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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When you go stay with friends.....

75 replies

inmyshoos · 03/08/2019 09:22

Old friend has come to mine to stay for 2 nights. They are a family of 4. Im a single parent, she knows im not in a great position financially.
Whenever we have visitors they generally either buy a takeaway, or a food shop or at least come shopping and offer to split bill.

We went shoping and she put numerous things in, telling me what her dc dh etc like and didnt even offer a few quid towards the cost. Im not tight in any way shape or form but i would never go stay with a friend and not offer to pay my way. I offered to make dinner (macaroni, cheap and easy to do for 8) but they dont like it. So we got burgers for the dc and pizza for her and dh. Was pretty gobsmacked that it was just assumed id pay for sll their food too.

Aibu?!

OP posts:

nettie434 · 04/08/2019 00:47

^she knows im not in a great position financially.

Completely agree with CherryPavlova. Fine to be fed in return for a bunch of flowers or bottle of wine when you know your hosts can afford it and when you will be hosting them in return. Not fine when you know things are tight financially.

If they try this tomorrow, try Hennypenny’s advice and tell them you can’t afford to go shopping again.

Oysterbabe · 04/08/2019 01:42

What she did was rude but I would never expect guests to pay for food.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 02:46

Odd to expect people staying to pay for your food shopping.

Quite the reverse in fact, @TheGlitterFairy.
OP provided food at her own expense, they turned it down, then at the shop they chose items, put them in OP's basket & expected her to pay for those too.
At no point did OP expect them to pay for HER shopping - that's your own invention.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 02:53

Even if they invited themselves, and you're a single mother?

@yabbers - If I couldn’t afford to host I’d say no.

OP could afford to host. She had food in for them. They turned down 2 different meals, & at the shop, plonked their food choices in OP's basket & waited for her to pay. That's the part she can't afford.

It's sad to think of you turning friends away because you can't afford to host. I have had times of being so skint I had to choose between milk OR bread, & electricity OR dogfood.
It didn't stop my friends from visiting me. That's because they're real friends, not CF's, & real chums are open with each other about money struggles.

When I'm not skint, I love to host & treat friends.
When I am, they understand, & we share costs.

toughtimesbehindme · 04/08/2019 03:17

Very rude and cheeky of them. If i were you I wouldn't even offer to cook just let them go to supermarket and sort themselves out. You're not running a bloody hotel! Cheeky fuckers invite themselves and expect you to feed them what a joke

Noteventhebestdrummer · 04/08/2019 04:42

I guess you could sort the shopping at the checkout into your stuff and her stuff. Just say that you can't afford to pay for hers?

timshelthechoice · 04/08/2019 04:44

They are CFers. Say NO if they try this again and please, next time someone invites themselves to stay with you, you tell them unfortunately you cannot accommodate them.

dudsville · 04/08/2019 07:54

They sound like awful guests. I'm sorry for you and that your weekend is spent this way.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2019 11:32

All these people who love in holiday places, if you be my friend and let me stop for free I promise we'll do the shopping for the week, get a taek out on or take you for dinner and bring you a bottle of something nice. I'd also do our share of the housework.
Who wants to befriend me? I live I na small house in the Black Country so you aren't gonna want reciprocity

Original poster

inmyshoos · 04/08/2019 14:50

sleeping you can come anytime

They've gone..... even my dc are like 'phew, thank god we can relax now'....
They actually took home the opened packs of cheese and ham they brought with them and the pack of yoghurts. Unbelieveable.

So uptight, judgemental, whingey and inconsiderate. I am exhausted. Never again!!
Thanks for all the kind replies.

OP posts:

SilverySurfer · 04/08/2019 16:29

Shoxfordian
I would never expect my guests to pay for their own food when they come to stay. It's part of hosting. I think yabu

I totally agree. It would never occur to me to ask for or accept payment. If I couldn't afford to cater for visitors I would prefer to say no to them visiting.

All those giving it "I'd never expect guests to pay" I'm guessing you've never been on a very tight budget

Yes, of course I have, I'm a pensioner and always on a tight budget but as I said above, I would tell them it wasn't convenient for them to visit.

Dieu · 04/08/2019 16:31

I wouldn't expect a friend to contribute towards a 2 night stay. No way. Nor would we go food shopping, as this would have been done prior to their arrival.
Single mum of 3 here too.

LittleLongDog · 04/08/2019 16:33

They bought food with them? Why didn’t you use that?

Drum2018 · 04/08/2019 16:39

I seriously will not be inviting them back

You didn't invite them in the first place. If they ever dare to ask again tell them you've moved to a one bed flat. They sound horrible.

Drum2018 · 04/08/2019 16:41

@Dieu Op had food in, meals planned out, but they wouldn't eat what she was planning so that's why they went to the shop. CF's then put their choice of food into basket and expected op to pay. That is not on.

Celticrose · 04/08/2019 16:48

@TwiceAsNice22

I don’t think the op is being unreasonable. She’s hosting and had planned meals for everyone. She’s not expecting her guests to pay for themselves. Her guests turned their noses up at all the food options she offered then expected her to take them grocery shopping. That’s rude!

This

If I (or my children - who are very picky) didn’t like what was offered I wouldn’t expect someone hosting us to take me grocery shopping and pay for everything I wanted!

And since the Op told her friend she’s in a tight budget, it’s even ruder to be expecting lots o

@Drum2018

@Dieu Op had food in, meals planned out, but they wouldn't eat what she was planning so that's why they went to the . CF's then put their choice of food into basket and expected op to pay. That is not on.

And This

Henlie · 04/08/2019 17:11

If it’s just one person coming to stay for a night or two, I wouldn’t expect them to do/bring anything - they can easily be fitted into the family meals. However, if a family of four are coming to stay with you for more than one night, they really should be offering to sort out one night’s dinner - be that a take away for all or buying/bringing food to cook at yours. I think its polite to do this, especially as the host will be most likely providing, breakfasts, lunches, dinner, snacks/drinks etc for all those days. I would feel very uncomfortable (and would never do it) about adding items to a persons shop and not paying for it.

DSil and her family (4 of them) stay with us at least once a year for around three nights at a time. However, they will always supply dinner for all of us on one night be that a take away or pop to food shop and buy stuff. Plus they always come with snacks/wine and often little gifts for us.

I think your friends are out of order Op....did they expect you to cook for them both nights? Did they bring anything with them?

Original poster

inmyshoos · 04/08/2019 18:35

The only food they brought was some opened cheese they'd started at home and two packets of half eaten ham plus some yoghurts and they took it all home again. It travelled 8 hrs in total

I didnt actually invite them but i was happy for them to visit. It never occured to me that id be feeding all 4 every meal of their choice because with my friends who regularly visit that never happens. We all chip in because no one is rolling in it and they know whilst id love to treat them i just cant afford to. But it doesnt rule out staying at mine and all sharing the cost.

OP posts:

AnnaMariaDreams · 04/08/2019 18:39

When we have friends to stay or when we go to them, the hosts buy, pay for and cook the food. If we get a takeaway or eat out the bill is split. We always take lots of wine, enough to cover what we drink plus a bottle for the hosts and gifts like flowers/ chocolates etc.
We are all in similar financial situation and we all take a turn at hosting.

gamerchick · 04/08/2019 18:41

They knew you couldn't afford to host. What any of us do doesnt matter.

Tell them not next time OP and don't cave.

gamerchick · 04/08/2019 18:43

If you really want to put a massive full stop on this friendship, invoice them everything they cost you with your PayPal address and still say no to next time. Chances are you'll never hear from them again.

Henlie · 04/08/2019 18:44

I think the lesson here @inmyshoos is to not let them stay again 😏. It sounds like they had a lovely free/cheap three days at your expense......

I’m guessing they didn’t even bring you a bottle of wine or similar?

LifeImplosionImminent · 04/08/2019 18:48

I think there's a lack of communication here - you should have let your friend know that you have a limited budget before they came - some people just don't see other points of view (or don't care). Of course your friend should have realised that 4 extra mouths to feed is unreasonable when you are a single parent (even if you weren't it's still a big ask) At the very least shoud have offered to contribute

Reading mumsnet makes me want to hate the world - so many dicks about!

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2019 18:52

Wow. Rude fuckers.

If you've offered to host in that situation i.e. agreed they can stay because they asked, then the only obligation on you is to offer some food. Not food they like!

So you say "I'm making macaroni cheese tonight. Will you be eating with us - happy to make enough for you all."

They say " We don't like macaroni cheese" so you can then say "Oh dear, what a shame. Perhaps you want to pop to the shops, then? Or there's a chip shop, or the takeaway menus are here".

Rinse and repeat for day 2.

RelaisBlu · 04/08/2019 19:08

We live near an airport and often get people asking to stay the night before an early flight. An old friend of DH's has now done this so often I feel he's taking the piss - he & wife & 3DCs role up and expect dinner laid on, etc even though they have invited themselves. On the umpteenth occasion I decided to get a takeaway instead: did they offer to pay for it? Did they fuck. I told my DH I would never agree to have them again - to be fair he was sick of it by then too

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