick to your guns. The world is fucking mad when a whole pile of women are down with 15 year old girls sharing porn. Porn is insidious, but not a positive influence for young girls and young boys Karma sutra is not porn, it is an art of love making to enhance pleasure for both partners.

FurnitureAndBackgammon · 04/08/2019 23:33

I'm still picturing her showing some little old man.
🤣😂🤣

'hey Harry, get a load of this'

😆🤣😂

It's amazing how many people don't RTFT 😁

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 04/08/2019 23:43

Another one here who misunderstood the situation based on your thread title. I think you’re overreacting massively. It’s the Kama sutra not pornhub or similar.

For context I was an avid reader of my older sister’s copies of more Magazine at that age which included such delights as position of the fortnight and the rest of the magazine seemed to be made up mainly of sex/dating tips. I’d rather my teenager looked at either of those than get their first impressions of sex (without doing it themselves) from actual porn which is often at best nothing like real life and at worst degrading towards women in a general sense.

Jojobears · 04/08/2019 23:50

@Tooner actually laughing at this

TwistyTop · 04/08/2019 23:53

It's not porn. Intentionally clickbaity title Hmm

Chakano · 05/08/2019 00:13

I'd put the parental controls back on, both are under 18, wtf wants to think about their 17 year old watching porn.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 05/08/2019 00:25

If your husband thought the parental controls were too strict for your 17 year old, why did he disable them completely rather than just give your 17 year-old the password. That way the 15 year old would still have been protected.

But as for the Kama Sutra, a bit of an overreaction on your part.

helpmeiamatoad · 05/08/2019 00:30

Your poor dad! Grin

HUZZAH212 · 05/08/2019 00:31

At 15 it's natural to be curious and they were probably having a good old laugh over it. If you're concerned the girl will be a bad influence on holiday at least you're staying in a villa so you can monitor there's no access to alcohol or the opportunity for the friend to buy cigarettes. If she's sexually active I'd imagine that's with her boyfriend who won't be coming with you, so that's not really a concern. If you push the angle you don't like the friendship your Dd will dig her heels in more (because that's what teens do).

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 05/08/2019 00:35

@Rainbowknickers how old is your db. If he’s an adult then that’s a really common grooming technique. It’s illegal in itself and it’s can it normalises sexual behaviour for the child so that the adult can abuse them further. I’d be really concerned about this.

op I think your massively overreacting, it’s hardly hardcore stuff and teenagers talking about sex is really normal.

Linning · 05/08/2019 04:43

YABU because it wasn't porn and digging out Kama Sutra and other sexual related articles is what teenagers do. I was the first generation with computers with internet and the very beginning of webcams so you would be shocked to know what teens do on internet (much worse than reading a book about sex).

She is a teenager and she is curious, I am surprised you haven't had a chat about sex with her actually because the worst she can do is learning sex from porn (where women are objectified and treated appallingly just to please men).

My youngest sibling is 12, at 11 he brought me a book that talks about puberty, sex and everything in between and we spent a few nights reading it, I wouldn't show him porn (again because porn is not where I would want him to learn about sex), but I talk to him openly about sex, consent, period, anything that answers his questions but also prepare him to have an healthy sex life and to treat his future partner appropriately when he does chose to have sex for the first time. I want him to know he can come to me with any question but I mostly wanted him to know that porn isn't real life and that while I know he will check it out eventually (if he hasn't already) that it doesn't trump real advice from "real people" especially women who are going to be his primary partners (I assume).

If I had a teenage sister/daughter I would want to have this type of talk even more, teenage girls are so pressured to have sex even when they aren't ready or don't want to, and to please men and to not let their needs known or ask for them to be met that I would find it my duty to have a chat with her about consent, pleasure, porn etc...

I am in my 20's and I am shocked by the number of female friends I have who are used to going with the flow and end up having sex when they don't feel like it because their partners nag for long enough etc.., because nobody has taken the time to have a serious chat about sex and what's appropriate. Instead of telling her off about reading the Kama Sutra I would more want to talk to her about whether or not she was looking at it out of genuine curiosity or fear of being a bad "performer" because I would want to discuss that with her.

Your husband is right, by making sex, which is perfectly normal and acceptable activity even for teenagers to take part in, taboo, you are forcing your daughter to look for info on the topic in your back and potentially come across misguiding information/bad content (unethical porn) and likely stop her from feeling she can ask you questions or come to you with her doubts which is the opposite of what you want because you want a daughter who is aware of sex and sexual dynamics and know she can come to you if she has any questions or feel unsure about certain things sex-related.

Being strict about sex has never stopped teenagers from having sex, showing your daughter she can come to you at any time regarding any topic might save her from making a few mistakes or ending up in certain situations.

Wishihad · 05/08/2019 07:24

This thread has give me a chuckle. Very unfortunate type.

OP, you are totally over reacting. Firstly, its not porn. Secondly, of course teenagers do this sort of stuff.

If you think your teenager wouldnt have seen anything like this, if it wasnt for the friend you are mistaken.

Sex and rude stuff is a curiosity to teenagers.

Like pp, I used to get More Magazine, which looking back now wasnt really age appropriate. Position of the fortnight was just the most odd thing to me. Never made me want to go out and have sex. Just looked at it in confusion.

JAPAB · 05/08/2019 13:05

When I was a 15-year-old lad bootlegged VHS tapes of European hardcore porn films would do the rounds every now and again. More commonly tapes of softcore films someone had recorded off late night Sky would get passed around. Plus a healthy supply of porn mags would get frequently studied. The Karma Sutra seems a bit tame in comparison.

Will have to agree with others that it is not the worst thing in the world.

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