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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should let it go after 10 + years.

75 replies

useronetwo · 03/08/2019 08:18

DH gets a text, or series of texts this week from his ex. The mother of his child saying she's had enough, she is going to lay claim to his pension. "She is sick of living just above the poverty line, while we swan about in our brand new car, wearing designer clothes, in our new home and jetting off on tropical holidays. It should have been me and you having that lifestyle. Not her. She is too young to appreciate it. It's not to late to get rid of her and we can try again. You will never truly be happy without us. If I can't have that lifestyle then neither should you"
AIBU to think that this shouldn't really still be happening when they split so long ago and surely as they were never married she doesn't have a hope in Hell claiming his pension........
(Incidentally DH pays enough maintenance for her not to work, but she does. DSC is privately educated. The tropical holidays DSC have always been included. I wasn't the OW)

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 04/08/2019 09:40

You would be unreasonable to get involved or to ‘call her out’ on anything. Don’t let her know she has got under your skin at all. Leave it all to your DH. In fact I don’t think even he really needs to reply to that message as it was just a rant and didn’t raise any issue that actually requires an answer.

And as others have said as they weren’t married she has no claim at all on his pension (but I’d not bother to tell her this - just let her find out). She is jealous. Just leave her be. In another couple of years DSC will be able to sort contact himself.

Ellmau · 04/08/2019 09:40

Sounds like she's realised the generous maintenance will stop when DSC leaves home.

sonjadog · 04/08/2019 09:50

I wouldn't do anything at all about it. It is just a rant. As someone said, she'd probably been drinking. Your DH is hardly going to think "You know what, you have a point. We should get back together!", is he? The child is early teens and will soon be deciding over his/her own life so your contact with this woman will diminish. No point getting involved in any arguments with her now.

CruellaFeinberg · 04/08/2019 09:50

He bailed before the child was even born and left her to raise that child alone.

taking the op at face value - how do you know what happened? for all you know it was a mutual agreement? (as she 'wont let go' probably not) but are you one of those people that thinks people should stay together no matter how unhappy because of 'the baby' ?

whats better is 2 balanced people being grown ups apart if they don't want to be together

Letseatgrandma · 04/08/2019 09:56

They had a relationship over 10 years ago, split before the child was born and were never married yet he pays enough maintenance to her so that she doesn’t have to work. Is this spousal maintenance on top of the child maintenance?

This seems most unusual! Is he going to pay her maintenance forever?

How much is he giving her?!

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/08/2019 10:01

She’s clearly unreasonable...
If he can afford a private school then CM will be $$$ so she will probably just delusional/bitter/whatever.

“Setting her straight” is fuel on the fire so I wouldn’t bother.

10 years plus and he hasn’t bothered with court access though??? That’s a bit off
If she is messing him about he should get access via courts. The fact he hasn’t bothered is shabby of his part frankly

boosterrooster · 04/08/2019 10:11

YANBU at all. She's nuts. A spoilt, bitter, scorned woman. After 10 years she should be ashamed of herself. I take it she never met anyone else or moved on?

Get a solicitor, take her to court and have a solid access/custody plan put in place which she cannot control in this way. Would he try mediation?

FortheloveofJames · 04/08/2019 10:18

Pays her enough maintenance so she doesn’t actually have work, but she’s chooses to for extra money. Really sounds like the poverty line Hmm

Whisky2014 · 04/08/2019 10:19

I agree..sounds like she was pissed.

I'd also go to court for access

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2019 10:20

Don't get involved. Did she actually write that? Or did you paraphrase?

They were never married so clearly she's no claim. All a bit odd.

macaroniandpizza · 04/08/2019 10:21

Yanbu she shouldnt be controlling contact like the phone if your dsc is a teen

BrokenWing · 04/08/2019 10:22

Would I be unreasonable to call her out on her behaviour and ask her to stop trying to break DH and I up?!

Don't be ridiculous it is nothing to do with you. She is a single mum, obviously struggling to raise a child for the last 10 years alone, it has impacted her life and career prospects significantly while your dh got on with his, she is wondering what could have been and has sent a bit of a desperate text which in the cold light of morning may be embarrassed about.

I notice you state all the money your dh has thrown at his child, but say nothing about the harder bits. Does he have 50/50 contact, is a hands on dad, did he have sleepless nights when she was a child while trying to hold down a job/forge a career, did he have to take time off work to care for her when she is ill, get her to nursery/school in the morning, be home in time every night to help with homework, not able to travel with work at the drop of the hat because you can't plan childcare and do all the drudge, life impacting work of raising a child?

Give the woman a break, keep out of it and tell your dh to be kind. She's raised his child for him.

Kpo58 · 04/08/2019 10:28

Now that the child is 16, I can't see how going to court for access will help. The child is old enough to make their own mind up about going and I doubt the police are able to turn up every time there is a change over to make sure that the child is allowed to visit their father.

Greeve · 04/08/2019 10:29

I'm sorry but I've seen so many SM think that as long as ex can eat every day and the kid has clothes, Dad is giving enough money.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 04/08/2019 10:34

I mean seriously is been 10 years 😂

Clearly she is a very sad women that can’t let go of the past, tragic when you think about it.

You can’t argue with stupid so just ignore, no good can come of saying anything to the bitter cow

EL8888 · 04/08/2019 10:35

Another vote for ignore. Can’t she move on and have her own life?! It’s quite depressing

CallmeAngelina · 04/08/2019 10:37

Greeve, RTFT - she said he pays enough maintenance so that his ex doesn't need to work.

KC225 · 04/08/2019 10:39

It sounds as if she is going through a low patch and is possibly drunken dialling. Suggesting giving it another adter all tgose years is a bit cringe.

Absolutely agree with others, do not get involved. Perhaps she needs a break, can you suggest to your DH having the child whilst she has a few days to herself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2019 10:40

Give the woman a break, keep out of it and tell your dh to be kind. She's raised his child for him.

Did she? Do you know these people personally?

By “be kind” do you mean give her even more money?

Greeve · 04/08/2019 10:44

Incidentally DH pays enough maintenance for her not to work, but she does. DSC is privately educated. The tropical holidays DSC have always been included. I wasn't the OW)

If she's this lazy, money grabbing bitch, she isn't going to work if she truly has enough money to provide her child the lifestyle they set out to. Maybe she doesn't want all his tropical holidays to be with his dad's new family.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/08/2019 10:49

Sorry- up all night with chemo brain and I seem to have lost the ability to read Grin

Personally I would ignore. She is flogging a dead horse or a series of them. If a short "piss off" reply is needed it should come from your DH

Oh and good luck with those holidays you are too young to enjoy...

Timandra · 04/08/2019 10:56

If she gets a reaction from you, she will be pleased and redouble her efforts. Grey rock her and support your DH if he wants to have access arrangements determined by the courts.

Stressedout10 · 04/08/2019 10:56

@useronetwo
From personal experience DO NOT engage with her crazy crap.
I went through so much crap with my late dh exwife, here's my story
Dh left his ex wife and spent 2 year dealing with her and eventually asked for a divorce she ofcourse refused to sign any papers so he had to file and wait 7 more years for the divorce. All contact was through courts and solicitors, kids even had to be exchanged at contact centres (she's that batshit) as eventually took dsc from her and terminated her parental rights.
I met him 8 months before his divorce was finalized so obviously I'm the adulterous whore who stole her husband Confused and should burn in hell. She stalked me and made my life hell until she was arrested and sectioned, then on release started again until she was sectioned again, this cycle still goes on today When dh died she crashed his funeral and kicked off again. More than 10 years after his death she still can't accept that dh didn't love her and left her.
Do not make yourself anymore of a target than you already are. Just block her on everything let your dh deal with all her crazy crap
Good luck GinFlowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2019 10:57

Maybe she doesn't want all his tropical holidays to be with his dad's new family.

Tough shit.

Stressedout10 · 04/08/2019 11:00

Sorry ss not as

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