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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

EXH won’t give me straight answer about holiday.

47 replies

AmongTheFlowers · 04/08/2019 15:53

I might be being Unreasonable or might just being bitter.
I have two sons. One with EXH and one was born after a fling a few years before I met him. Ex has always treated the completely equal.
Last week he text me to tell me he was marrying his girlfriend in December. This made me fee physically sick. We only broke up 18 months ago. And she was the OW. I know I sound silly but I never thought he would cheat. And then I hoped he would come home.
The wedding is happening abroad and ex has asked for both the boys to be there. Which is fine. But he won’t give me a straight answer about rooms. Specifically where my boys will sleep on the wedding night as I’m sure OW won’t want them in with them that night.
It’s making me feel so anxious and nervous. I just feel like saying no they can’t go.

OP posts:

Juells · 04/08/2019 16:38

On the other hand, RedWoolyHat by sitting at home watching Netflix you didn't taint some enjoyable pastime so that you could never do it again without feeling your stomach griping at the memory of how upset and pathetic you were on that day.

Original poster

AmongTheFlowers · 04/08/2019 16:42

The grandparents will be there as will his (adult) brother who the boys love. I just wish he would be a bit more specific. It would just make me feel more at ease.
@RedWoollyHat thanks for the advice. The day is going to be shit. There’s so much emotion there. I was never good enough to marry apparently but that’s another thread.

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 04/08/2019 16:49

@AmongTheFlowers don't think that you weren't good enough to marry. I've seen a couple of relationships which started off as affairs where you could see the couple felt they had to get married. Like they were trying to prove all the shit they'd caused was worth it.

RedWoollyHat · 04/08/2019 16:49

Juells hahaha. Obviously it was a carefully crafted plan on my part to kick start healthy living by ruining choco-Netflix-vino-pity parties for life .

cdtaylornats · 04/08/2019 16:52

I've been at weddings where the whole hotel was booked for it and people just found their own place to sleep.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/08/2019 17:13

Perhaps a brief message to him I would like to be reassured as to the sleeping arrangements for OUR children they are kids not props

slipperywhensparticus · 04/08/2019 17:13

Ok maybe not the last bit

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 04/08/2019 17:23

Honestly I wouldn’t even be thinking about this, he sounds like he’s a responsible parent!

I’m sure he also doesn’t want to subject his children to his bedroom antics.

HaileySherman · 04/08/2019 17:27

I'm sure it's difficult for you to separate all your emotions. I think it's a good sign that you're checking yourself. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know who will be the primary caregiver for your very young children while they are in a different country. Don't be hasty and withdraw permission, but get your point across that you want them to be able to be there, but since he and his GF will be otherwise occupied, it is important to know who they're with, maybe contact details. It sounds like a hard situation for you (her being the OW, being cheated on), but the fact that he has been a father to both your boys and treated them equally does speak to his character as a father. Too bad he isn't as good of a partner. But don't take the good he does for the boys away from them. If they'll be safe, let them go and have this bonding event with him.

gotthefaceon · 04/08/2019 17:27

I wonder if you can "park" the arrangements for a little while OP. You understandably have very strong feelings about the wedding. I would too. Can you give yourself time before thinking about the practicalities?

Your children are young and going abroad without you. It's natural and perfectly reasonable IMO to want reassurance. Sometimes you have to swallow all the emotional stuff and try to make the co parenting stuff as painless and amicable as possible, even when that's not how you are feeling.

So maybe you need some time to acknowledge how shit this feels... here on MN or if you have a friend who will let you rant... then deal with ex.

If it was me I'd probably send a message along the lines of,... I'm sure the kids will have an amazing time abroad, they'll be excited, but holidays abroad are a bit of a new situation for all of us. Sorry I've asked so many questions, you must have lots to organise. Maybe when you've had time to work things out you could let me know what the plans for them are. Give him time to think it through.

VenusTiger · 04/08/2019 17:39

@AmongTheFlowers speak to exh’s parents. Surely they’ll understand. Imo you should say “I’m their mom, their primary career and if you won’t tell me where they’re staying and who they’re staying with then they’re not going. It’s that simple.”
You have every right OP.

VenusTiger · 04/08/2019 17:40

*carer not career

Indicative · 04/08/2019 18:27

Please don't let your feelings towards him marrying someone else let it hamper his relationship with the boys especially where he has stepped up to be a dad and treat your oldest as his own. I am sure they will be looked after by family members. Focus on how great it is he wants to include the boys. A friend's ex didn't invite his own sons to his wedding aged 18 and 14 because it was close family only!!!!

slipperywhensparticus · 04/08/2019 20:12

Ummm it's called safeguarding not being selfish he is the one being selfish not telling her what she needs to know it's a simple answer oh yes x and y are staying in nan and grandad room on the wedding night and we are having a holiday after so it will be a family room

Fucking easy

BlueMoonRising · 04/08/2019 20:49

That's just being goady

Not being goady at all.

If op was taking the children abroad, would she think she needed to clarify where the children were sleeping, or would her ex trust her to make suitable arrangements? Unless she chose to have children with an irresponsible parent, faith in parenting ability should go both ways.

Juells · 04/08/2019 21:13

If she was getting married in a foreign country he'd be bound to ask who would be looking after a 7- and 3-year-old during the wedding and at night. Who on earth wouldn't? That's basic.

gobbynorthernbird · 04/08/2019 21:27

You think that if (eg) Granny and Grandad, uncles and aunts, other family members that the DC knew, and had maybe been looked after by previously, were going that you'd have to check on childcare arrangements? I wouldn't.

mindutopia · 04/08/2019 22:40

My dh and I are quite happily married. If I was taking our dc abroad alone and they weren’t staying with me, I would expect he would want to know where they would be sleeping and with whom. I think most sensible parents would.

Juells · 05/08/2019 18:53

I wouldn't.

A wedding is a completely different situation. Lots of booze flowing, who wants to leave the party? Very easy for everyone to think that someone else is doing the looking after.

flirtygirl · 05/08/2019 19:14

If he doesn't give a straight answer then the boys don't go.

You put the kids safety first. Take everything else out too the equation.

For me they would not be going as no straight answer at this stage, means that he can lie or change the story etc, later on. You need to be able to trust him and trust who is around him because they are also around your boys.

SpotlessMind · 05/08/2019 19:43

Does he have any sort of better nature do you think? Could you have a conversation with him to explain you’re understandably anxious about your children being away from you for the first time and it’s not something you ever anticipated they would have to do at such a young age, so if he could be clear about the arrangements that would help you to feel comfortable to let them go. It sounds horrible for you, I’m really sorry.

Poppi89 · 05/08/2019 22:10

I agree with @SpotlessMind as he might not be telling you because he thinks your bitter and want to have a moan/imply he's putting his new wife ahead of his kids. But if you said it in a way like your really happy they're going and your sure he's thought about where they will sleep and have a great plan but you don't want to spend the whole time worrying about them so I would really appreciate if you let me know who's looking after them etc. And then you can tell him to grow up and call him out on it if he's blatently being petty. I'd assume it would be the grandparents though so if they have a close relationship already then I would try not to worry too much.

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