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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are my parents not taking this seriously??

37 replies

Moofreemum1 · 04/08/2019 00:25

I've had 2 previous posts about being harassed by a man I was dating for 6 weeks. Won't go into it too much but I've called the police tonight to put in a complaint as he still isn't leaving me alone. I've just told my parents he set a false social media account up and pointed out why I knew it was him. Their reaction was "well obviously he just likes you more than you like him". No reassurance or concern for me and that I'm scared. I'm staying at my parents btw because I feel uneasy and usually live alone with DS. He's at his dad's this weekend. They have now gone to bed. Didn't ask if I was ok, just minimising. Seems like they feel I'm blowing this out of proportion even though all of my friends have said I need to report his behaviour. AIBU to be upset/frustrated with them? Why wont they take this seriously and support me.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 04/08/2019 00:27

It's the whole mindset of "If he's mean to you he must like you", isn't it? I'm sorry you are going through this.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2019 00:30

Well do they normally minimise your feelings and try to stifle your emotions? Or do thry just think "well it's just something n the Internet, it can't hurt her?".
Only you know if your parents are generally unsupportive in which case I think it's unlikely they'll change and you need to get support elsewhere, or if they're just a bit clueless in which you can choose to sit down with them both and explain exactly what you're worried will happen, or leave them in their ignorance and get support elsewhere.

I'm sorry this is happening to you

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 04/08/2019 00:32

Well my mum said to me about my previous abusive relationship that I went into a refuge about "are you sure it's not in your head" "He can't be that bad"

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Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 04/08/2019 00:32

I don't really have any other support :( I feel scared and alone

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PumpkinP · 04/08/2019 00:40

She sounds like my mum. My ex trapped me in his house and wouldn’t let me leave and when He finally did let me leave I explained to my mum what happened and she said “well you could have just climbed out the window!” She wouldn’t believe me that I couldn’t “just leave” until I showed her the massive bruise on my arm that he did. Some people just really have no clue especially when they haven’t been through it!

Are the police doing much to stop him? Sorry you are going through this.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2019 00:41

What about the friends who told you to go to the police op? They might not be able to offer practical help but is there anyone there you could talk to?

I think you have to accept that your parents aren't going to "get" this, that practical support ie you stopping there, is doable, but emotional is not. I'm not saying that's OK, but given her awful abuse comments, she's really not the person you need emotionally

VenusTiger · 04/08/2019 00:48

@Moofreemum1 are they elderly? As in, do they not know the world of social media/tinder/dating websites and how predatory some can be?

I think it’s a lack of understanding plus having lived a safe and sheltered life themselves, so know nothing of the risks out there “these days”.

Kaddm · 04/08/2019 00:52

If they have not experienced stalking or harassment then they may not understand how serious/threatening it is. It doesn’t sound serious on the surface to someone unaware. “A few unwanted messages” for example.

Would they be willing to read a description/impact of this kind of thing online to educate themselves?

MammaBot211 · 04/08/2019 01:07

What exactly do you want them to do? They are letting you stay at their house, you have informed The Police, so I'm a bit puzzled as to what you expect?

Moomin12345 · 04/08/2019 01:10

Forget your parents. It's unfortunate, yes. The key thing is ensuring the police are taking this seriously

BluebonicPlague · 04/08/2019 01:20

Are you safe right now, Moofreemum1?

Then tell them how much you appreciate that.

Talk to your parents in the morning. Try to be calm as they probably don't have a clue about social media. If they're stuck in the C20th the nearest analogy to help them understand is saying it's like having a creep parked outside your house all day and night and then following you around everywhere in a car.

They really aren't going to get it otherwise.

Then maybe show them what's inescapable online.

At least, I hope you can get through to them how threatened you feel without them trying to judge from their limited experience how reasonable that sense of threat is.

It's good that you've involved the police and I hope your parents realise that this means it's being taken seriously and it will dawn on them that you need their support.

LemonRedwood · 04/08/2019 01:25

You have my utmost sympathy OP Flowers

Stalking is massively underrated (underestimated? I've had a drink or two tonight so can't think of the right word) by pretty much everyone, including the police. IME it gets translated as "but he just likes you" and you're supposed to find it flattering. Well, when he was sitting on the kerb outside my house and then battering on the door at 10-minute intervals in the middle of the night it wasn't exactly "flattering". And because I'd agreed to a date with him in the first place, and had been seeing him for about 3 weeks, before I knew that he was a stalky weirdo, I was pretty much treated like I'd asked for it and should've expected it.

None of my family, nor the police, took it seriously. I was told by the police that there was nothing they could do as he hadn't actually threatened me. None of the vile, abusive voicemails counted as "threatening" as they were "just calling me names". Orange (as they were at the time) were more helpful as they blocked his mobile (back in the days before you could just do it yourself) but he then just used other people's phones.

It was only when I encountered him at the end of a night out - I was waiting for a taxi and he had most likely been tailing me all evening - and I came away with bruises all up my arms (forearms and upper arms from him repeatedly grabbing to try to get me to speak to/stay with him) that anyone began to take me seriously.

I'm afraid I can't really offer much constructive advice as my experience was a while ago and it took me getting injured before people began to realise I wasn't exaggerating but I think your friends are right when they say you need to report him. The more that's on file the better. And keep repeating to those you are close to how unsafe you feel when he is around or gets in contact. The message will get through eventually.

BitOfFun · 04/08/2019 01:45

I recommend that you contact this organisation for help and advice. Do everything you can to protect yourself.

mathanxiety · 04/08/2019 02:09

How old are your parents?

People from older generations have a different perspective on abusive relationships and aberrant male behaviour. Same goes for people who have little curiosity and no personal experience of abuse.

Unfortunately, the police and judiciary often behave as if it's still 1952 too.

OutComeTheWolves · 04/08/2019 02:11

Completely agree with @LemonRedwood that stalking is massively underestimated.

Years and years ago my mum did jury service. At the time I was too young to care or ask about the details, but just recently she was talking about it and mentioned that basically the guy had broken in to a female acquaintance's house and done some massively creepy things. She then ended it by saying 'I don't really think he was a criminal. He just liked her and didn't really know how to show it,' I mean she's always been one of the patriarchy's biggest cheerleaders but that surprised me!

AtSea1979 · 04/08/2019 02:24

But your parents have put you up for the night so you aren’t alone??? Sounds like the are playing it down to try and reassure you but you want more of a reaction. You have contacted the police, you have your parents to go to. What else is it you want?

BitOfFun · 04/08/2019 02:30

Perhaps a bit of empathy? Or maybe some acknowledgement of how scared she is?

SimplySteveRedux · 04/08/2019 04:37

Hope you're safe @Moofreemum1

When my parents learned I was raped as a child their response was "but it was long ago and you're ok now".

Stalking is indeed massively underestimated, under judged and almost seen as socially acceptable by some, bit of a joke.

When the reality is a woman is raped every six minutes in the UK, with 90% knowing their abuser. Perhaps you should make your parents aware of this.

Stalking is a humongous issue.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 04/08/2019 06:49

@sleepingstandingup I have one close friend who I can speak to. She understands as she was in the refuge with me. Shes in a different city atm going through her own stuff so I can't rely on her too much.
My parents didn't really put me up, I have a key and text my mum saying I'm staying at yours. They weren't here until gone midnight when they got home.
They are not elderly. Both have social media accounts. My dad uses his regularly. However growing up with them they have had a abusive relationship on both sides they both think their relationship is normal so I'm not sure if they could spot abuse if it smacked them in the face.
You just expect emotional support from parents don't you, and expect for them to say it's ok, we will all be here and get it sorted. Not minimise and think I'm over reacting. It then makes me doubt myself but if I was over reacting then the police wouldn't urge me to make a statement.

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Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 04/08/2019 06:51

Really sorry about people's experiences Flowers
@simplysteverudux that's awful! [Flowers]

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SimplySteveRedux · 04/08/2019 06:56

However growing up with them they have had a abusive relationship on both sides they both think their relationship is normal so I'm not sure if they could spot abuse if it smacked them in the face.

We learn our boundaries from our parents, it's entirely possible they are emotionally numb. Good to see you've broken the cycle.

And thank you for your empathy Thanks

SamStephens · 04/08/2019 07:28

I think it comes from a certain naivety of some people to be honest. I don’t think they’re actively not caring about your safety or wellbeing just a bit blind to the reality of the dangers of the situation.

I had a similar experience in high school with a boy who wouldn’t take no for an answer and every time I reported feeling uncomfortable or unsafe my parents and teachers alike would play the “he just likes you, he’s a good boy” card and it completely skewed my perception of the situation until he became violent and tried to kill me. It wasn’t until I laid out all the threats he’d made in writing to my folks for them to realise the seriousness and go to the police with me. That took me 3 years! I’m sure my folks still suffer a level of guilt over that.

Even then I remember our head teacher taking me aside - a woman no less - to grill me about ruining HIS life and what would I do if HE killed himself over my actions etc. it was horrendous, even moreso reflecting back on it as an adult and realising the truth around abusive and manipulative people.

I hope you’re safe and the police take it seriously.

Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 04/08/2019 07:51

That reminds me of the 1st time I told my parents I might call the people. I told her I had told him not to contact me and I'll call the people if he does. She had a go at me and said I could ruin people's lives doing that Gin made me so angry! Like she thinks I'm exaggerating and out to ruin his life for fun! Not the fact he is obsessed after 6 weeks and has been harassing me!

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Original poster
Moofreemum1 · 04/08/2019 08:03

The people=the police. Sorry typo!

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cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 08:06

I really hope the police put a stop to it for you.

And of course you wanted your parents to show some understanding of what you're going through - it's an important way to show you care about someone and for that person to feel safe.

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