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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son had a tantrum feel like bad parent

30 replies

Whatisnormalhere · 03/08/2019 21:13

I have autism and I suspect my son does too. My DS is 2 years old and has started having really bad tantrums that can last over an hour. The trigger can be anything. Tonight he woke up by himself in his bed. I heard him crying which is what he usually does till I go to him. So I turn the living room light on cause it was pitch black and I didn't want to frighten him. I ended up frightening him anyway.. the same thing happened earlier except I was in his bed and he was in bed with his dad.

Anyway it set him off real bad this time, he was scared of me, he didn't want me to touch him. He was threw himself off the bed and was hurting himself. I try to stop him and pick him up but he starts hitting me and I don't want to drop him by accident so I put him back down.
Then he climbs on the bed and forces himself to be stuck under the bottom end of the bed frame... he does this while having a tantrum. He tries to stick his legs through the top of the bed frame too. Then he cries like he's in pain.. I remove him from the frame and he just gets upset and does it again, if I remove him again the same thing happens...

At this point I don't know what to do so try to put TV on for him hoping it will calm him down like it did earlier.

It doesn't help... he goes to my room where DP is asleep. I did try to wake him up to help me but he said he couldn't do anything...
DS puts his leg through my bottom bed frame and cries hysterically. He's fine, I know this cause this is the 50th time he's done it today.

But DPs father knocks on the front door of our granny flat. He comes in and sees my son in that state and freaks out. He thinks DS is sick so dresses him up in warm clothes (he only had a long sleeve top and nappy on cause he wouldn'tlet me put pants or anything on him). DS does calm down when he sees him cause he scared of me at the moment... Grandpa asks me why he's upset and I try to explain to him but there is a language barrier because he's veitnamese and doesn't know much English. He's not rude to me but he looks very concerned about DS and I worry he thinks I'm abusive. I try to wake up DP so he can explain to him in vietnamese, he tries but I don't know if his dad understood. Cause he went to sleep then grandpa left with DS to the house next door where he lives.

I'm just left here feeling like an awful parent. I explain this to DP he tries to comfort me but I get upset with him because he was no help and slept through everything.

Am I being unreasonable? Did I do anything wrong? I'm a first time mum and I feel awful about it.

OP posts:

Farmerswifey12 · 03/08/2019 21:19

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I don't have much helpful advice however I didn't want to read and run. Don't feel guilty, you have tried your absolute best by the sound of things. Toddlers are such hard work, and that's before you add possible autism into the mix. If you were a bad mum you wouldn't be worrying about it like you are! Sending hugs over.

Have you spoke to anyone about a diagnosis?

Beebeezed · 03/08/2019 21:21

You’re doing fine OP. This happens.
Please don’t feel bad

Original poster

Whatisnormalhere · 03/08/2019 21:24

Thanks to both of you. I'll try not feel guilty.
No I haven't talked to anyone yet, I plan to take him to the GP asap.

OP posts:

Creatureofthenight · 03/08/2019 21:25

It sounds like he might be having night terrors? Very common at this age. My DD has had them a few times, it seems like she’s awake and crying but when I go in she doesn’t realise it’s me and gets really upset, she’s not really aware of what’s going on.

user1490814754 · 03/08/2019 21:30

This sounds a lot like a night terror? He might have still been asleep and lashing out and harming ypurself can be quite common. It wasn't you he was scared of in that case. If it was a night terror there is nothing you can do until it passes and they don't remember anything the next morning. Obviously I could be wrong!

Wobblywibblywoo · 03/08/2019 21:36

That sounds to me like night terrors, they aren't aware of them at all and probably won’t remember, it’s like a bad dream, they do eventually grow out of them, however it is very scary to watch

user1490814754 · 03/08/2019 21:36

Please don't feel guilty. He wouldnt be aware it was you. When my Son has night terror it can be quite traumatic, the first time i even considered calling an ambulance, i was so worried by it, but he never ever remembers it.

Original poster

Whatisnormalhere · 03/08/2019 21:43

I didn't even think about night terrors. I will look into them. Thanks for the info. Yes it was really hard to watch, I've never seen him like that before. Makes sense that it was a night terror and not just a tantrum.

OP posts:

Trinpy · 03/08/2019 21:57

My ds used to have night terrors which made him behave just like that when he was 2. I worked out in the end that just leaving him to it (but obviously making sure he was safe!) was the best way to deal with it. He eventually went to sleep again without any problems.

HypatiaCade · 03/08/2019 21:57

Can you keep a night light on in the corridor, so that you don't transition from complete darkness to light? And perhaps a dimmer switch in the corridor so that you can gradually increase the light, rather than a sudden shock of light, which sounds as though is triggering for him.

Also, can you sort the bed out so that he can't put his legs through the frame? You can get solid bed bases, rather than strips, if that's the cause, or lower or higher bases, so there's either no room for the legs to get 'stuck' or there is so much room that it becomes a sitting position choice rather than something that could hurt him.

for you, as it must be so horrible.

Booboostwo · 03/08/2019 22:09

I was thinking night terrors as well. When DS has them his eyes are awake, he talks (some gibberish, some comprehensible words), he sees things that are not there, he cries, he sits up, etc. and it I sit impossible to snap him out of it.

Cannyhandleit · 03/08/2019 22:34

Sounds like night terrors! My 2 year old was getting them for awhile, they look like they are awake but they aren't and the only thing you can do is let it run its course while keeping them safe.

Utterutterutter · 03/08/2019 22:38

Another vote for night terrors! The first time it happened to DS, it took me quite a while to realise that he wasn’t actually awake (and I’d heard of night terrors). It was awful, really upsetting.

JustAnotherMumTho · 03/08/2019 22:46

I dont have much practical advice, only to say that if you worry often about being a bad mum, the chances are you're probably not one. You're doing just fine, please don't beat yourself up!

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 04/08/2019 08:03

I also think night terrors. My autistic son gets them and behaves like he's possessed. Make his room a safe space (we just have a thick mattress on the floor) and don't touch him or try to wake him. It's truly horrible. Xx

EssentialHummus · 04/08/2019 08:06

Yup, night terrors. But sometimes toddlers are just terrors themselves, that’s ok too . Sounds like you’re doing great.

flapjackfairy · 04/08/2019 08:13

I agree it could be night terrors but also dealing with an autistic tantrum is v hard at the best of times. I have a 12 yr old foster child with autism and his hormones are making him completely unmanageable at times. The screaming, hitting etc that goes on and on is so hard and I regularly feel like a complete failure !
But it is not something we can control to a large degree and we have to try to let ourselves off the hook if we can . Don't let people judge you as you sound like a good mum trying her very best and that is all you can do.
And your partner needs to wake up and help not leave you to cope alone x

stucknoue · 04/08/2019 08:21

Toddlers can have crazy tantrums, it's not a sign of your parenting or autism generally, just a phase. Every child is different but you can learn the best techniques to calm him, or if leaving him to calm himself is best. It's unfortunate that your dp didn't help because often the other parent stepping it can calm them down, he doesn't sound very hands on. Try to talk with the rest of the family and ensure you develop your own strategies it really is a normal developmental stage - my good friend broke her own leg in a tantrum at 3!

Baddabingbaddaboom · 04/08/2019 08:40

This happened to me twice with my dd, she has night terrors quite a lot but on two occasions she woke up she didn't quite 'wake up' if you know what I mean? The first time she was about 2 and the after 1.5 hours of what you describe I took her in the car to asda (only thing I could think of at the time) and it calmed her down. The second time she was 3.5 and the next day i asked her what had happened and it basically turned out she could still see her dream even though she was awake.. Yeah she could see a damn monster squid thing eating my bloody head. No wonder she was terrified. I wonder if the same sort of thing happened here?

Baddabingbaddaboom · 04/08/2019 08:42

I should add this two times she woke up, once she fell out of my bed and the other I woke her up by accident during a terror. So she didn't sleep through them as normal..

RosieposiePuddingandPi · 04/08/2019 08:44

Definitely sounds like night terrors to me, my sister had them a lot as a child and they're truly horrible to watch.
Something that helped her was a weighted blanket. She used to try and wedge herself into places while it was happening and the pressure of something kind of pressed against her helped as long as it wasn't a person touching her.
The weighted blankets also helped her sleep better in the first place which reduced the amount of terrors she had.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/08/2019 08:51

Is it only when he is in bed that he behaves like that?

Original poster

Whatisnormalhere · 04/08/2019 11:09

Thanks for your responses everyone. I'm not sure it is night terrors anymore. About 40 mins after I posted his grandpa brought him back and he was completely calm like nothing happened. But it didn't last long once grandpa left. I tried cutting DSs nails cause he had scratches on his face from the tantrum. He didn't like that, he tried to hit me and I told him no... which seems to be his trigger word. He tried hitting me more and I said no again. Then the next tantrum began...

This time DP did try to help but he angers very quickly when DS hits him. DP will tell at DS and smack his hands. I've told me repeatedly not to do this as it will only make it worse... but he still does it.
Grandpa shows up again and takes him yet again. Me and DP go to sleep cause we haven't had much sleep with this going on.
We wake up to grandpa putting DS into bed with us, he was asleep. But wakes up when he realizes... grandpa goes... DS tantrums yet again!

At one point DS headbutted DP in the face twice which caused his nose to bleed. He was fuming and told me to take DS. DP then called DS a "fucking asshole".

After that I took DS to the shops which did calm him down though he still didn't want me to touch him or look at him. He fell asleep in the pram and I took him home. He's been asleep since. Though he had literally been behaving this way for hours, screaming, crying, hitting us and objects, hurting himself, throwing things...
He has bruises on his body and scratches on his face, all self inflicted.

I plan on taking him to GP tomorrow. Hopefully they can help him cause I don't know what's going on with him. I don't think this is normal and neither does my mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatisnormalhere · 04/08/2019 11:20

I should mention that my son doesn't talk yet, as in he doesn't say any words (he knows some but only says them at random). Just babbles sometimes. So he can't tell me what's wrong.

OP posts:

Creatureofthenight · 04/08/2019 14:54

He’s probably very frustrated at being unable to communicate his needs and feelings to you. Have you done any baby signing with him?
You could try telling him what you want him to do, rather than what you don’t want him to do. So for example instead of saying “no” when he hits, say “we use kind/gentle hands” and demonstrate.
It’s a good idea to go and see your GP, I hope you get some help and advice.

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