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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make DS have this sleepover

29 replies

AnotherMarrogFromMars · 04/08/2019 17:55

DS (13) has a mate from nursery school who he used to see a lot all through primary (although they were at different schools). This child has learning difficulties and ADHD. He's a really lovely boy, and I'm very fond of him. DS and he were good friends till they were about 10.

DS and this boy have grown apart. DS has a lot of new friends; I suspect the other boy has fewer.

The boy's mum has asked whether her son can come and stay with us for two nights. Her DH is ill, and there are few places the son is willing to go to stay. I immediately said yes, as she was desperate.
Now DS is very cross with me. Although he can understand the idea of helping out (he's usually very considerate and lovely - or he was till he hit adolescence), he thinks I've put this on him unreasonably. I've said he can do what he likes, and that I am hosting the boy (e.g., I can take him to the cinema without DS if DS has plans). DS says it doesn't work like that and that if he's here then DS will have to entertain him.

WIBU?

OP posts:
ZzzMarchhare · 04/08/2019 18:01

You were helping a friend in need which is kind. Probably your son feels bad that he doesn’t like spending time with this boy which is why he is moaning. If it was just a different child he didn’t know would he mind?

TheInventorofToasterStreudel · 04/08/2019 18:02

Mainly posting to bump - however, it's your house, you haven't promised that DS will entertain them (judging by your thread), and it's 2 nights. So unless there is something your DS isn't telling you then I think you are being reasonable and kind.

Sirzy · 04/08/2019 18:03

Yanbu because it’s not a “sleepover” in the traditional sense it’s helping out a friend in need - and your ds may not realise it at the moment but that is a good lesson for him to learn

Mintjulia · 04/08/2019 18:04

It won’t hurt your ds to be a bit supportive of someone in a jam. He might even enjoy himself. And it’s not as though it’s for a week...

Original poster
AnotherMarrogFromMars · 04/08/2019 18:04

Thanks @ZzzMarchhare. You're spot on that DS feels bad, I think. He wants to be hanging out with his new teenage mates and doesn't feel he has so much in common with this friend any more (though he still likes him). But he is being a bit vile about it (to me).

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherMarrogFromMars · 04/08/2019 18:06

Thanks all. This is making me feel bolder. I'd been wondering if this was overly intrusive into DS's life to give him no choice. I have been very clear that this is my thing, with no obligation for DS from my POV. However, I can see that he feels obligation.

OP posts:
Nearlyfriyay987654 · 04/08/2019 18:07

Yanbu unreasonable, your DS doesn’t have to entertain him but it would be nice if he went to the cinema etc with you.
It’s one of those situations where your DS needs to put some big girl pants on and realise that it isn’t all about him and you are doing a friend who needs a hand a favour.

nocoolnamesleft · 04/08/2019 18:07

YABU for calling this a sleepover. It isn't. It's helping out with childcare for someone who's in a bad situation. Which you are definitely reasonable to do.

Original poster
AnotherMarrogFromMars · 04/08/2019 18:09

@nocoolnamesleft, maybe this was one of my mistakes with DS - I used the word sleepover, to make it sound appealing. In retrospect that was probably wrong.

OP posts:
AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 18:11

You should have at least talked to DS before agreeing to the sleepover. I know you say that your DS can just do whatever and you’ll entertain but realistically your DS (who you raised well) knows that it would be hideously rude if he ignored this boy all weekend.

DS is on the hook to host this boy and he should have been part of the decision.

I think he is being vile because you won’t admit you should have included him. He’s a teenager, not a 5yr old. Teens have their own social life and want more control over it.

Original poster
AnotherMarrogFromMars · 04/08/2019 18:13

You make a good point, @AngelasAshes.
I said yes while DS was away, so couldn't check with him and they needed an answer. I probably should have made more effort to check with him, though.

OP posts:
ohcanada · 04/08/2019 18:15

I would maybe just make it clear to your son that there's no pressure on him to entertain him. Can you put them in different rooms? Ultimately you're the parent, your friends child, your decision.

Loftyswops988 · 04/08/2019 18:16

I can see from your sons point of view why this might seem like an annoyance, if they have grown apart and because he is a nice boy he will feel obligated to spend his time with this boy - however it is a good life lesson to be tolerant at times when people are in need. He might not like it at the moment because it is an invasion of his free time, but he knows it is for good reasons and I do think it is important to learn to be tolerant and kind. YANBU but I would definitely not refer to it as a sleepover again, because a sleepover with someone you have drifted apart from is not appealing at all

TitianaTitsling · 04/08/2019 18:16

Will they be sharing a room?

adaline · 04/08/2019 18:18

I think you're pretty unreasonable to let this boy stay over without checking with your DS.

He's right - it will be seriously awkward for him because he's going to have to be nice the whole time. It's not as easy as him just going off and doing his own thing.

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2019 18:19

I think you need to reassure DS that if he wants to make a "pre-existing" arrangements with some mates to go out/over to theirs etc. then you will support that - he just needs to be kind when he is around. And that you will happily pay for e.g. cinema/bowling/something else to provide activities so he isn't having to "host", and that sleeping arrangements don't have to be in his room - could do sofa bed downstairs or whatever?

billy1966 · 04/08/2019 18:20

You are a very kind woman. This is one of those situations where your son will have to suck it up.

Overwhelmingly I am considerate of my children's opinions, but I have, and will say, suck it up sometimes. That's life.

It is very kind of you to help someone in a tight corner.

Explain that to him and hopefully he will understand.

If not, firmly tell him to just get over it.

Original poster
AnotherMarrogFromMars · 04/08/2019 18:22

OK, I've now arranged with DS2 (who's 7) that he will have a "sleepover" with me in my room that night (DS2 is delighted) which frees up his room for the friend if it goes that way.

I will also do what you suggest @NoSquirrels about paying for any activities which might help. That's a good idea.

Thanks again for all the views - this is very helpful.

OP posts:
Teacakeandalatte · 04/08/2019 18:22

I don't think you should have to check with your ds and I would tell him I am disappointed with his attitude if he keeps it up.

cansu · 04/08/2019 18:23

Of course he should be welcoming and make an effort. It isn't as if this boy is someone who has been mean to your ds. He is an old friend and it sounds like you are doing a favour for his mum who has a family emergency. If it was me, I would be telling my ds off for being so selfish and making it very clear what I expected from him.

ScarlettDarling · 04/08/2019 18:23

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. You’re being a good and kind friend to a family in need. Thirteen year olds aren’t known for their empathy but that’s all the more reason for you to continue to teach it to your son through kind acts like this one.

regmover · 04/08/2019 18:28

I think you need to sit your ds down and explain that it was a mistake to call it a sleepover. Ask him how he'd feel if his dad was so ill he needed to stay away for a couple of nights. Point out that part of growing up is learning when to be kind.

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2019 18:32

Well done, Marrog. I bet it will be fine once he's around, you just might need to manage the situation a bit. You're a good friend.

Skittlenommer · 04/08/2019 18:35

So long as your DS isn’t obligated to hang out with him YANBU.

Sarahandco · 04/08/2019 18:44

I think it is only 2 nights out of the whole summer holidays. You are helping another family who need help. Tell your son you will be very happy to see him being a good host even though you know it is not something he really wants to do. (a little bribery + a little praise usually helps) I know from experience of having cousins over for a sleepover in similar circumstances that you have to make it fun with a few activities and also create a few opportunities for them to have time to themselves also - if that is required.