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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think i didnt have a wonderful childhood

50 replies

recklessruby · 02/08/2019 23:07

My cousins and i all grew up together in the same house. My auntie and parents lived together for various reasons.
Recently I have been remembering things and feeling like it wasnt as idyllic as they both say. To the extent i have unfollowed them on fb and am getting quite angry. I dont know why. We are 50, 51 and 54 so its long past.
Anyway i have a big thing about the house being clean and my dc have always grown up knowing i clean thoroughly. They are 31 and 25 and both living at home just now and sometimes tease me about my super cleanliness. I think if only you knew..
As a kid I never could have friends round. The house was a mess. Think rotting food in the kitchen cupboards and black dirt on the floor. When i was 8 i found some cleaning stuff (vim) and spent the afternoon cleaning. I still remember my delight at a lovely blue and yellow floor (didnt actually know what colour it was till then).
We weren't abused or neglected but life was tough.
As a teenager my cousins caused arguments by being in trouble with school and police and i became anorexic (this is still referred to as me being a fussy eater).
So aibu to want to go nc with the cousins (auntie since died) and refuse to buy into this lets get together and relive memory lane thing?
Sorry its late and i ve had a drink but i just want to distance myself.
Mum and Dad are still here and Dad has memory problems now but Mum says she understands why i m going nc.
My own dc do not understand and think i m being harsh.
Sorry its long

OP posts:

CherrySocks · 02/08/2019 23:10

I'm not sure why you're blaming the cousins for the lack of cleaning etc when they were children too?

Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2019 23:11

YANBU. They are a reminder of the bad times and you'd rather forget. They probably wouldn't even notice anyway!

BubblyBluePebbles · 02/08/2019 23:15

I assume you feel your cousins are a reminder of those bad times for you?
Have you tried talking to your cousins or your children about how your childhood environment has had such a negative impact on you?

CamdenLoaf · 02/08/2019 23:16

Why are you blaming your cousins? And obviously they will have an entirely different take on your childhood — I have three siblings and none of us ‘remember’ the same thing. There’s no objective shared reality.

MarthasGinYard · 02/08/2019 23:16

Yabu

They were dc

What have they actually done to you?

They just have a different recollection of their up bringing.

Mermaidoutofwater · 02/08/2019 23:16

It sounds like you felt like you didn’t have a lot of control over things as a child/teenager. I’m not sure from what you’ve written that your cousins were the source of this?

Original poster

recklessruby · 02/08/2019 23:17

I m not blaming them as much as being annoyed they didn't seem to realise how i felt growing up in that mess. It doesn't seem to have bothered them.
I just dont feel i want to buy into the image of a lovely glorious happy childhood which is what they both seem to believe we had.

OP posts:

katewhinesalot · 02/08/2019 23:18

Counselling?

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2019 23:19

Surely your parents and any other adults in the house were to blame for the chaotic environment, and not two cousins who were so close to you in age?

MyNewBearTotoro · 02/08/2019 23:19

It sounds like you’re putting the blame on the wrong people, your cousins were just children like you were so it seems odd to be going NC with them rather than your parents, who were adults and made the decisions which determined where you lived.

boydoggies · 02/08/2019 23:19

Not really sure what the issue is. Nothing you have written is particularly concerning. So, YABU.

TheFridgeRaider · 02/08/2019 23:21

Erm. YABU. If you should blame anyone for dirty house, it's your parents and aunt (if she were with you still).

As pp said, everyone has different perspective of things so while something was hell for you, same times would be fine for them.

Original poster

recklessruby · 02/08/2019 23:22

And i think now that i was always the "good girl" so got side lined.
I have been studying child psychology for work related qualifications and I think I just feel sad that I ve been caring for people from age around 8.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2019 23:22

I m not blaming them as much as being annoyed they didn't seem to realise how i felt growing up in that mess. It doesn't seem to have bothered them.

So if it didn’t bother them how they have intuited how it felt for you?

It sounds like they had other things to be getting on with too, given the involvement with police.

I just dont feel i want to buy into the image of a lovely glorious happy childhood

Can you maintain some sort of contact with talk of your childhood being off limits?

PhyllisVance · 02/08/2019 23:23

This is really bizarre. I grew up in a shit tip and don’t blame my siblings - I blame my mother as she was the “responsible” adult.

As for wanting to go NC because it doesn’t seem to bother them? Also weird.

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2019 23:24

Mum and Dad are still here and Dad has memory problems now but Mum says she understands why i m going nc.

Why does your mum understand you going NC with 2 people over a situation she helped create?

HeadintheiClouds · 02/08/2019 23:25

If they believe they had a gloriously happy childhood then surely that’s what they had? . Maybe the dirty floors didn’t bother them like it bothered you.
And what do you mean when you say your mother understands why you’re going nc with your cousins?! Are both of you holding your cousins responsible for all the supposed shortcomings of your childhood?
Where does your mother fit into it all, or does she consider herself a victim too? It’s all extremely peculiar, tbh.

MarthasGinYard · 02/08/2019 23:29

'but Mum says she understands why i m going nc.'

Your DM was one of the adults responsible for your upbringing.

Not tour cousins

MarthasGinYard · 02/08/2019 23:29

'Your'

CamdenLoaf · 02/08/2019 23:29

But maybe they genuinely had a great time? It’s not their responsibility that you felt differently. My youngest sister has a completely different version of what it was like living with my grandmother — she remembers it as a good thing whereas I, as the eldest, am much more aware (and was at the time) of how much it cost my mother.

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2019 23:31

What would explain OP’s attitude to me is if they all have mutual friends on FB (ie, OP’s kids).

And OP has told people her side of the story about her childhood. Then along pootle the cousins waxing lyrical on social media about their wonderful upbringing. With such posts obviously viewable by the mutual friends.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/08/2019 23:33

It wouldn’t make the cousin’s viewpoint any less valid, though, or op’s any more so.

StrippingTheVelvet · 02/08/2019 23:34

Why did your mother not clean the floor?

gregoire · 02/08/2019 23:34

It sounds like your cousins were victims like you were.

If it sincerely helps you to go NC then do it, but it seems extreme this many years on when it was clearly your parents who were the issue, not your cousins.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/08/2019 23:35

It sounds nothing of the sort.

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