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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off?

57 replies

numberonecook · 03/08/2019 17:33

Me and DH have been together for 20 years (since I was 16) we have three kids together. I have spent my whole adult life with him and being a parent and always tried to make everyone happy. I do love him. Trouble is he’s always ‘pissed off’ and is very vocal about it

His job pisses him off
The house pisses him off
The kids piss him off
I piss him off
The car pisses him off

He doesn’t like doing anything, no holidays, no days out, no cinema, no meals out, no walking. All pisses him off

We have nothing to look forward to, he’s never in a good mood. Am I unreasonable to feel pissed off? Lol

The kids have even turned middle aged before their time because he’s rubbed off on them! I just feel like I’m not allowed to have fun or do anything normal adults do incase he feels pissed off

(Btw he’s not abusive either verbally or physically and he does show affection. He is generous with money and possessions, he’s just pissed off lol)

OP posts:
PapaShango · 03/08/2019 18:27

He’s one of those people who sucks the fun out of everything. It’s so hard to live with someone like that. My grandmas used to call them ‘joyless’.

He needs help with his depression. Ask him to see his gp ASAP and go from there.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 03/08/2019 18:27

How old was he when you started your life together?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 03/08/2019 18:32

It'd drain the life out of anyone being around a miserable bugger like that. What happens when you tell him how you feel?

1forAll74 · 03/08/2019 18:33

Have you discussed why your partner is always pissed off ? Lots of people get pissed off with certain things,like their job, lack of money, crappy car, ill health, even Brexit ha ha. But it's not good to be so down about every single thing in life.. But it does sound like depression.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 03/08/2019 18:35

Do you go out as a couple, for meals or to the cinema, bowling, anything?

FlamedToACrisp · 03/08/2019 18:38

Make him go to the doctor, it really does sound like depression. Maybe he hates his job and can't see any escape from it, so it's making him discontented with everything else. Could he try to change jobs or take early retirement?

You say you love him - but what is there to love in this behaviour? You and your family should not have to put up with your lives being poisoned by his constant bad moods. Create a man-cave for him, and tell him not to bother coming out to join the family unless he's smiling!

Tupperwarelid · 03/08/2019 18:40

I’m guessing you are in your mid 30s? Can you really put up,with this for the 40 to 50 years?

Original poster
numberonecook · 03/08/2019 18:46

He was 18 when we got together. Nope no meals, cinema, nothing. We even go to the supermarket separately to avoid arguing because he doesn’t like anything we like to eat.

I have brought it up a few times and I just get the same answer ‘life’s shit nocook it’s not all fucking roses you know!’

I asked him to go to the gp and he said (wait for it) the gp pisses him off, they can’t change my job, life, car, etc. What’s the point? I’m loving in a dream world apparently and so is anyone else who expects life to be fun. I’m doomed lol

He’s only 38 early retirement isn’t an option. He won’t change jobs he won’t entertain the fact people enjoy going to work. Even though I quite like my job lol

OP posts:
IsobelRae23 · 03/08/2019 18:51

I would have left him by now. What a boring life. Before you know it you will be 70 and wondering what you’ve wasted your years doing.

Bluetrews25 · 03/08/2019 18:55

You seem to have married your father.
Do you want DD to do the same?

WhyBirdStop · 03/08/2019 18:57

I don't want you to take this the wrong way because it was absolutely his choice, but did you have your children young? You say the eldest are teens. Does he maybe feel that life has passed him by and the fun he would've had when young and carefree wouldn't be fun now anyway because he had bills to pay sand a wife and children to consider? Not excusing it at all but my cousin the same for years (she had her first DC at 19) , and it took for her to recognise why she was so miserable with the world and have a lot of counselling before she came round a bit, she's still a glass half empty person though. Her situation went helped by a cocklodger father of her children who came, went lived the highlife and left her high and dry regularly.

cafenoirbiscuit · 03/08/2019 19:02

Jeez, don’t take him to Legoland. The always-hideous prices and the queues would royally piss him off !

cottonwoolsnowmen · 03/08/2019 19:03

Trouble is he’s always ‘pissed off’ and is very vocal about it

Ok, so in what way is he very vocal about the kids pissing him off?

ToEarlyForDecorations · 03/08/2019 19:03

He's killing your marriage and does not care.

TotorosNeighbour · 03/08/2019 19:03

It sounds like he feels trapped in a life that doesn't make him happy. I've felt the same in the past. He's the only person who can change his life for the better, same goes for everyone. And of course the situation has a big impact on you too, the children and your family, Are you just pissed off or unhappy?

Millie2017 · 03/08/2019 19:04

Me and DH can’t wait for the kids to get a bit older so we can get back to doing things together. Long walks, watching football in the pub on a Saturday afternoon, cinema and etc. We’ve already starting looking at our first holiday without them - it’ll be a cruise (and they are 4 and 1 - ha ha).
It just all sounds so negative. Joy and happiness don’t fall in your lap. Id be tempted to issue an ultimatum about going to the GP. You’re younger then I am. I couldn’t imagine living the next 20 years with doom and gloom every day.

Nautiloid · 03/08/2019 19:05

Both my DH and I have phases where we're like this and so I know how wearing it is...and appreciate how it feels on the other side too.
That said, they have been just that...phases. I couldn't live like this as a long term thing.

Rachelover40 · 03/08/2019 19:08

You've had lots of helpful comments on this thread, numberonecook.

It does sound to me as though your husband is depressed. If you and the kids live your own lives around him, without unnecessarily involving him, he may come out of it naturally. I do hope so, it's not a happy situation for you or your children.

All the very best. Flowers

sackrifice · 03/08/2019 19:19

His job pisses him off
The house pisses him off
The kids piss him off
I piss him off
The car pisses him off

I'd have pissed of by now to be fair, or told him to piss off.

ginghamtablecloths · 03/08/2019 19:27

As he's coming up to 40, does he feel that life is passing him by? That he hasn't achieved the things he wanted?

Lots of us get like this in the run up to middle age and it feels like it's too late to change - if life isn't fairly good by then it never will be.

I feel sorry for both of you - him for his disappointment and you for having to put up with his being unable to make the best of things.

Life often is shitty I'm afraid but we have to count our blessings.

I would have thrown his dinner at him by now and told him to' jolly well buck up or I'll walk out' - then he'd really have something to be pissed off about but that's not very sympathetic.

I hope things get better for both of you but he needs to lighten up and stop being so obsessed with his negative attitude.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 03/08/2019 19:30

So does he think no-one else is happy at all, ever? Does he enjoy holidays? (Or do they piss him off...?!). Does he exercise at all? That might help if he can be persuaded to.
If he didn’t work, what would he want to do?

Atthebottomofthegarden · 03/08/2019 19:31

And has he always been like this or is it new / worse?

YouokHun · 03/08/2019 19:32

He sounds depressed. I recognise his way of thinking from my own past depression but also as a CBT therapist. He sounds like he could do with some help from the GP, perhaps an antidepressant and some examination of his way of seeing the world, which sounds well practiced and entrenched. I would ask him to see his GP and ask him to tolerate the GP and temporarily suspend his irritation and to follow their suggestions for ADs and then some fairly structured therapy. I think he probably needs a bit of medical help before he can take full advantage of therapy (from the sounds of what you say). If you can afford private therapy then have a look at the CBT Register for BABCP and AREBT accredited therapists. There are lots of different types of therapy of course, and it’s horses for courses, but CBT is brief and structured and good at highlighting how we perpetuate our emotional problems through our thinking, attitudes and behaviours.

hadthesnip2 · 03/08/2019 19:41

YABU because you are still with him. You should have left years ago.

What are you going to do now. He won't change do you either suck it up & live with it or leave & live your life with happiness.

Original poster
numberonecook · 03/08/2019 20:05

He did go out and have fun in his twenties, lads holidays etc, I stayed home with the kids. He had Lots of friends. He’s since sacked off his friends one by one and now doesn’t go anywhere. Not as if he’s not had a life because of the kids. No he never tells the kids he’s pissed off with them but he tells me when they are not around that he can’t cope with ‘the way they are’ (just kids)

I really do feel like walking out. I thought it may get better when the kids were older and we’d start doing fun adult stuff :(

OP posts:
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