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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rubbish parents thinking they are super parents when they become grandparents

32 replies

BeepBeep9876 · 03/08/2019 10:29

Why do some parents that were adequate at best as parents suddenly think they are super parents when they become grandparents. Giving you lots of unsolicited advice.

Any of you have parents like this?

AIBU to be annoyed by it? I think I was emotionally neglected as a child and dh's father didn't give a shit about his kids when he was growing up, doing the bare minimum. Suddenly they are grandparents incomes the unsolicited advice. Things like DH's father asking why we haven't signed our 1 year old up for local schools yet.

OP posts:
hormonesorDHbeingadick · 03/08/2019 10:34

For their generation they probably were adequate parents. The bar for good parenting has risen considerably and of course they can want to see themselves in a good light.

Luxesoap · 03/08/2019 11:12

I am so much better at being a GP than I was a parent. I feel terrible about it. I have infinite patience with my DGC and never shout or snap or get pissed off when they’re being typical toddlers. I am wracked with guilt that I was such an impatient, not good mother. I try to excuse myself by thinking I had terrible PND and got no support from now ex-H and that the birth was traumatic and we both nearly died etc etc. But I don’t think those are excuses for what was bad parenting. I feel terrible for DD that I’m a much better GP to her children then I was a mother to her. On the plus side I’ve told her this and have apologised for being a not good enough mother. She’s a much better mother to her DC than I was to her,

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/08/2019 11:19

It's difficult to acknowledge yourself as a bad parent without simultaneously suggesting the DCs are inadequate adults.

The reality is that most of us start up with intentions to be good parents - something that seems much more achievable at the start of the parenting journey than towards the end.

I'm not sure the "bar for good parenting has risen considerably" - it's more that the idea of what good parenting consists of has changed, coupled with changes in society - for example, keeping your child healthy takes a lot less effort now that vaccination is more widespread and medicines have improved.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/08/2019 11:24

I am wracked with guilt that I was such an impatient, not good mother. I wouldn't be. There's a world of difference being a part-time parent - ie a GP - able to take regular guaranteed respite from the children, and being a full time 24/7 parent, where even time off isn't totally relaxing because you know if anything goes wrong, you'll be back on charge - you may have a babysitter and be having a night out, but you're still on call.

If your daughter is a good mother, I think that is evidence that you have done a good job. So relax, and stop feeling guilty.

Daffodils07 · 03/08/2019 11:28

I think if you genuinely wasnt a 'great parent' for reasons out of your control (depression ect) and you can outknowlage that you wasnt a great parent, it's different to being a shit parent because you just couldn't be bothered and you couldnt even admit it.
Although it does depend what people mean by a not so great parent.
Do they mean not spending enough time with them or abuse and neglect?
My parents were abusive and have never been a grandparent to any of my children.

Whosorrynow · 03/08/2019 11:34

@Luxesoap
You have self awareness, insight, humility, a willingness to acknowledge your faults and work to make amends, we all have faults and being a parent is very hard
you are a good person your daughter is lucky to have you you and so are your grandchildren
I hope I'm like you if/when there are grandchildren in my life

Luxesoap · 03/08/2019 12:23

Thank you for such kind words. They’ve made me tear-eyed. I don’t want to hijack OPs thread and to answer the question, I don’t think any GPs should give advice unless asked for. And if you’ve not been the greatest parent then I’d times that by 100 and it must be particularly irksome when suddenly your parents turn into parenting experts.

TabbyMumz · 03/08/2019 12:40

I think as someone else said upthread.. the standard of parenting has gone up. In our in laws day and area it was the norm to let the kids wander all day and come back at tea time. They never went out as a family on days out, or watched their kids at sporting events. Nowadays if you did that, you'd be classed as a bad parent, but for them that was the norm. They thought they were doing a good job. Nobody they knew went to uni or had a career, so it was alien to them that we wanted our daughter to have a good education and go to uni. My dh didn't even tell them he'd got a degree. All his life they thought he was just in an office job and referred to him as a pen pusher. He was in a high powered career earning more than they could imagine, but they thought his brother was doing much better as he was in manual work doing shifts!!!

ElleDubloo · 03/08/2019 12:57

LOL this post has made my day Grin My dad was a SHIT dad and he constantly gives me advice about my children. Along the lines of - “She doesn’t want you to brush her teeth. Is it really necessary to brush a 1 year old’s teeth? We never brushed your teeth when you were little.” Yes Dad that’s why I have multiple fillings now

Nice to know I’m not alone in feeling this frustration.

Bravelurker · 03/08/2019 13:00

@luxesoap, you sound like my DM , who has apologiesed so much for her bad parenting since my DB has had kids. Tbh, to you and the Op, you work with the tools that you were given at the time.
I thought my DM was awful growing up and she made some terrible choices but in her defence she had me just shy of her 18th birthday, whilst still in the care system Sad. She was a single parent, with no family.
She was then sent to a mother and baby home until a council flat became available to her (only recently found out about the m&b home). Yet she took baby me to the cinema, circus, Blackpool, free museums, I had a birthday party every year and never went hungry.

I somehow forgot all of this and focused on the shitty boyfriends, the constant petty crimes (poverty driven) and the fact that I couldn't go to college as she needed me at work earning money ASAP.

On balance she was brilliant and I can only see it now that she's a grandparent . She's my hero and my best friend.

Sorry for derailing Blush.

NavyBlueHue · 03/08/2019 13:05

@BeepBeep9876 YANBU. Very annoying when they do this.

As an aside, you don’t ‘sign up’ your children to schools anymore. The Admissions code doesn’t work like that. So that shows how little your DH’s father knows. Ignore his wrong advice.

@Luxesoap what an amazing gesture to apologise to your DD like that. You should be proud to have owned your past mistakes and try to move past them and be better going forward. Many families could do with following your example.

LadyRannaldini · 03/08/2019 13:08

I suppose it's the generational equivalent of the current thing whereby the mere act of procreation makes people think they're the 'expert' about babies, especially the female of the species!

LadyRannaldini · 03/08/2019 13:09

The bar for good parenting has risen

It's certainly changed, I wouldn't say it has necessarily risen, looking at how many youngsters have emotional probelms.

StCharlotte · 03/08/2019 13:17

My sisters were both very young mothers and not very good at it. Neither had good relationships with their children. However, they have both been outstanding grandmothers.

(I have no DC so my parenting and grandparenting skills will forever be untried - and unjudged Grin)

HaileySherman · 03/08/2019 13:17

Lol I remember those days. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Nod and smile and......ignore.

grandparentnow · 03/08/2019 13:20

Luxe I hear you. I too have apologised to my DS who regularly says if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be where he is now (a hard worker and a good enough dad). But, I know that I let him down, particularly during his teenage years. However, unlike my own DM and DF, who both abandoned me during my teenage years, and have never said sorry or even acknowledged the harm they caused, I tried to do my best, always, and owned up when it wasn't good enough.

Being a GP is a joy, and getting to the point of the thread, I keep my mouth shut as much as possible about how he and my (fab) DIL are bringing the GDC up. I don't always succeed, and get told about myself at times. Which I accept and learn from.

OP - I feel your irritation, as my DM had opinions when I was bringing my DC up, and, in my view, she hadn't earned the right to have any opinions at all.

BertrandRussell · 03/08/2019 13:23

“The bar for good parenting has risen considerably”

That’s a very interesting point. I’m not sure it has, frankly.

NewName54321 · 03/08/2019 15:43

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If your DPs believe that something they did (or didn't do) when their DC were younger made things easier or harder later on, they may want to advise you on what they feel you should do so you don't make the same mistakes as they did.

The parenting bar may not have risen, unless you define parenting as simply putting in place safety precautions, but childcare advice and norms have changed over the years.

Smile and nod.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/08/2019 11:50

For their generation they probably were adequate parents. The bar for good parenting has risen considerably and of course they can want to see themselves in a good light.

Oh I think every generation thinks that. That doesn't make it true.

sophiestew · 04/08/2019 12:19

Luxesoap you sound lovely.

My DM was an abusive narc parent. Has never told me she loved me or given me hugs etc. She left me with no self esteem, confidence in tatters.

When I had DD, she was so over the top with her. The clear message was that if only I had been a better, more loveable child, I could have been the recipient of all the love care and attention she showered on my DD. It made me feel sick. It was just more abuse.

We are NC now and life is so much better Smile

CellularBlanket · 04/08/2019 13:09

Easier to feed kids now, (food is cheaper), and to clothes them, (clothes are significantly cheaper and more widely available), easier to educate, (the internet), keep healthy, (access to GP/ A and E), entertain them, (screens), keep them clean and warm.

One generation has no real idea of the challenges faced by previous generations. If you listen to the older generation you can learn a lot. some of it might not apply but it is worth listening to nonetheless.

Our own kids will think we did a shit job too. They will be criticising our pernting when they grow up and can do it "better"

daisystone · 04/08/2019 13:37

Yes, my mother seems intent on carrying her mistakes. She either does not realise the mistakes she made or arrogantly believes that they were not mistakes and she was a marvellous mother. Unfortunately my mother believes that appearance and status is the be all and end all and actually said to me the other day that I should teach my 8 year old daughter to be better at shopping "I taught you to be a good shopper - don't you remember me taking you around Harrod's and telling you to feel different fabrics so you could understand what was good and what was bad" - I nearly laughed in her face. To her, that is good mothering.

BertrandRussell · 04/08/2019 14:55

“The bar for good parenting has risen considerably and of course they can want to see themselves in a good light.”

When did the bar suddenly shoot up and in what way?

BloomingHydrangea · 04/08/2019 15:03

When did the bar suddenly shoot up and in what way?

More women have paid employment out of the house and so are no longer the sole stay at home childcarer

The expectations of men in child raising has changed enormously in the past 50 years.

BertrandRussell · 04/08/2019 15:05

“More women have paid employment out of the house and so are no longer the sole stay at home childcarer”
Does that make them better parents