To think she should let it go after 10 + years.

[useronetwo]

DH gets a text, or series of texts this week from his ex. The mother of his child saying she's had enough, she is going to lay claim to his pension. "She is sick of living just above the poverty line, while we swan about in our brand new car, wearing designer clothes, in our new home and jetting off on tropical holidays. It should have been me and you having that lifestyle. Not her. She is too young to appreciate it. It's not to late to get rid of her and we can try again. You will never truly be happy without us. If I can't have that lifestyle then neither should you"
AIBU to think that this shouldn't really still be happening when they split so long ago and surely as they were never married she doesn't have a hope in Hell claiming his pension........
(Incidentally DH pays enough maintenance for her not to work, but she does. DSC is privately educated. The tropical holidays DSC have always been included. I wasn't the OW)

I'm sorry but I've seen so many SM think that as long as ex can eat every day and the kid has clothes, Dad is giving enough money.

You don't have the monopoly on feeling that way way about tight dads @greeve, no no need to apologise.

It's not relevant to the OP's situation though is it? He pays sufficient maintenance for his kid's mother to afford private schooling, & for her not to need to work. She chooses to work anyway, good for her.

The ranty text was drunk dialling.
DH should ignore it, & OP should stay 100% clear & not engage.

@AnneLovesGilbert exactly! If she wants tropical holidays of her own, maybe she could work?
I can only dream of my ex dh paying me that much maintenance and covering school fees!
Just ignore her, she's clearly in the wrong but the 'wise owls' of Mumsnet will always support the ex wife, even faced with clear evidence that they're totally in the wrong!!

If she wants tropical holidays of her own, maybe she could work?

She does. RTFT.

It sounds like pissed texting.

If anyone is going to confront her it should be your husband.

As infuriating as it must really be, there must be a small part of you that feels sorry for her. 10 years is an awfully long time to hold a torch.

It's not relevant to the OP's situation though is it? He pays sufficient maintenance for his kid's mother to afford private schooling, & for her not to need to work. She chooses to work anyway, good for her.

Actually what we know is that the kid goes to private school. Dad could pay for this directly and still scrimp on helping with living costs. So the fact the child is privately educated doesn't tell us that Dad gives enough money for the child to have the same sort of quality of life that Dad has with his new family. Say Dad puts 50% towards the lifestyle with SM, we don't know that he contributes the same amount to building the same sort of lifestyle for his son (with ex giving the other 50%).

I've seen Dads say that paying for private education (the only type they see as adequate) is enough money and not want to provide any money for living costs.

@AnneLovesGilbert

It isn't tough shit as she is working to provide even though the OP thinks she has enough money not to work. Because obviously the OP gets to decide what is a adequate household income and lifestyle for his ex wife given that she's SM now. That's how people usually think, isn't it?

I would ignore. Nothing good will come of engaging with this.

DH left her whilst she was pregnant - has he ever wanted more than weekend contact? Does he reliably stick to it? (I may be confusing facts from your other thread but I think you have moved around geographically and I'm not sure what legal jurisdiction you are under which makes a difference).

If she works, either he isn't paying enough for her to stay at home or she is trying to secure their long term future but she can't be both lazy and well provided for if she is working.

It isn't tough shit

Uh, yes it is.

Would you like OP and her husband to invite his ex on holiday with them? Or go without DSC? Or should they not be allowed to go at all?

DH left her whilst she was pregnant

Says who?

Mmm sounds like my situation

Ds is privately educated, I get maintenance and I have to work full time

And money is really tight no luxuries

Actually my ex should be keeping us at a standard he is living (being a very high earner) at but I wouldn’t dare try to take him to court as if you have money you can hide money and he will quite happily let me suffer and has made things difficult not thinking that impacts ds

I take ds phone away when he has been rude (frequently) his dad can ring on my phone but chooses not to - keeps me being the bad guy

No I don’t send such messages but when you are the rp, struggling to make ends meet and also have to deal with all the crap your child feels it’s fucking hard and seems unfair at times

And I am willing to bet her side of the story doesn’t match up

Her attempts to recommence her relationship sound a bit desperate.

I was going to say that if she and your step child were indeed living in poverty whilst you and DH led a comfortable life with a nice house, nice cars and expensive holidays, then I could not blame her for being bitter and wanting better for her child by getting your DH to contribute more.

However, if she is not working - unless there is a good reason, such as a child with SEN who requires her to be at home- then she does have the capacity to go to work to boost her income. I know sometimes it is hard for women who have been SAHM when married (by mutual agreement) to go back to their career due to the time they have out of the workforce, and I do feel their ex-partner should take account of that when it comes to financial settlement. Obviously as they weren’t married, she has less legal rights and I doubt she can go after his pension.

But I do agree that you should not get involved- leave this to your DH to sort out. The issues regarding finances and access to their child is between then. You getting involved will only fan the flames. If she is with-holding access then your DH should go to court to get formal access arrangements in place.

Says who?

The OP.

The OP.

No, the OP says they separated after a short relationship before DSC was born.

Entirely different to him bailing and leaving her to raise a child with no other input than financial.

Until OP clarifies the situation, none of us know.

Interesting that a woman who has enough not to work, has children in private education and maintenance (which OP HAS stated) considers herself hard done by. Even more ludicrous that she considers not having fancy holidays and children in private school to be poverty. A grip is needed I think.

If (big if) he hasn't been an involved parent, then he's an arsehole BUT the texts from the ex aren't about his parenting, they're about the life she thinks she should have had.

Giving birth to his child means she's absolutely entitled to maintenance, school fees (if they apply) and support from a co parent. If she doesn't have this, she's every right to call him out on it because he's not doing enough.

It doesn't mean she's entitled to half his pension if they weren't married, especially not 10 years later and it doesn't mean she's entitled to tropical holidays and to be able to send offensive texts arbitrarily.

OP I'd ignore anything that isn't relevant to the care of your DSC and I'd encourage your DH to do the same. Engaging with this will only continue it.

No, the OP says they separated after a short relationship before DSC was born.

Oh sorry you are right - I must be remembering one of the other threads

He needs to ignore those sort of comments and not engage. Absolutely don’t bother trying to defend yourself as she’s trying to interfere in your relationship, the best thing is to ignore, don’t defend or explain, just ignore.

People on mumsnet project so much in these situations.

We don't know that OP's husband left his ex while she was pregnant. Maybe she left him, or maybe it was mutual.

Or maybe he did leave her, because he knew they could never be happy together? Staying in a miserable relationship is no way to raise a child when the child could grow up knowing nothing other than two parents happily living apart from one another.

Taking OP at face value, her husband clearly provides enough for their daughter, given that its sufficient that the mother wouldn't need to work if she didn't want to. He also pays for his daughter's education, and for her to accompany them on holidays. He is morally obliged to share his wealth with his daughter in this way.

But he's not morally obliged to give his ex partner the same experiences. He's not obliged to pay for her to go on expensive holidays. He bears no financial responsibility for her at all - only for his daughter.

If the ex partner got a massive pay rise or inherited money and was able to buy a massive house and go abroad every year, would you say she was obliged to share that with OP's husband? Of course not! She would be entitled to spend that money on her and her daughter, and her ex wouldn't get a look in (even if it meant he couldn't share the same experiences with his daughter as her mother could).

That's how people usually think, isn't it?

I'm struggling to see where you're finding that in OPs post though.

His obligations to his children have to be met, absolutely. But nowhere is there an indication that they're not being.

I think you're projecting. I say that as both a SM and a Mum who has never received any maintenance and has an XH who has abdicated all responsibility beyond EOW and a happy meal.

The assumption that he's a shit dad with no indication of that beyond the abusive ramblings of his ex who only wants money is unreal.

Are we honestly suggesting that a parent who pays school fees, maintenance to a level where the other parent can afford not to work and clearly has contact with his kids or they wouldn't be going on holidays is an example of a feckless NRP?

I'm not suggesting he's a hero for paying for his children btw, he should, absolutely.

But to imply he's not doing enough just because she doesn't have the life she wanted is a stretch.

And to OP - definitely don't engage. She will either have sobered up and be mortified, or she's deliberately looking for drama and by engaging you're giving it to her. I would completely ignore.

If she restricts access to your step daughter, go to court for a proper access order. And consider whether you should be fighting for custody if she's emotionally manipulating her child. I don't know if it's as serious as that, but worth you thinking about.

Oh dear. YANBU. .

The ex does work despite the OP saying she has enough not to (I can't understand judging when someone else has "enough" money, surely that is subjective depending on goals).

She said the SC has luxury holidays with her and her partner (the father).

I'm saying that perhaps the ex works so the child can also have those things with her.

My thought is that in most cases, it would be fair for the father to also contribute towards the child's share of holidays with their other parent because it is rare that the non-resident parent (usually the father) actually contributes 50% of the child's care, be that through having the child with them or paying money.

Additionally, it's easier for the non-resident parent to develop a new relationship because they have more child free time and then they also benefit from paying a couple's price for a room and the financial input of their partner. Meanwhile, the resident parent assumes the whole cost of the holiday where they are unlikely to share the load of childcare and spending money with another adult for the reasons stated earlier.

It isn't a case of the resident parent having the same opportunity to build a new family unit but not doing so through their own personal failings. They'd have to integrate a new partner in ways that neither the child or their co-parent may not be comfortable with. And very often, the fact they had those children left them in a position where their career had to take a backseat so they are already earning less than their ex and perhaps also the new partner too.

So yes, all is not equal.

This is another example where people do not read the op or thread properly 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Gregoire yep there is a lot of projection on here!

He is an involved parent, not just EOW and a happy meal. She chose to change career and start a business, with her now ex. Unfortunately this is now struggling and we believe a lot of her support payments gets ploughed into this in the hope of keeping it afloat. This career change was not forced due to her raising their child. I wish in some sad way that it was drunken ramblings, but it was sent durning the day. She has admitted in the past that she 'threw everything and the kitchen sink' at us in a home that I'd get pissed off and leave. She's even offered to help 'pack me off home' It's hard to accept that I play a big part in raising her child, yet she wishes me dead. (And yes she has said this) but completely right will bite my tongue.