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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU TO BE ANNOYED WITH FRIEND

59 replies

beingmum39 · 03/08/2019 12:18

Ok, first time posting one of these but I am annoyed and need to vent

I have a close friend and we share a mutual friend although I am not as close to mutual friend as they are. The mutual friend has made several attempts to come round but doesn't give me notice and I have a little one which makes it awkward for surprise visits on the day. Whilst I have seen them on one or two occasions life has since meant that on each occasion they want to come I have been busy and said no...

So close friend messages me last week asking if she can pop over to see me on Saturday week, I replied that was fine as free .. she then responded by saying excellent.. WE will be over about 11:30 referring to her and said mutual friend.

I am annoyed coz she made out visit would be just her and now I have other one tagging along... AIBU to be annoyed

OP posts:
chocatoo · 03/08/2019 13:01

Just be happy that you have friends that want to make the effort to see you?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/08/2019 13:02

Considered you like extra friend, I’d find it only very mildly annoying tbh and certainly not worth getting her up about, if you want one to one with original friend just find nice way of saying it. Far worse friendship violations to get knickers in twist about

Butchyrestingface · 03/08/2019 13:04

Just be happy that you have friends that want to make the effort to see you?

Doesn't mean that she gets to bring an entourage.

It doesn't sound like OP is particularly fussed about the mutual.

CalmdownJanet · 03/08/2019 13:06

Could you not say "Have you mentioned calling to yet? If not then I'd love a catch up just the two of us, if you have don't worry as she is more than welcome and we can do just the two if us next time"

cstaff · 03/08/2019 13:12

I'm with you OP. I have a very close friend. I am also friendly with her sister but it definitely changes the dynamics depending if one or both of them are there. There are certain things that just won't be discussed if her sister is there.

TheBrockmans · 03/08/2019 13:18

If it is nice weather why not suggest going to a park or something so you don't need to host and then it is easier to make your excuses to leave.

FinnBalorsAbs · 03/08/2019 13:20

Could you not say "Have you mentioned calling to yet? If not then I'd love a catch up just the two of us, if you have don't worry as she is more than welcome and we can do just the two if us next time"

This is a great way of putting it.

krustykittens · 03/08/2019 13:52

YANBU to not want your friend to invite other people to your home without asking you first. It would annoy me too. I had a friend who used to invite complete strangers to my house and the first I would know about it as when I opened the door. "Oh, I thought you two would really hit it off!". Maybe we would but I would prefer not to have get to know a complete stranger you have foisted on me in my own home. It's not unreasonable to want to catch up 1on 1 and be annoyed that she has invited someone else.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/08/2019 15:11

Some people dont lke one to one contact, maybe she is trying to include you on their friendship group if they're both child free.
This mat backfire on you.
She is actively trying to be keep the friendship going around your schedule as you've the little one.
You sound quiet controlling.

Original poster
beingmum39 · 03/08/2019 15:13

CalmdownJanet
Totally liking that idea and a very diplomatic way of saying things without causing offense.. Smile

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 03/08/2019 15:16

Maybe as I am more introverted as I get older but friends who always want a one to one meet up, usually to tell me all their news freak me out.
It is like a code for I want your undivided attention.

Original poster
beingmum39 · 03/08/2019 15:17

EmeraldShamrock

We see each other with or without friends... And this hasn't been an issue for 19 years ... Why is it considered controlling when a friend says they will pop over to cu for you to then have an expectation that it will be just them and not somebody else as well??? Or have I missed your point?

OP posts:
Original poster
beingmum39 · 03/08/2019 15:19

EmeraldShamrock

Grin just saw your second post... Totally get that...

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 03/08/2019 16:01

@beingmum39 It sounds like you are close and have spent one to one time lots of times.
In that case ask her why? It seems strange, go with Janet's text. Smile

ReeReeR · 03/08/2019 16:05

OP the whole thing about how mutual friend doesn’t usually give notice is irrelevant, unless I have misunderstood.

Your issue is that friend arranged to come over and then said she was bringing another friend. I would be annoyed with this too. It sounds like you don’t want the “mutual” friend over and that’s ok. If it was me I would say if you don’t want the other one therr

ReeReeR · 03/08/2019 16:07

I would probably say “Oh you said it was just you but okay X can come over too now that I know” or something to make the point she can’t just invite people to your house!

Pipandmum · 03/08/2019 16:13

I can see it’s annoying. But why haven’t you asked the other friend over if she’s tried to see you? Are you not interested in her? Seems like she’s reached out a couple times and may be feeling a bit rejected (your reasons for refusing are legit but if it was me I’d expect a ‘can’t do it today but I’m free on Thursday’ kind of thing).

Original poster
beingmum39 · 03/08/2019 16:15

ReeReeR
Yes you got the point....

I will just go with it as it is what it is.. and will hopefully not have to say that another time...
Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
beingmum39 · 03/08/2019 16:17

Pipandmum

They have come round when it's pre-arranged.. I have only refused them on the days that they have said they are nearby and can they drop in.. little bit awkward when I am not prepared.. I am still shy of feeding around people, and not quite in routine for expressing

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 03/08/2019 16:24

You need to spell it out to your friend that you don't like mutual friend very much.

diddl · 03/08/2019 16:46

I do think it was rude of them not to ask first.

I guess they thought it would be OK as you know the mutual friend & have seen just them previously so you obviously get on well enough with them & they seem keen to see you.

It is annoying though when you are looking forward to something & then find out it won't be quite as you were thinking/hoping-especially if you were wanting to chat about something which you now can't!

BumbleBeee69 · 03/08/2019 16:54

She tricked you with wording.. I'd just cancel OP if it's easier. Flowers

Lovemenorca · 03/08/2019 16:56

Just be happy that you have friends that want to make the effort to see you?

Goodness - is that how you see friendships. As something you should be so grateful for that you accept any kind of behaviour?

Juells · 03/08/2019 17:08

I have several close friends, but I never see them together. The dynamic is always different, the conversation doesn't flow in the same way. It isn't about wanting undivided attention, it's that I have different interests with different friends. One friend is very embroiled in family problems and we sit and chat about those, she has other friends she talks golf with. Another friend is very involved in writing, the first friend has no interest in that whereas I do. You interact differently with various friends. I wouldn't like two of my friends arriving together.

KittyBaxter · 03/08/2019 17:08

I would be really annoyed.

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