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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To not force my DS to go out

32 replies

RagwortFlower · 02/08/2019 21:58

DS currently 18 and awaiting A-level results is currently in his room gaming and not going out. He is very shy and naturally reclusive. He does have friends but doesn't often see them outside College. My parents are applying pressure on me to force him to go out. I feel that he is entitled to choose how he spends his leisure time. I'm not sure you can force someone into being sociable. It's just who he is. AIBU?

OP posts:
AlwaysDancing1234 · 02/08/2019 22:03

Please do not force him. If he’s happy as he is leave him be.
I was painfully shy as a child/teen. My mother is extrovert and didn’t understand at all and used to literally drag me to pubs and shove me towards people to talk to them, just made it worse.
When I moved away aged 17 I very slowly found my confidence it took years.

Leeds2 · 02/08/2019 22:04

I don't think you can force someone to go out but, if he were mine, I would try and encourage him to deal with his shyness and make some effort to engage in social interaction. Meeting friends, voluntary work, paid job, even going for a walk/bike ride by himself.
What does he want to do post results? Go to uni? Get a job? He will probably have to come out of his comfort zone then, and it will be easier for him if he has had a little practice.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 02/08/2019 22:13

If he's happy gaming, leave him to it. I'd say that regardless of age but you definitely can't/shouldn't force an 18 year old to do anything. I'd be telling your parents to keep out. He has friends at college and probably has online friends through his gaming.

I know a few people who wish their 16/18 year olds didn't go out so much due to not doing enough school work/drinking/various other problems.

Jamieson90 · 02/08/2019 22:13

You might find he has lots of friends on the games he plays. Some gamers even join teams or clans and enter tournaments together and there is lots of teamwork, cooperation and strategy involved. You can talk to people all around the world and learn interesting things about their history, politics, culture and language. So all good things in the digital age we live in.

I'd be tempted to leave him be. If not maybe he could join a club for any hobbies he likes?

CherrySocks · 02/08/2019 22:15

We all need exercise and fresh air and a change of scene though don't we?

Original poster
RagwortFlower · 02/08/2019 22:16

AlwaysDancing Thank you for your advice.

Leeds2 He is waiting to find out A Level results and then will be applying for Uni if results good enough. If not good enough, it will be another year at College doing re-takes

OP posts:
LizB62A · 02/08/2019 22:19

My son talks to all his friends online while they're gaming. It just seems to be what they do these days.
He's made online friend all over the world as well as staying in contact with school friends.

Drogosnextwife · 02/08/2019 22:21

Where do they expect you to force him to go? My brother was like that at 18. Now he has a girlfriend and a great social life in living in the biggest city close to us. I wouldn't worry about him. Don't force him to go out.

Original poster
RagwortFlower · 02/08/2019 22:23

Jamieson I don't think he has any online friends. He really is very reclusive. The idea of clubs had been suggested to him, but he is completely opposed to the idea. Too shy I think sadly.
Cherrysocks Change of scene and exercise would be beneficial to him but he is pretty resistant to this unfortunately.

OP posts:
likeafishneedsabike · 02/08/2019 22:24

I think I wouldn’t be concerned about the social side, but I would be concerned about the health implications of no fresh air and exercise for an extended period. He’s not a gym goer, I take it?

likeafishneedsabike · 02/08/2019 22:26

Only ask about the gym as it can be anonymous if you like it that way - headphones in and get on with it. No need to engage with other humans if you don’t want to.

Original poster
RagwortFlower · 02/08/2019 23:51

Likeafishneedsabike Gym is a great idea. Thank you. I will suggest and see if he goes for it. We do have a few bits of gym equipment at home which he goes on with his Dad!

OP posts:
Jamieson90 · 03/08/2019 00:55

Swimming is also a really good sport too. It's non contact and you only really compete against yourself unless you enter competitions. You can even get those waterproof headphones and music players if you really don't want to be disturbed too.

Another good idea would be the Scouts. I used to be Beaver Scout Leader and it was incredibly rewarding and great fun. He could volunteer in a Beaver colony working with 6-8 year olds, which might be more comfortable for him than working with adults. Also due to his relatively young age, the older leaders may take him under their wing and help him with his confidence and socialising. We used to have a younger leader working with us who struggled with anxiety and social situations and it was great to see they grow in confidence over time.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/08/2019 01:04

Tell your parents to mind their own sodding business.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/08/2019 04:58

Another one who wouldn't force him. This was me as a tenn, I was perfectly happy and being forced to go out was the opposite of what I wanted.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 03/08/2019 05:06

How many hours a day is he spending gaming?

Honestly if he was living under my roof, even at 18 I’d not be impressed he was gaming all the time.

Fresh air and physical activity is not something Id let go off.

Is he I’ve weight OP, is he helping you around the house?

At 18 he should have a part time/summer job.

Pipandmum · 03/08/2019 05:27

You can’t force him to do anything, and if he’s happy within himself you shouldn’t. However I do think anyone 16 up should have a job during the longer holidays, which would get him out, meet people, earn money, gain confidence plus be good for his CV.

yikesanddang · 03/08/2019 05:33

Shyness and introversion is so criticised. It is crazy that society values extroversion above introversion. Many of the greatest minds were introverts. Let him be. As long as his introversion isn't as a result of bad self esteem, there is no reason to think there is a problem.

SeaEagle21 · 03/08/2019 05:37

He is an adult - it's a bit late to start trying to make him go out and socialise. Leave him be and tell your parents to mind their own business.

Lovemenorca · 03/08/2019 06:03

OP
If you try to force him to go out you will be a rotten a parent as your parents are for applying pressure on you to force him out.
You be perpetuating shite parenting

So don’t. Stop the cycle.

Original poster
RagwortFlower · 03/08/2019 06:15

Thank you all for your comments. I will look into the idea of a job.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 03/08/2019 06:25

I don’t think you can force an 18yo to go out and socialize, or exercise or get some fresh air, but it is very reasonable to expect him to get a summer job. Waiting for A level results is not incompatible with working.

Kazzyhoward · 03/08/2019 06:47

Shyness and introversion is so criticised. It is crazy that society values extroversion above introversion. Many of the greatest minds were introverts. Let him be.

Have to fully agree. He'll find his own way. I was the same and that was in the days without computers/phones. I simply preferred staying in and reading/hobbying. It all turns around in the end - for me it was starting work which broadened my horizons working alongside adults, and I developed as a person. I'm still a natural introvert but I can do "normal" things, have a family, etc. I've had people on my back trying to force me to socialise etc and, yes as someone else said, it just makes it worse.

caughtinanet · 03/08/2019 06:48

If he's going to apply for uni if his grades are good enough what's he going to do for the next year until he starts his degree?

I wouldn't be too worried about a summer of gaming but a full year would be too much imo

Loveislandaddict · 03/08/2019 07:10

It’s fairly typical for teens nowadays, to spend ages on co oysters. Plus it’s a lot more social than some people realise.

However, if he’s going to uni in a couple of months, he’s unlikeky to find a job in that time, and a lot of clubs don’t run during the summer.

Leading up to uni, I got my dc to cook one or two simple meals per week in preparation for moving away.