Son had a tantrum feel like bad parent

[Whatisnormalhere]

I have autism and I suspect my son does too. My DS is 2 years old and has started having really bad tantrums that can last over an hour. The trigger can be anything. Tonight he woke up by himself in his bed. I heard him crying which is what he usually does till I go to him. So I turn the living room light on cause it was pitch black and I didn't want to frighten him. I ended up frightening him anyway.. the same thing happened earlier except I was in his bed and he was in bed with his dad.

Anyway it set him off real bad this time, he was scared of me, he didn't want me to touch him. He was threw himself off the bed and was hurting himself. I try to stop him and pick him up but he starts hitting me and I don't want to drop him by accident so I put him back down.
Then he climbs on the bed and forces himself to be stuck under the bottom end of the bed frame... he does this while having a tantrum. He tries to stick his legs through the top of the bed frame too. Then he cries like he's in pain.. I remove him from the frame and he just gets upset and does it again, if I remove him again the same thing happens...

At this point I don't know what to do so try to put TV on for him hoping it will calm him down like it did earlier.

It doesn't help... he goes to my room where DP is asleep. I did try to wake him up to help me but he said he couldn't do anything...
DS puts his leg through my bottom bed frame and cries hysterically. He's fine, I know this cause this is the 50th time he's done it today.

But DPs father knocks on the front door of our granny flat. He comes in and sees my son in that state and freaks out. He thinks DS is sick so dresses him up in warm clothes (he only had a long sleeve top and nappy on cause he wouldn'tlet me put pants or anything on him). DS does calm down when he sees him cause he scared of me at the moment... Grandpa asks me why he's upset and I try to explain to him but there is a language barrier because he's veitnamese and doesn't know much English. He's not rude to me but he looks very concerned about DS and I worry he thinks I'm abusive. I try to wake up DP so he can explain to him in vietnamese, he tries but I don't know if his dad understood. Cause he went to sleep then grandpa left with DS to the house next door where he lives.

I'm just left here feeling like an awful parent. I explain this to DP he tries to comfort me but I get upset with him because he was no help and slept through everything.

Am I being unreasonable? Did I do anything wrong? I'm a first time mum and I feel awful about it.

Please don't blame yourself or feel in any way like a bad parent op, the very fact that you are so upset and anxious about it shows the opposite. It does sound very much like autistic meltdowns rather than just standard tantrums. These could be triggered by sensory overload, slight change to routine, any number of things. And his communication difficulties would signal that also which of course makes it even more stressful for you both. I would suggest asking GP/health visitor to do a referral for an autism assessment or to speech and language therapist so they could observe what's going on. But don't worry about other family members or any one judging you are doing your best in a stressful and exhausting situation Also your DP doesn't sound particularly supportive to say the least so that can't help and must be quite lonely. Hope things get easier soon, could also all just be a tricky stage your DS is going through!

@IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes
Thanks a lot for your reply. I think you are right, he is having autistic meltdowns rather than tantrums because when I think about it all the triggers have been sensory and very overwhelming for him.

I went and took him to see a GP today who was very informed about autism and gave me a referral to get him assessed. The GP said he could tell straight away that my son is autistic cause he was very anxious and started fussing once he saw the doctor. I had to move him away from the doctor. DS also started hitting me and DP as well as the GP when he was getting his check up.

So it is very likely autism. I'm taking him to get the assessment asap.

I love him so much and want to do all I can to support him. I was able to calm him down on my own this morning and we did some drawing with crayons. It was nice to see him acting happy around me again. :)

I am feeling a little more confident now, I just need to educate myself on how to deal with his meltdowns.

Thanks for all the support xx

And yes, my DP is finding it much more difficult than I am. But he is trying... and I think after today he also understands more about why our son is behaving the way he is.

No problem OP glad things are going a little better and that your GP was helpful! The hitting and so on is very common with autism can often be frustration at a new situation or not being able to express themselves. I think once they can get more support and strategies in place for you that will make a big difference. Hopefully they can advise you of parent support groups nearby they can be a lifeline and it's probably a relief in a way to find out what's wrong. And it's nothing you've done or not done just how your lovely DS is, it will become easier to recognise triggers etc. And well done managing to calm him , sometimes a little distraction can really help and it makes you appreciate the good times even more when they're happy Hope you are doing ok & you're doing a great job

Well done OP! I hope your son gets the help he needs and you all find ways of coping.

Ahh lovely, it can all seem so difficult and exhausting with a toddler...mine have all behaved exactly like that many times over. Lack of speech is really frustrating my two year old and she will cry/scream/run away from me/throw toys/throw herself at floor/throw herself off settee...I’ve had a lot of children though and know this stage will pass.
A gentle suggestion...toddlers thrive with routine (thoughthey try to push against it too) and I think you could be overstimulating situation when grandfather takes child/brings child/takes child. You are the parent, say that you need to have less distractions at sleep time. And put child back over and over and over again, no talking or stimulating with lights/tv/fetching DO, they do get it in end. Try a nightlight to see by. You’ve got this!!