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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS doing lifts at all hours....AIBU

38 replies

Grownupkidsstillaworry · 04/08/2019 03:34

DS, almost 19 is a good lad. Has an apprenticeship where he earns a good wage and with this he’s bought a lovely car. His insurance is high as you’d imagine and he’s well aware that any bump, however small will push his premium up through the roof.

He’s not keen on drinking or clubbing and rarely joins his friends but Around once every 6 weeks or so they’ll go out and he will offer to pick them up at the end of the night. Tonight is one such night. He did mention earlier in the evening that tonight he’d be ‘doing lifts’. I hate it when he does this.

He’s very quiet and creeps out, leaving at around 2-3am and usually taking about an hour or two. The town is 20 minutes away, he then invariably gets asked to call in for food on the way back.

I honestly don’t know whether to tell him this is unacceptable, I can never sleep and settle when he does this (I always hear him leave however quiet he is) plus I think he should be really protecting his luxury of owning a car and driving and not potentially inviting trouble by driving groups of drunk friends around in the early hours of the morning. My mum brain immediately thinks of all those awful news headlines of fatalities in groups of youngsters in cars.

I don’t want to be ‘that’ mother, laying the law down to an adult but I know my parents would never have tolerated it - I had the ‘your Treating this place like a hotel’ line trotted out for far less.

So, AIBU? Should he be allowed to come and go from his (and our) home exactly as he pleases or should this be a line drawn?

OP posts:
1300cakes · 04/08/2019 03:45

As I see it, he wouldn't be doing it if he didn't want too. So stop thinking of it as "my poor ds is being taken advantage of". Even if someone doesn't like clubbing (which I never did either), it's still fun to hang out with friends late at night, talk shit and eat some junk food.

And at 19 no I don't think you can really give him a "curfew". Of course he has to behave reasonably, no making loud noises while he's leaving or coming back. But it sounds like he is doing that.

Also his car isn't a "luxury that he is lucky to have", he has worked hard and earned the money to buy and maintain it - no luck about it. Well maybe lucky in the sense that he is able to work, not disabled and unable to drive etc, but you are acting like you bought it for him. It's his car to use and enjoy.

Original poster
Grownupkidsstillaworry · 04/08/2019 03:52

I don’t think he’s being taken advantage of, if he didn’t want to do it he wouldn’t.

I’m more concerned about him being sensible, protecting his investment (his car) so he can continue to drive it to work to earn the money to pay for it.

To me, there’s a far greater risk of an accident at 3am with drunk kids in the car than there is in the day. Why do you think insurance black boxes have curfews on them.

OP posts:
MiaFarrowsWheelbarrow · 04/08/2019 04:04

Where we are it's a semi-rural area and the young people I work with seem to offer to do this for each other when they are a little short of cash e.g will offer to collect their friends from night clubs etc for £10 per head rather than their friends pay for taxis. Nice little earner for them. Is your son short of cash?

1300cakes · 04/08/2019 04:04

I understand your concern OP, but I just feel sorry for the poor guy. He is quiet, works hard, saves money, doesn't drink and doesn't party. Once every six weeks he wants to hang out with some friends for an hour in his car. And he's being hassled by his mum for being irresponsible. Just seems harsh, that's all.

HennyPennyHorror · 04/08/2019 04:04

Well he's not drinking is he?? So he is being sensible....he's making sure his friends who HAVE been drinking, get home safely.

I do understand that carrying drunk passengers increases risk...but he's a man OP. You can't control him.

MiaFarrowsWheelbarrow · 04/08/2019 04:11

I do remember this kind of worry before my sons left home. And then when they left home I would worry because I definitely couldn't keep tabs on them as much as I wasn't as involved in their lives or knew their plans as much.

IMO he's being as considerate to you as possible, leaving the house quietly etc and it is fairly infrequently. He's not crashing around the house drunk every week after a lads night out. Yes he's risking his insurance premium etc but that is all part of being a grown up and learning life lessons for himself.

Original poster
Grownupkidsstillaworry · 04/08/2019 04:15

He’s definitely not short of cash, he does it because he can and I suspect he enjoys being able to have the freedom of being out and about in the early hours and able to go McDonald’s for a tasty 3am burger 😀
I’m naturally concerned about accident risk and selfishly myself who will invariably awake half the night until I know he’s home safely.

I have to admit I am finding it hard to stop worrying about the children, you don’t just suddenly stop caring once they reach adulthood.

OP posts:
MutedUser · 04/08/2019 04:30

He is an adult so it’s up to him what he does, if you paid for his car and his petrol maybe you could get a say but you don’t. Maybe he is meeting a girl or anything .

matahairyy · 04/08/2019 04:35

He’s going out to use drugs. Or buy them

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/08/2019 04:37

I wouldn't be happy either but we have 2 very visual reminders near us as to why this isn't a good idea.
If he's tired, he shouldn't be doing it.
If he's not tired, then it's not such an issue for him but I agree having a bunch of drunks in the car is an increased risk factor already. Also at that time of night there are far too many idiots taking advantage of the quieter roads to speed, do stupid stunts like handbrake turns etc.

Whether he's one of the idiots is another matter - you can only take his work for it!
Or you could maybe get a dashcam for him (front or rear) so that he would have a record if anything went wrong. But he'd have to agree to that of course.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 04/08/2019 04:46

He sounds like a nice lad who will be being sensible because he values his car and works hard for it. I would worry too but I think you have to just let him get on with it because he's 19. Most young people come through all these things ok but I completely get where you are coming from.

Id tell him how you feel and explain that because you are his mum you will always worry about him. There's no harm in reminding him to be sensible, we are almost 40 and MIL still reminds us to drive carefully. Ask him to be as quiet as possible when he's coming in and out of the house late at night and hopefully you will be able to sleep.

HolidayReads · 04/08/2019 05:09

@matahairyy speaking from experience? Or just shit stirring and worrying OP even more for absolutely no reason? And

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 05:17

If DS were at uni with his car (or without it) you wouldn't have a clue what he was doing. Be grateful for what you have.

Herocomplex · 04/08/2019 05:21

mata it’s only once every six weeks. More frequently and I might be inclined to agree.

Chouetted · 04/08/2019 05:39

I don't think it's reasonable to blame him for your inability to sleep.

My mother used to sit up and moan if I wanted to watch late night TV, because she didn't feel comfortable going to bed and leaving 20 year old me downstairs alone.

You're not that bad, but it still may feel quite suffocating for your son. Your anxiety is your problem, not his.

I learnt this from staying with my grandmother, who told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to worry about her worrying about me if I went out late. She would be worrying whatever I did, because that's what grandmothers do, so I may as well accept it and enjoy myself.

I thought that was good advice. FWIW, I still stay with her all these years later, and she's long stopped paying any attention to what hours I keep. This phase is normal, but you have to let it happen.

Furrydogmum · 04/08/2019 05:42

Has it reflected on his black box readings? My son found he wasn't getting full bonus payments on his because although he was driving well, he was travelling at peak times - to work and back!! He also enjoys doing favours for his mates - bloody 500 mile round trip airport runs etc 😒

CornishButNotBeachLover · 04/08/2019 05:51

It's common practice for my ds and his friends around here in rural area.

They mostly get taxis, but sometimes if one friend isn't going out they'll do the lifts home for cheaper than taxi fare.
PP mentioning drugs is just scare-mongering.

shazchip · 04/08/2019 05:53

"So, AIBU? Should he be allowed to come and go from his (and our) home exactly as he pleases or should this be a line drawn?"

I don't understand - it's almost like you resent him for just going out late at night and (in your words) treating the place like a hotel. Would you still have this resentment if he was just walking around and not driving?

I'm not a mother so can't really understand your worrying (plus I'm generally a chilled person), but I grew up with a mum who was very similar (used to say she couldn't sleep until I was home) ... and it's very very irritating... he's an adult, let him live his life as he wants. It's not as if he's inconsiderate or disturbs you when he goes out. If you try to set a curfew he's just going to resent you.

Theimpossiblegirl · 04/08/2019 05:58

Doing lifts is a normal thing, it doesn't mean he is doing drugs.
Dd gets calls asking if she will do lifts and I understand why, as a parent, you would worry. Luckily Dd loves her sleep so declines, but it can be a nice, sociable thing to do.

SeaEagle21 · 04/08/2019 06:05

To me, there’s a far greater risk of an accident at 3am with drunk kids in the car

But that normally means that the driver has also been drinking. A sober driver is no more likely to have an accident than anyone else - his passengers won't cause an accident.

Your son is being a nice friend - I wouldn't overthink this at all. He is an adult and can do this if he wants to . Your misgivings are a bit over the top to me.

I used to do the "lift giving" every week when my kids were in their late teens - they'd ring me at 4am and I'd pick up not only them, but half-a-dozen of their drunk friends, and take them all home. I never thought I was being taken advantage of, I just thought that I was keeping them safe. If you try to stop DS from being a good friend you're asking for trouble imho.

SeaEagle21 · 04/08/2019 06:10

I can never sleep and settle when he does this (I always hear him leave however quiet he is)

Reminds me of my mother, who'd stay up whenever I went out, then get angry when I arrived home " because you kept me awake". This was until I left home at 22. Talk about being unreasonable !

Ribrabrob · 04/08/2019 06:11

OP you sound very overbearing. He goes out once every six weeks to spend a nice hour with friends? Please, don't resent him for this. And please, do 'allow' him to come and go as he pleases - it's his house!

It's not fair when parents allow their worrying to stop their children having perfectly harmless fun.

Needacareer101 · 04/08/2019 06:58

I think he does sound sensible. He's making sure his friends get home safely when they aren't in a sound mind to do so. Are there girls in his group of friends? I think you should say well done to him for making sure they have a way home safely. Of course this is their responsibility but it's nice that he cares enough about his friends to do that for them.

He sounds like a respectable young man.

matahairyy · 04/08/2019 08:45

Yup. Lots of experience.

tinydancer88 · 04/08/2019 08:54

This is what we used to do when I was a teenager - those who could drive and were a bit short of cash that week would arrange to give those who had gone out a lift home and the passengers would give them a fiver each. Much nicer than an expensive (or potentially dodgy & unlicensed) taxi.

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