Think I've snapped... Chores

[NagginMum]

Honestly I probably am being unreasonable, but I've seriously had enough. Sorry for any spelling (my eyes are puffy after my little breakdown today) and thus is looong... I still may be mid breakdown.

Just had an absolute blazing row with husband, in tears and I mean in floods of tears, he's walked out and I've packed his stuff, and all that's going through my mind is "it's one less person to clean up after." 😔
It all kicked off because yet again I'm tired, I've had to drag my self out of bed, facing all the washing that needs putting away, the dog walk, the vacuuming, the pots and the cooker needs a good clean, there's bin bags to go to the tip because we forgot to put the bin out and I need to also go see my disabled gran just to make sure she sees a face this weekend. The kids have pulled every toy out and husband is no where to be seen. I find he's gone of to work just to put the last touches on a house he's working on, oh he's used all the milk so no coffee for me before we get into the full swing of things 😒
Just so everyone knows, we both work, he is self employed I work 32.5 hours a week. I also study from home, I want to pass my aat. I help my disabled gran with basically everything she needs because no one else does (but that's another off load for another time). We have two kids 8 and 4, our eldest is disabled. Oh yeah and I do all the house work.
My husband thinks he's helping when he does the pots once a week (but 50% of the time he actually just puts them all in the sink runs the water then leaves them) , he loves to mention he takes the kids to school in the morning when ever I bring up the fact he never helps. He hates the fact I let him know that in 6 years he done one wash, that he has no idea how to switch on our hoover (we've had it 2 years) he has no idea where clothes are kept (that's not an exaggeration he honestly has no idea where our kids tops are), we've had a dog for 4 years he's never done a pick up 💩

Now I've tried asking nicely, numerous times, I've reminded and reminded to the piont I'm now nagging.
I've wrote a little list of chores he could do the help: vac stairs, put washing away once a week, clean kitchen once a week (including cupboards and doors) he agreed then ignored it.
All week I've hinted I have a lot to do and have loads of cleaning to catch up with, then leading to asking outright for help. Yeah he said.

Now I'll give him one thing, he came back and went to the tip with the bin bags. I've decided I'll make a start on turning up all the youngest school pants and sewing in all the name tags.
He cones back and wants to go out with the kids 😕 I tell him I've got all the cleaning to do yet and want to finish this, his reply... Can't you just do it tonight. I just ignore him as I can't even reply to that 🤔
He then starts getting the kids ready to go out, without me, just leave me here to do the rest of the house work why don't you, you know instead of getting stuck in and actually doing it with me, then we can all go out later 🤷‍♀️

I've just lost it, burst into tears and said I've had enough of this why can't he just help. He says he does and brings up the school run, and the fact he just took 3 bags to the tip. But refused to answer when I asked what else do you do?
He stormed off after I've raised my voice listing all the things I do for him the kids and every f*er else. I just carried on doing all my cleaning. I tried calling him a few times but gave up because I thought, I'm not begging him to come home. Why should I?

Now I've got petty, I admit. I thought F you and called our phone provider, told them we've lost the phone. I pay for this all anyway. I've then got bags, and packed all his stuff, I've wrote him a letter explaining why I can't cope and he can see the kids 50 50 if he wants to. 😑 All that over chores...

Now I probably actually wouldn't mind as much if he even picked up after himself, but I scrub the bath after he comes home covered in dust, he leaves it with a horrible black mark. I move his shoes that he just leaves in the middle of the floor. I vac after he's had all his tools in, I'd never let him leave them in his van, but he could at least sweep up the saw dust they've left behind. When he shaves and doesn't rinse the sink. When he makes toast or a sandwich and doesn't even wipe the board 😵😠
But nooo he can't even do that, I feel like I have 3 kids, just that my 8 and 4 year old do help more! So now I'm thinking he' ll be home soon and I just hand over his crap, I'm not even willing to reason, I'm to tired, and what, he'll either promise to start helping do it for a month and then go back to normal.
Maybe he's just as fed up as I am, he can now live in a sty and not have anyone nag him over it.

So do you all think this is a big over reaction or do I stick to my guns?

This is why women need to consider so carefully before having children because they are still burdened with the majority of the childcare, housework and mental load. It shouldn’t be that way but it is! We see the same story on here time and time again. An exhausted Mum that has hit her limit because her ‘D’ whoever isn’t pulling his weight.

Oh no this is totally unacceptable. Truthfully pay for some help. Get somebody in twice a week to clean and tidy. Pay for an oven cleaner and pay for somebody to do the ironing . He will no doubt be furious that you are paying for someone to do this and that in itself might make him book his ideas up . Run his bath for him and put washing up liquid in as a bubble bath and replace bath shower gel that he uses with the same and I guarantee the bath will be much cleaner as s result. Oh and get a ruddy dishwasher. Take charge and take control. The fitted sheet thing for kids to play on with toys is useful. Just pick it up and dump it with the contents somewhere out of site . Enough lovely- your time is precious xxx

Really, @HerkyBaby, your solution is that OP should pay someone to do her DH's share of the chores and run his bloody bath for him as well?

This is why women need to consider so carefully before having children because they are still burdened with the majority of the childcare, housework and mental load

Not in my house, either as I grew up or in my home with my family just now. Because my Dad and DP aren't sexists.

if you had all that to do, why did you start sewing name labels into clothes. That’s not exactly an urgent job

Missing the point here, surely? And OP did NOT ‘have all that to do’ - they both did. That’s the problem.

@skittlenommer this is absolutely 100% not the case. My husband is not a petulant man child he is a clean and tidy adult who can look after himself took 6 months off work to care for our child and does 50% off the household chores. Just because all the men you know are shit doesn't mean all the men in the world are.

OP I'm so sorry you're in this situation. YANBU, death by a thousand cuts is the right phrase, I hope you can get through it.

YANBU. I’d have gotten rid long ago. Now he’s single he will have to do approximately 1000% as much as he does now, which says it all really. I’d keep packing his bags and sling them out the front.

@Constantlurker

My husband is amazing too! Like.. literally a God send (no children however as we’re childfree by choice) but I fear we are the exception to the rule. Like I said there is post after post after post on here from exhausted Mums who are not being supported at home. There are also numerous studies proving women still take on the majority of the childcare and housework and are the most negatively impacted in their careers etc. Their lives change beyond measure after having a child where as men make very little sacrifices.

Let him live somewhere else, alone, for a while. Say, a year before you consider his return. Make sure the contact isn’t at your place- let him fully experience childcare, the stocking up, planning, tidying up, etc. in his own space.

Words don’t work, only hands on experience, and the horrible feeling of your surroundings being filthy and disorganised. Let him feel the feels.

I just got back from 2 weeks away (caring duties, 98yo granny). My DH was congratulating himself on how well he’d parented DD ‘all alone’. I laughed like a drain. Apart from the small things like that barely any homework got done, and 3/4 of the meals were takeaway, I went through the 2 lists with him. Things I’d done ahead of leaving (sorted out health appointments, organised childcare for his work hours, bought presents ahead for her mates’ parties, etc) and parenting things I’d pushed back until after my trip. Two very long lists. Leaving aside the daily FaceTime sessions where I’d referee their arguments, and solve 100 small household for them.

He only had to keep her alive, I have to give her a life.

Don't take him back. He has ripped the utter piss out of you and thought you would suck it up. I sense you feel relieved, which says it all. This could be the first day of your new, exciting, clean and respectful life.

I dont think YABU. As others have said its not about the washing. It's about fairness. With two of you living together, the work should be quicker but it sounds like he just adds to your list of jobs. Assuming he isn't working double the hours you work or doing something else v useful with his spare time (building an extension or something) then he must be getting a lot more free time than you. He is effectively saying his free time is much more important than yours and he sees it as your job because you're a woman. It's about him not minding that you are permanently knackered and cant switch off the thoughts in your head as you're responsible for remembering and organising everything, for everyone. Its about the sheer rudeness of thinking 'I wont bother putting this away as i know if I leave it, my skivvy will do it'

Have you listed every single thing you do for the house and the family and what he does? So he can see in black and white what the discrepancy is?

Kick him out.
Another fucking manchild.

Perhaps some time apart would make you both appreciate things and make a clearer choice.
My dad has a saying for what you’ve mentioned, little bricks make a big wall. Although I do like the remark, death by a thousand cuts.

A marriage should be a partnership and when it isn’t you become resentful, and why not you’re his wife not his mother or carer.

It’s not easier to split up, I’m going thru a divorce atm, but it is different!

Please take time to calm down just to be sure you feel the same way, then if you do, ask for a certain amount of time apart, say 3 months, that should give you both time to realise what it is you want and to make changes towards that.
I’m sorry that he’s not helping you and supporting you when you need him to, but that doesn’t mean things can’t change if that’s what you both want...or not.

Stop doing it all. Just stop.

Look after yourself and the kids. Leave him to look after himself, his clothes, his food, his everything.

Don't give him an inch, and when he asks if he has any clean socks, you might mention that you've never asked him if you have any clean bras.

Stick to you guns. It worked a treat for me.

In my experience guys who have had mums who did everything for them honestly don’t know what needs done to keep the house clean etc. The magical pixies do all the housework!
If you’re keeping him he needs to pull his weight. If he could walk a day in your shoes he’d totally see what you do. It’s so annoying when you have to ladle out praise for putting a bin out, hoovering the floor or going to the shops. It’s pathetic, we do this stuff all the time and nobody praises us! If you’re not keeping him you may actually be happier without him! Good luck whatever you do.

This is clearly a build up of emotion over a long time.
Since having my second child with DH I've just selected the single mum mind set and don't bother washing his clothes/making his food ect.
My husband does nothing but gym and work.. I'm expected to do everything else. I think taking on the mindset that I don't rely on him for anything helped my state of mind and means that we just get along without the strain of arguing over two kids, work and household... I'd say just try and look from another angle. I don't expect anything of him and he is happy that I'm a good mum with keeping the kids and house clean.
It worked for me. But definitely just cool off and breathe before making any rash decisions

All that over chores...

It's not though, is it dear lady?

It's about his selfishness, double standards, lack of respect, empathy or appreciation. It's about being exhausted from FT work, kids, running a household solo, & caring for gran. It's about being told that unless Cinderella finishes her chores later this evening instead of right now, she can't come out with her partner to have fun with the kids. It's about failing to see the utter gobsmacking entitlement of that question "can't you just do it tonight" & the astonishing lack of awareness that he could have shared the workload with you. It's about being treated as a skivvy & shut down with lies every time you gather the courage to challenge him. It's the skewed perspective of himself as "helping" with the housework instead of accepting that it's not @NagginMum's responsibility, it's 50% HIS responsibility.

So sorry OP. He is a blinkered idiot. YANBU.
Try not to have him murdered while you work out your next options xx

It's all the above, and the mental load too.

The thing is before I did it all because I stayed home with the kids, I actually found it so easy especially when the boys got older, I could hand them a cloth each and they'd 'help' 😍 so I fear this is a rod I've made for my own back 😏 but I've been working for a year now, and had this discussion with him before I started of now house work should be split as we're both working. He agrees every time and then just doesn't do it 😠

And honestly in every other way he's great, it's just this which really has pissed me off, my friends come round and helped me pack, and she bloody loves him 😂
He's very much an amazing dad, he loves doing stuff with the kids, he helped our eldest with his reading so much and loves taking them out for really cool adventures. I'll never stand in the way of his children.
And he is very supportive, I doubted if I'd pass my aat, didn't want to start it asi doubt myself alot, he went and paid for it and told me that I'm the smartest person he knows so I should totally go for it.
But he's just such a lazy twat!

@HerkyBaby I actually did consider getting in a cleaner and billing him for it "well they are doing your share you need pay for them" that or getting a robot vac with his bank card 🤣

And I did the labels because I'd just finished the ironing, if I'd put them away there's a 99% chance I'd forget and remember the morning of the first day at school. I get shit done the second I remember to do it. Like I found nuts and bolts in my jacket and though wtf are they for, then had to root them out of the bin because I forgot I needed more that side to secure my grans hand rail in the shower, from a month ago, she felt tight reminding me because even she sees I have a lot on.

I'm definitely sticking to my guns, I don't think he took me seriously

@Skittlesandbeer. that's explained it really well for me, the difference between keeping kids alive and giving them a life.

The mental load is exhusting OP, no suggestions as my husband thinks he is better than he is too, but you have my sympathy.

Ok you are now being unreasonable.

You've just said he's a great dad and has helped with the kids reading ect.

Sorry but suck it up, stop throwing a strop over measly housework?!

Measly housework ODFOD😂😂😂

@MummytoCSJH wow you're a lazy one too eh?

YANBU.
He's not an "amazing dad" he's a Disney dad. Amazing dad's respect and are a proper partner to their children's mother, and split the drudge work as well as the reading stories and having adventures.
I bet you're happier without him, but I bet he's unhappy without you.

You've just said he's a great dad and has helped with the kids reading ect

He can still do that living in his own house can't he? Helping with reading doesn't excuse you being a messy fucker and having people pick up after you. The OP doesn't have to suck nothing up when it reduces her to tears