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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wNt his entire family for Sunday tea around yet again?

78 replies

CarafeOfTheFinestWine · 04/08/2019 13:51

Dh likes to invite his mum, dad, grownup kids and ex wife round for dinner every bloody Sunday. He doesn most of the work, though I end up helping and tidying up. The ex usually helps tidy up too.

I don’t mind it now and then but it’s every bloody week. Last week there was an extra 3 with hangers on .

It eats into the day and is expensive. I get he wants to see the kids who invite their mum otherwise she’d be ‘sat on her own’. I’d like to break the habit. I like and get on with them all, but they aren’t my family,,!,

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 04/08/2019 16:39

I think the ex needs to do something on her own like visiting friends or some leisure activity.
I agree with the others once a month is more than enough and it needs to be on a rotation.I'd suggest that to my husband and if he didn't want to then I would just go on every Sunday from now on. Also he needs to be paying for it all,I wouldn't want to contribute at all.
These people are just spongers, the decent thing would be to offer to host not just let one person do it all the time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/08/2019 16:55

It is a bit much now the kids are adults.
Did this happen a lot when they were younger too? Or is it more recent?

My first boyfriend, his parents had shared custody of him and his sibling, but every Saturday they'd have lunch with his maternal grandparents and his Dad. Never his mum. The grandparents obviously saw her other times, but not with the kids. I realise this is a slightly different dynamic and it was something they enjoyed doing but it did seem a bit strange - once the kids reached adulthood though, and the father got a new gf himself, it did stop.

I agree that it should not always be you hosting. If your DH is so keen to see them all together then maybe they could take a turn at feeding everyone!

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/08/2019 16:58

Every week no

Once a month yes

Or take it in turns

But even so every Bloody Sunday

Don’t they have lives

Tho is this the only time he sees his kids

How old are they

And why ex? She can spend a day by self can’t she

Or

RebootYourEngine · 04/08/2019 16:59

I wouldnt like this. How long have you and dp been together? What would happen if you arranged for you and dp to do something next Sunday? Would he be happy or not. Im not sure the family are the problem, I think your DP is.

BenWillbondsPants · 04/08/2019 17:05

OP have you told him you don't want to do this every single week?

Chakano · 04/08/2019 17:06

He's obviously doing all the work so it can't be that bad, maybe ask for once a month and you go to your family that week.
I think it's a bit weird tbh, the kids should alternate with their parents.

Idontwanttotalk · 04/08/2019 17:07

"There is something about this setup that seems quite bullying to me and I wouldn't like it at all.'
I don't like it when people throw the bullying word around. I don't think any bullying is going on. I do think it happens way too often and it's not appropriate for the kids to invite their mum along. Why would she even think it okay to come unless she feels you are all friends?

OP, sit DH down and tell him how you feel. Offer to host dinner monthly (without his ex) and express that you don't have enough time to yourselves on weekends. If he says ex comes because kids invite her then don't invite the kids.

Chakano · 04/08/2019 17:08

Sounds like your dp hasn't left his wife tbh, still wants happy families and you on the side lines, watching whilst he runs around after his family.

Original poster
CarafeOfTheFinestWine · 04/08/2019 17:10

I’ve been out to the gym....lots of responses.

It’s actually not every Sunday, but more often than not, I’ve quite happily taken myself out for dinner with friends and left them to it. Get on fine with ex, been on holiday etc. Dh is the issue, he wants to see them all and this is the rut we are stuck in.

We’re away next week so he wants to see the kids, I’ve suggested we just take them out for tea tonight.

Ex always broke so can’t host, kids are in small flats/houseshare. His mum feels she’s done her bit cooking Sunday dinner for years.

If we take the kids out for dinner we end up paying.....

OP posts:
Original poster
CarafeOfTheFinestWine · 04/08/2019 17:12

Oh and my family live in another country. Don’t see them v often .

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 04/08/2019 17:12

They are his family. You married him. That makes them your family.

BenWillbondsPants · 04/08/2019 17:15

@Cloudyapples that doesn't mean she has to see them all every single Sunday.

BenWillbondsPants · 04/08/2019 17:16

Hang on, your OP says 'grown up kids', how old are they? I missed that initially.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/08/2019 17:17

Cloudyapples - no it doesn't and certainly not the ex.

Cloudyapples · 04/08/2019 17:19

No, but she said in her op they aren’t her family - that’s not true.

Wonkybanana · 04/08/2019 17:20

They are his family. You married him. That makes them your family.

Possibly true - depends on your definition. Even the ex? But that's beside the point. When they were alive there is no way I'd have been hosting my parents, then my sibs and their children almost every week, and I wouldn't have inflicted it on DP. We want some time to do our own thing. DP never did anything like that to me with his family either. So the 'they're your family' is irrelevant to this thread unless you'd do the same for your own blood relations. Which the OP doesn't.

BenWillbondsPants · 04/08/2019 17:23

@Cloudyapples, that's probably subjective in some cases through isn't it. My DH's ex-wife is lovely and we have a great friendship, but she's not my family because he is their children's mother.

Some people don't get on with in-laws and would never consider them family.

Anyway, I don't suppose it's the point of the OP's post really, she's asking about something completely different.

shiningstar2 · 04/08/2019 17:23

I would not want to do this more than once a month. I know you say your husband does the work but it still impacts on your life as if he's having all of these family members around then you can't do anything else together. I know you said u r happy to leave him to it and go out with friends yourself but not a great choice for half of most weekends ...all of these people round or do something without you OH. Nothing wrong with saying you love seeing them one Sunday a month but you want to do other things at weekends as well. I'm with you on expense as well ...it always costs a lot to have people round.

Don't try to organize others though op. Stick to once a month yourself and if others take up the slack because they really want to meet up great. If they don't that's ok too.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/08/2019 17:25

So fuck, his family, her family, random people they corral from a bus stop, its all the same. It's expensive, it's nearly every week, the OP doesn't like it and they're a bunch of users who couldn't give a shit about imposing themselves on the OP week in week out.

Chakano · 04/08/2019 17:31

The kids are grown up and not part of the OP's family, may have been different if she'd been their step mum. His ex is certainly not his or OP family.
This leaves the ils and who wants them every sunday?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2019 17:34

The kids, who don’t live in a shared place can occasionally host even if it’s pizzas on the floor / sofa.

It sounds like they’re all playing happy families and you’re the gooseberry. Very rude of your dh to allow this to happen. The grown up dcs sound immature to not see this. I could understand their reasoning if they were 7/8.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/08/2019 17:44

They are his family. You married him. That makes them your family.

I don't think of DH's children as family as they are adults and I certainly never thought of his ex wife as family!

theculture · 04/08/2019 17:54

Was he doing this before he met you?

If so perhaps it is one of his non negotiables when starting a later relationship?

I might be felling so lucky he met a wonderful partner who understood how important it was for him Grin

If it's built up over the time you have known him then I think you have more chance to change it!

theculture · 04/08/2019 18:05

*He might feel so lucky . .

gamesanddaisychains · 04/08/2019 18:21

I wonder if your DHs family, well the grown up DCs and the Ex anyway, are all that excited about such a frequent Sunday dinner engagement.. For all we know they may feel browbeaten by their father into attending. I know I wouldn't want to have so many Sundays spoken for, and especially would have liked it less when I was younger and Sundays were even more precious. Hangers on however are a different matter.