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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go and pick her up ?

43 replies

Dumbledorker · 04/08/2019 12:53

My dds are away on a weeks holiday with exh, Stepmum and step siblings .
Dd8 was worried about going as she said she sometimes feels sad when she goes to exh for the 3 nights that he has them. She feels picked on sometimes by step siblings and just generally wants to come home.
Last year I told her that she will have lots of fun and if it made her feel better that she could use daddies phone to call me or to say goodnight or I could even read them a bedtime story over the phone. Anyway when she came home she said she wasnt allowed to use his phone.

This year I got her an old phone with a sim card. I told her she could ring if she needed to chat or say goodnight and otherwise enjoy the holiday.
The first day they got there she immediately started to message and ringing sobbing saying she wanted to come home. I told her to go and speak to daddy or her stepmum and have a cuddle and they will make her feel better.she was scared of telling dad that she missed home because she didnt want to hurt his feelings. I said she wouldnt hurt his feelings and that dad was there to make her feel better and have a cuddle and will listen. Later on he messaged to say she felt better and had come out of her shell a bit.
The next day I didnt hear a single thing from her so assumed she was enjoying herself. Then today I recieve a message from her saying "mummy I still feel really sad I want to come home"
I dont want to encourage her to come home and I dont message her first so that I'm not encouraging her to miss home either. It just worries me that she is so upset and homesick.
Early this year she refused to go to exh for about 4 weeks because she hated it so much. He had taken to smacking her when she had wet herself too. Then didnt take her to the appointment that she was due to go to for the continence issues. We had waited a long time for it to come through and he said he had to take his new baby to an appointment for him instead even though there are 2 of them and 2 vehicles. I was working and so he had agreed he would take her. There is so much more backstory but it would take forever. In short I'm worried and dont know what to do for the best. She sounds miserable...

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 04/08/2019 12:58

Could you call and speak to your ex calmly and come to an agreement over it?
My child has continence issues and dh gets a bit frustrated about it but has never smacked. Did you tell him that’s why she wouldn’t go before?

Freddiefox · 04/08/2019 13:04

When you were together was he a smacker? Do you smack your children?

I think I would speak to ex and explain the situation, explain that she’s not feeling very happy and see what his response is

rebecca102 · 04/08/2019 13:04

Wtf. Smacking her because she wet herself, cause that'll really fix it. Horrid, poor doll.

GoldenHoops · 04/08/2019 13:05

Please go and get her, he smacked your child, he prioritised his new child when there was no need, she is crying out for you to help her. Any come back from him just mention the smacking. Its a hard situation for you but you can do it.

mcmen71 · 04/08/2019 13:09

Go get her she is only 8

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/08/2019 13:16

He's taken to smacking her when she wets herself. That's abuse. I'm not surprised she's wetting herself and That she's crying to come home.
Please go and get her for heavens sake.

Original poster

Dumbledorker · 04/08/2019 13:20

I confronted him about the smacking at the time she told me earlier this year. He said he was wrong to do it and when he came through to see her he apologised to her and promised to not do it again. He wasnt overly aggressive when we were together but he was emotionally abusive towards my son who is now 13 and doesnt want to see him at all. He hates him. Back earlier this year the things she told me sounded similar to what he had done to my son. Telling her to grow up, stop being so sensitive, she needs to grow a back bone etc. She says her step siblings whisper and laugh at her. The youngest who is 5 bites her and the older girl who is 10 encourages him to do it. Apparently all that has calmed down since I confronted him. I feel like i have to be so careful because when I first flagged up the emotional abuse my son endured I was accused of poisoning my son against exh and manipulating him. This wasnt the case. I was just finally sticking up for him akd standing my ground which was very hard to do . My son now sees a therapist at cahms for all the issues I raised and it's been a long time but I am beginning to believe that it actually wasnt me that was at fault for every problem in our marriage. Including his cheating. That was my fault too 🙄

OP posts:

cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 13:22

He hits her.

Why is there any question about fetching her?

icelollycraving · 04/08/2019 13:23

Fuck. Get her. No question. I wouldn’t be facilitating contact with this sorry excuse for a father.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 04/08/2019 13:23

OP I'd go and get her, she's telling you she's unhappy and he should understand that.

I have 2 DSDs, one likes to come and stay and comes on holidays with us. One doesn't, because she really struggles being away from her Mum overnight so we do days out instead because it's not about what we want, it's about what she's comfortable with.

The smacking for wetting herself is truly awful, really horrible. Humiliating and hitting a child for wetting themselves is a dreadful thing to do.

Thehop · 04/08/2019 13:23

Can you message him? “Hi! She’s still super homesick and really miserable. I’ll come and pick her up so she’s confident to try again, when’s good?”

Jemima232 · 04/08/2019 13:24

Well bugger him OP.

Go and get your daughter. Your instincts are correct.

cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 13:24

So he abused you, he abused your son, and now he's abusing her.

Protecting her is a good thing.

Have you ever been on the Freedom Programme? Maybe you should take a look. Freedomprogramme.co.uk

Might help you trust your judgement.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 04/08/2019 13:25

Read your update, fuck him. Go and get her, right now.

Your son is in therapy because of his dad, you know what he does, your DD will end up in the same emotional state if he is continuously allowed to emotionally abuse her.

Please go and get her, immediately.

sackrifice · 04/08/2019 13:25

She's not my child, I haven't even got kids and I want to go get her.

PinkiOcelot · 04/08/2019 13:25

I think I would be on my way to pick her up. You must feel so sad too. Tbh, I think I would stop any overnights. Your ex doesn’t sound very nice.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 04/08/2019 13:26

cottonwoolsnowmen agreed about the Freedom Programme. I wish it had been around when I had got away from XH.

Your instincts aren't wrong OP, he's a bastard.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 04/08/2019 13:27

Your son is in therapy because of his dad, you know what he does, your DD will end up in the same emotional state if he is continuously allowed to emotionally abuse her.

I read that back and I wrote it really badly, it sounds like I'm blaming you and I really really didn't mean it to sound that way. What I mean is that you know the damage he causes so your instinct to protect your DD isn't wrong, despite his assertions to the contrary.

LemonAddict · 04/08/2019 13:29

I read your first post and thought hmmm I'd speak to her, try and jolly her along and ask her to give it another day to see how she felt.

Then I read your update about your son... I'd already be in the car on my way.

Moondancer73 · 04/08/2019 13:31

Poor little mite. Go and fetch her

GibbonLover · 04/08/2019 13:35

Knowing everything you know, why the hell did you insist on her going on this holiday in the first place?
I agree with sackrifice, I'm childfree by choice but even I want to go and collect the poor girl.

PonderingPanda · 04/08/2019 13:36

When first reading l was thinking no, don't collect her as she needs to get used to going...

However as l have read more l think you should get her and refuse anymore overnights until she is happier.

How long ago was the continence appointment? Can't believe he didn't take her - what an absolute disgrace of a dad.

chickenyhead · 04/08/2019 13:37

sackrifice

She's not my child, I haven't even got kids and I want to go get her.

Me too

I suspect that he had a go at her after the first request and she is secretly messaging you to show you she desperately needs you to hear her, you assured her you would listen when you gave her the phone. I would message her, tell her you hear her, ask her why, but not involve him this time. I suspect she likely has good reason.

Although 8 is a tricksy age and she may just be playing you against each other. Seems unlikely from what you have said, but only you know your daughter.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/08/2019 13:44

I've got grave concerns here op.
He emotionally abuses your son. He's 13 not much more than a baby really. If any bloke hated one of mine there's no way in hell. Not even over my dead body would they be seeing any of mine under anyone's law.!!!!
Yet you're on here asking if you should go and collect your stressed out child. With the greatest respect. What are you thinking of,

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/08/2019 13:45

@sackrifice
Me too. The poor little thing. I hate kids being upset

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