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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EXH won’t give me straight answer about holiday.

47 replies

AmongTheFlowers · 04/08/2019 15:53

I might be being Unreasonable or might just being bitter.
I have two sons. One with EXH and one was born after a fling a few years before I met him. Ex has always treated the completely equal.
Last week he text me to tell me he was marrying his girlfriend in December. This made me fee physically sick. We only broke up 18 months ago. And she was the OW. I know I sound silly but I never thought he would cheat. And then I hoped he would come home.
The wedding is happening abroad and ex has asked for both the boys to be there. Which is fine. But he won’t give me a straight answer about rooms. Specifically where my boys will sleep on the wedding night as I’m sure OW won’t want them in with them that night.
It’s making me feel so anxious and nervous. I just feel like saying no they can’t go.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 04/08/2019 15:54

How old are the boys?

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2019 15:55

How old are they?

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/08/2019 15:55

Age matters

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2019 15:56

And what do you mean ‘won’t give you a straight answer’? It’s not a very tricky question so what’s he saying?

SummerHouse · 04/08/2019 15:59

You are not being unreasonable or bitter. You want to know who will be looking after your boys and where they will sleep. Perhaps ex has not sorted these details but I presume there will be all of his family there. Is there someone you trust that you can suggest?

Looneytune253 · 04/08/2019 16:02

Just let him and her worry about that. Will his parents be there? Maybe they'll stay with gran and grandad for the night. If not they're grown ups and I'm sure they'll act appropriately even if it's their wedding night. I would leave it to them and don't let it stress you out.

1stmonkey · 04/08/2019 16:03

Has he given you any reason to think he won't have made proper arrangements for the boys? Or is it just that you want to know? Or maybe even just looking for an excuse to put your foot down?
I don't mean that as criticism, just that you're obviously upset about the marriage and it could be clouding things for you?

BlueMoonRising · 04/08/2019 16:04

I take it that you tell him the sleeping arrangements when you take your boys away anywhere?

slipperywhensparticus · 04/08/2019 16:04

I wouldn't let my kids go to a foreign country where I dont know the arrangements

gobbynorthernbird · 04/08/2019 16:05

We need to know how old the boys are to be able to answer this.

bristolianpielover · 04/08/2019 16:05

Very hard to answer without knowing the ages.

ColaFreezePop · 04/08/2019 16:08

@slipperywhensparticus - separated parents with children don't have that luxury.

PumpkinP · 04/08/2019 16:10

Ages?

LemonTT · 04/08/2019 16:10

It’s a pretty specific and intrusive question. I’m not sure what you worries are in asking it ? Don’t you trust them to make safe or adequate arrangements for the children?

He betrayed you and you have a right to be feel hurt. But by the sounds of it he has been a good father to the 2 boys.

Focus on how you will use the free time. December is a good month not to have to worry about baby sitters.

PatriciaHolm · 04/08/2019 16:11

It's possible he isn't quite sure exactly yet until you confirm they can go.

What exactly are you worried about though?

Original poster
AmongTheFlowers · 04/08/2019 16:12

Sorry! My boys are 7 and 3 so they need proper adult supervision all of the time.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 04/08/2019 16:14

Yes they do actually I cant leave the country without his permission and neither can he 🤷‍♀️

gobbynorthernbird · 04/08/2019 16:15

OK, that makes sense. Have you any idea what's going on for the rest of the holiday eg are they in a family room, adjoining rooms?
Tbh, they've been together long enough that the wedding night is probably not going to be about swinging from the chandeliers.

happycamper11 · 04/08/2019 16:24

@ColaFreezePop

@slipperywhensparticus - separated parents with children don't have that luxury

They do. Most court orders specifically state that the other parent must be notified of destination and accommodation details a set number of weeks before any foreign travel takes place.

Juells · 04/08/2019 16:24

BlueMoonRising
I take it that you tell him the sleeping arrangements when you take your boys away anywhere?

That's just being goady. The situation is completely different. They're being taken abroad, with people the OP doesn't know, who'll be looking after the three-year-old? I'd want definite answers about who was responsible when people will be drinking and letting their hair down.

This is tough for you, OP Flowers

Shoxfordian · 04/08/2019 16:27

Maybe his parents will share with them. Unless he's massively irresponsible then I'm sure he's not planning on leaving them alone.

Boysey45 · 04/08/2019 16:27

I think its not unreasonable to think they will want to shag on their wedding night.They cant really be doing this in a family room and I'm not sure I would be happy about a 3 year old not being in a room without a parent in a foreign country.
Could they share with a Grandparent or someone else who was trustworthy?

DuchessDumbarton · 04/08/2019 16:30

Don't overlook that OP has said the older (7yo) is not her Ex's biological child.
While the ExH is commendable in wanting the children there, it's very very reasonable for their mother to want to know the full arrangements for her children.

Littleduckeggblue · 04/08/2019 16:32

They're probably going to sleep in their Grandparents room so I wouldn't let it stress you out. Obviously they aren't going to stay with your ex on his wedding night and I'm sure your ex isn't going to let them stay in a room on their own, so maybe give him a break. IMO it's nice that he's including your other child in the wedding

RedWoollyHat · 04/08/2019 16:36

YANBU. You'd hope that the least he could do is to be as reassuring as possible about how your boys will be supervised, sleep, etc... You just want that peace of mind.

As someone who went through something v. similar, with ex-H marrying the other woman and my DD being the bridesmaid, it brings it back to me. I felt sick too and would wince every time I thought about their wedding-to-be. Off at a tangent, but on the day itself if at all possible plan something nice/different to do which will be a diversion. Trip to see a friend or something maybe don't do what I did and sit about watching Netflix shovelling down chocolate and getting drunk on your own. You don't sound silly to me at all. This utterly sucks.

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