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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think i didnt have a wonderful childhood

50 replies

recklessruby · 02/08/2019 23:07

My cousins and i all grew up together in the same house. My auntie and parents lived together for various reasons.
Recently I have been remembering things and feeling like it wasnt as idyllic as they both say. To the extent i have unfollowed them on fb and am getting quite angry. I dont know why. We are 50, 51 and 54 so its long past.
Anyway i have a big thing about the house being clean and my dc have always grown up knowing i clean thoroughly. They are 31 and 25 and both living at home just now and sometimes tease me about my super cleanliness. I think if only you knew..
As a kid I never could have friends round. The house was a mess. Think rotting food in the kitchen cupboards and black dirt on the floor. When i was 8 i found some cleaning stuff (vim) and spent the afternoon cleaning. I still remember my delight at a lovely blue and yellow floor (didnt actually know what colour it was till then).
We weren't abused or neglected but life was tough.
As a teenager my cousins caused arguments by being in trouble with school and police and i became anorexic (this is still referred to as me being a fussy eater).
So aibu to want to go nc with the cousins (auntie since died) and refuse to buy into this lets get together and relive memory lane thing?
Sorry its late and i ve had a drink but i just want to distance myself.
Mum and Dad are still here and Dad has memory problems now but Mum says she understands why i m going nc.
My own dc do not understand and think i m being harsh.
Sorry its long

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2019 23:35

It wouldn’t make the cousin’s viewpoint any less valid, though, or op’s any more so.

No, but it might partly explain why she’s directing her animosity at totally the wrong people.

Unfollowing isn’t a bad idea if it’s triggering you. Going NC though seems uncalled for.

Original poster

recklessruby · 02/08/2019 23:35

I think my mother feels bad as she was very ill a lot of my childhood and probably wasn't up to running a house. My cousins actually embarrass me now, one has been in prison for GBH and the other has been driving without a licence for years and has a few failed marriages.
I just want to be left alone i think.
I have tried to explain some of this to my dc but they haven't experienced any such things to be able to relate.

OP posts:

BanginChoons · 02/08/2019 23:38

They probably acted out because they were having a shitty childhood too.

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2019 23:38

My cousins actually embarrass me now, one has been in prison for GBH and the other has been driving without a licence for years and has a few failed marriages.

More dripping than the Whaley Bridge Dam. 💧

Go NC then. Doesn’t sound like you actually like them.

LaMainDeFatima · 02/08/2019 23:41

You sound like you're being a bit mean and judgey on your cousins

Maybe concentrate on bettering yourself rathe then looking down on others ?

kitk · 02/08/2019 23:43

To be absolutely honest, I'm not sure I could blame parents being crap if it's just a dirty house bringing you down... UNLESS serious childhood issues like recognised abuse, I think adults need to take responsibility for themselves and their hang ups- a dirty house does not mean abused

Ginger1982 · 02/08/2019 23:46

YABU to blame your cousins for your parents failings.

CamdenLoaf · 02/08/2019 23:47

What your cousins have done as adults is irrelevant to your beef that they should have realised you hated the messy shared house in childhood. Your mother was very ill, and your aunt is now dead, but are your cousins a safe target for your bitterness?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2019 23:51

Each of us have the right to decide how happy our childhood was. Your cousins have their own truth, you have yours. None of you are wrong. All of you are right.

But if their truth is something that you can't deal with for whatever reason, then you can cut contact. That's your truth and your prerogative.

As far as their current 'activities', that's up to you, too. We have no contact with DH's cousins because of the choices they've made in their lives (criminal activity, relying on welfare instead of working, etc). We don't hate them, we aren't 'annoyed' by them. We just don't want that in our lives. We initially cut contact because we didn't want our sons around them as they brag about how many times they've gotten away with things, openly used drugs, etc. Then we realized that we ENJOYED not being around them!

Do as you please, but remember that they have a right to their memories, just as you have a right to yours.

Original poster

recklessruby · 02/08/2019 23:52

Well I have always kept a clean house but recognise that its not a priority for everyone.
I m able to live and let live and have a decent life now. I just dont want to revisit the past with them.
And yes social media can be annoying, we do have mutual friends.
I just think we have nothing in common anymore and I m the only one seeing things clearly.
I m not saying my childhood was total shit just these things got me down and were not acknowledged.

OP posts:

Original poster

recklessruby · 02/08/2019 23:57

@acrossthepond55 I too think i will be happier nc. My life bears no relation to theirs and they think I m the odd one for going to uni and getting a "proper" job in our old school.

OP posts:

15YemenRoad · 03/08/2019 00:16

You sound awful, so judgemental and pathetically putting blame on them for things that were not their fault.

Evidently you do not like them so do them the favour and get out of their lives, they're probably better off without you.

Perhaps it's time to look into your life and judge yourself as a person and take responsibility where you need to. You do not sound like a nice person at all.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2019 00:19

@recklessruby You probably will be, we definitely are.

We were seen as the 'rich ones' (we aren't) and every time we saw them we got a call from one of them a few days later asking for money. Not a loan mind you, just 'Can you give me...' for some bullshit reason as if we had a money tree in our back garden. We never gave it them, and I'm sure we were roundly abused for it once off the phone.

Justaboy · 03/08/2019 00:20

Why not try talking to thrm to see if they want to talk about how things really were back then?.

As they saw it?.

HeadintheiClouds · 03/08/2019 00:28

How much contact do you have with your cousins at the moment, op, that you’d be happier being nc?
You seem obsessed with the fact that you now keep a clean house, but recognise it’s not a priority for everyone, it’s most odd.
Your same age cousins were not responsible for the filthy conditions you lived in, your mother was.
Do neither of you understand the part she played in whatever you feel was so wrong in your upbringing?

CherryPavlova · 03/08/2019 09:05

No you didn’t have anything dreadful to overcome, to be honest. There is a point in our lives where we need to stop looking back and blaming parents who, like most of us, were trying their best. A messy house is no great hardship.
Stop contact if you want. You’re probably doing them a favour. Take responsibility for your own life and own happiness.

I wonder, given your fixation on cleanliness, whether you are a little unwell?

Durgasarrow · 04/08/2019 13:31

You're doing the right thing.

BuildBuildings · 04/08/2019 13:38

I feel like you going nc or minimal contact with your cousins because you don't agree with their life choices or attitudes (law breaking) is fair enough. I don't think they are to blame for the conditions you grew up in. However I understand it can be difficult if you feel it was tough growing up and they act like it was all l lovely. So don't have much to do with them if you want but don't blame them for your childhood

colourlessgreenidea · 04/08/2019 13:39

It doesn't seem to have bothered them.

Which is entirely fine. Their reaction to the situation and your reaction to the situation are allowed to be different, and neither viewpoint invalidates the other.

I just dont feel i want to buy into the image of a lovely glorious happy childhood which is what they both seem to believe we had.

Perhaps to them it was glorious and happy? It’s not your place to define their experience in terms of your own. Or perhaps their experience was miserable and this a conscious or subconscious coping mechanism?

You’re looking to apportion blame, but you’re misdirecting it.

brightfutureahead · 04/08/2019 13:47

Yanbu to feel sad about your childhood, but the adults were to blame. You’re an adult yourself though now and you’re in control of your own life, so if going non contact would make you feel better then you have the power to do that. They may be feeling the same way about you.

daisystone · 04/08/2019 13:52

I am of the opinion that if you have a hard time thinking about your childhood and if it makes you unhappy to relive it then of course you don't want to reunite and rehash the past.

They obviously remember things differently or as not as disturbed by past events. If it is painful for you and you don't particularly like or get on with them then I would distance yourself.

Obvs, a lot of it was not their fault, but I do understand that that is not what you are saying. You just don't want to be around a constant reminder or listen to people talking about events that you found upsetting.

Sargass0 · 04/08/2019 14:05

If you're studying child psycho. logy then I would have thought that you would have a decent insight as to why your cousins have made different choices in life to you. From an outsiders view it appears that they have been more damaged by their childhood through the actions they have taken and where their lives are now- compared to yours. Maybe you were the lucky one....

colourlessgreenidea · 04/08/2019 14:11

If you're studying child psycho. logy then I would have thought that you would have a decent insight as to why your cousins have made different choices in life to you.

I agree. It’s odd to be studying psychology but lack an awareness of differing perspectives/interpretations, the construction of/fallibility of autobiographical memory, family systems, the interplay of dysfunctional backgrounds and delinquent behaviour or self-sabotaging life choices, learned behaviour, etc.

WhoTellsYourStory · 04/08/2019 14:13

I don’t agree that anyone should be telling the OP whether or not she’s being unreasonable to think her childhood involved neglect or abuse. It’s not what she asked, and it’s dangerous. Many, many people have been through childhood experiences which “don’t seem that bad” but were nonetheless impactful at an early age. Many people need to work through that without being told they’re just blaming their parents and not taking responsibility.

OP: I confronted my parents this year about my childhood (which they’d always maintained was happy) and they acknowledged the adverse experiences I had that created problems that had been buried for years. I didn’t go NC but I would’ve done if it’d helped me be mentally well. If that’s you and your cousins, then that’s fair enough. It doesn’t mean you blame them. Just that you need to be healthy.

Seeleyboo · 04/08/2019 16:20

OP maybe they haven't handled their childhood the way you did and are more damaged from their upbringing. My sister and I have totally different lives yet the same childhood. Both sexually abused for many years. Physically and mentally abused by our mother. The judge in our court cases believed it was the worst abuse he had ever come across yet, i have a relatively successful life and my sister is on medication and has therapy to deal with her memories and simply can't function. Don't judge their life choices. Just move on if you feel that's what you want. I'd say whatever you do think about how others feel too.

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