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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When you go stay with friends.....

75 replies

inmyshoos · 03/08/2019 09:22

Old friend has come to mine to stay for 2 nights. They are a family of 4. Im a single parent, she knows im not in a great position financially.
Whenever we have visitors they generally either buy a takeaway, or a food shop or at least come shopping and offer to split bill.

We went shoping and she put numerous things in, telling me what her dc dh etc like and didnt even offer a few quid towards the cost. Im not tight in any way shape or form but i would never go stay with a friend and not offer to pay my way. I offered to make dinner (macaroni, cheap and easy to do for 8) but they dont like it. So we got burgers for the dc and pizza for her and dh. Was pretty gobsmacked that it was just assumed id pay for sll their food too.

Aibu?!

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 03/08/2019 22:48

OP can I come live with you???

dollydaydream114 · 03/08/2019 22:49

I'd certainly offer to take the hosts out for a meal or buy them a takeaway. If we were eating at their house and they were cooking, I'd eat whatever they offered rather than saying it had to be a certain thing, and I'd ask if they'd like me to bring a pud or something. If I went food shopping with them I'd offer to contribute, absolutely. I would do or offer to do all these things even if they had invited me, so I'm gobsmacked they've offered you fuck-all when THEY INVITED THEMSELVES TO YOUR HOUSE! Cheeky fuckers.

Please tell me they at least gave you some booze/flowers/chocolates or some other thank you gift?! That's a bare minimum.

VeThings · 03/08/2019 22:50

Some people are oblivious to the stain the extra cost would be on finances. Your friend probably doesn’t realise how tight things are for you, though she should realise if you’re a single parent.

Id she says anything about food today, say your budget is really tight, can she sort food out for you all if her family want something different.

TheGlitterFairy · 03/08/2019 22:52

Guests don’t pay - and I wouldn’t expect them to.

If they invited themselves and you didn’t want them to stay, you should’ve said no/ it wasn’t convenient.

Odd to expect people staying to pay for your food shopping.

InspirationWontCome · 03/08/2019 22:54

Absolute cheek. So thoughtless, self-absorbed and grabby.

Do not buy another thing for them OP, they are terrible friends

Original poster

inmyshoos · 03/08/2019 23:15

I absolutely wouldnt expect guests to pay for MY food shopping but i do think it polite to offer to pay towards what THEY want to eat.
I offered to make macaroni cheese (cheap easy to do for 7) her dc dont eat that. She chucked a load of stuff in that they do like including specific pizza for her dh, no pffer to help with cost. I had already done my food shopping, already extra because i had my teenage son home. Also had uniforms to buy this week. I did say to her several times that im living on a shoestring.

Today i offered to make tuna pasta but her dc dont eat tuna... Its literally ALL i had in that would stretch around 7 of us.

Actually food is least of the problem today. They are extremely hard work, clearly hate dogs, her dh actually kept putting my elderly dog out of the room tonight when i wasnt around (my dc told me)
Took them to a beautiful place today and they moaned it was too far, kids hot in car....
Havent washed a dish... apparently washing up liquid breaks his hands out and she hasn't offered.

Last night his snoring was horrendous. Tonight he told me it was only because he kept getting disturbed from people going to the loo....
I seriously will not be inviting them back....

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 03/08/2019 23:18

Yanbu

Yabbers · 03/08/2019 23:21

Even if they invited themselves, and you're a single mother?

If I couldn’t afford to host I’d say no.

ELM8 · 03/08/2019 23:25

They don't sound like the best guests, so I wouldn't be having them again if I were you!

If we have people to stay though, we would expect to provide all food and most drinks as hosts. If they want something specific (food or drink) I would expect them to bring it. Would never expect guests to help with washing up etc...

Original poster

inmyshoos · 03/08/2019 23:25

yabbers i can afford to have them stay here, provide a bed for them all but no other friends would EVER assume id be covering all their food also. Its not an all inclusive holiday

OP posts:

LadyRannaldini · 03/08/2019 23:26

I would never expect my guests to pay for their own food when they come to stay. It's part of hosting. I think yabu

Nor do I and we don't pay when we stay with friends but we can all afford that luxury. However, if I knew that the person I was staying with was hard up I would always either offer something towards food or pay for a take-away, it's very inconsiderate not to do so.

Graphista · 03/08/2019 23:27

"Ive never stayed with them. We live in a tourist area so thats why they've come. They asked to come."

How well do you actually KNOW them? You do know you are perfectly within your rights to say "no"? People who live in tourist areas are prime targets for certain types of cheeky fuckers!

My dad was army and a couple of times we came to be living in very popular tourist areas. After the first one (which was also close to a VERY well known sports venue) my parents learned the hard way not to be too accommodating to the family and friends who were not usual visitors...but all of a sudden keen to visit when we were living somewhere people like to holiday!

It's a pisstake!

If they're REALLY friends they will not be at all offended by your raising the issue of your tight budget and being honest with them.

If they're NOT really your friends then who gives a fuck if you offend them?!

So you have nothing to lose by being honest.

I'm also a single mum, we've never had spare money really but I've hosted certain people as visitors, not once have I HAD to say to them to contribute to costs, they've at the very least covered their own costs and some have even very kindly paid for takeaways/meals out for dd and I too as a thank you (which I did not accept instantly, they were quite insistent and I was very grateful for it and said so), one even sneakily topped up my meter before leaving and refused to take a penny in payment back, she'd been a single mum herself and remembered how tough it was, was by this point much better off and said as far as she was concerned it was a very cheap rent for a lovely week spent staying with us. Will never forget that and have (hopefully) repaid her kindness in other ways.

All those giving it "I'd never expect guests to pay" I'm guessing you've never been on a very tight budget where paying for guests could well mean you needing to miss a meal (or several) in the week/month after they leave? Aren't you lucky that you've never NEEDED guests to pay?

"I don’t buy that friends wouldn’t know that a single mother wasn’t rolling in money." I don't buy that anyone with half an ounce of common sense wouldn't even consider that suddenly having to cater for 4 extra people can be difficult for quite a lot of people right now!

I'd lay odds these cheeky gits didn't even do the dishes!

FrenchBoule · 03/08/2019 23:29

She’s a CF. No way anybody decent would sponge off their friend who’s worse off.

I have a couple of friends, 1 of them is skint, the other had a hard time financially( think everything in the house chose to stop working at the same time). Both of them protested against being subsidised and tried to dodge the meet ups. We explained to both of them that one day they could pass the favour onto somebody.

Krisskrosskiss · 03/08/2019 23:30

Yanbu. I get extra food in for guests of course so theres stuff there for them to eat and drink... but if they wanted to go shopping and buy extra stuff I'd expect them to at least help pay for that. I'd never in a million years expect to be bought specific things in a food shop just because I was staying with someone I think that's very odd. Of I wanted something they didnt have in their house already then I'd go and buy it myself.

RosaWaiting · 03/08/2019 23:41

They invited themselves? 4 people? Not on. Tell them bluntly. Also, your poor dog!

justasking111 · 03/08/2019 23:54

When we go to friends for a meal we take wine, flowers, chocolates. Ditto if we go to stay with friends, we also take them out for meals, it is supposed to be fun for everyone not just the guests.

Hodge00079 · 03/08/2019 23:55

When they invite themselves next time tell them no as ungrateful and hardwork.

Don’t put up with them treating the dog like that. It is the dogs home. If they don’t like dogs they know where the door is.

MollyButton · 04/08/2019 00:08

They're not friends.

SuzieSunshine · 04/08/2019 00:15

Yes she is def taking the piss even more so as she invited herself and there are four of them. Why should you be out of pocket by buying their food - you've already doing them a favour by putting them up. Def say you've run out of money and don't buy any more stuff for them.

Loveislandaddict · 04/08/2019 00:16

I wouldn’t expect friends to pay for food either, or bro g food with them, apart from the ‘thank-you’ bottle of wine. Wouldn’t necessarily expect them to wash up, although offering to chip in would be nice.

However, I do feel that they should have contributed to the extra pizzas, as that was extra food.

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2019 00:25

I don't get these sort of threads.

She's an old friend...close enough to come and stay with you and yet you can't simply say "Ok so the bill comes to X amount, you can give me your half when we get back to mine".

Why on earth wouldn't you say that?

loubielou31 · 04/08/2019 00:31

If I have invited guests then I would expect to host them, this includes food. These guests have invited themselves and then turned their noses up at what you have offered to cook. They are rude and yanbu!

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2019 00:38

So what happened with tonight's tea op? Did you pay for other food or tel lthem to buy their own?

If you invite people to stay then I'd assume you'd get food in to cover them, but it's still polite for them to offer something, dinner out etc.

If I asked a friend if I could stay at their holiday resort house, I'd assume I was covering my own food at least. Op isn't an all inclusive hotel.

TwiceAsNice22 · 04/08/2019 00:40

I don’t think the op is being unreasonable. She’s hosting and had planned meals for everyone. She’s not expecting her guests to pay for themselves. Her guests turned their noses up at all the food options she offered then expected her to take them grocery shopping. That’s rude!

If I (or my children - who are very picky) didn’t like what was offered I wouldn’t expect someone hosting us to take me grocery shopping and pay for everything I wanted!

And since the Op told her friend she’s in a tight budget, it’s even ruder to be expecting lots of extras to be paid for.

BluebonicPlague · 04/08/2019 00:45

YAsoNBU!
Outrageous behaviour by so-called friend: utter thoughtlessness and entitledness re accommodation and food - the expense of it! - and her 'D'H getting disturbed by people going to the loo FFS - and the treatment of the poor dog!

I do understand though why it's so hard to tell people straight out. It can require a total socialisation re-set to be able to say: sorry, this isn't working for me.
Let alone without the 'sorry'.
for you, OP, in case you didn't get any.

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