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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are we BU?

43 replies

ArlosMumma · 02/08/2019 21:26

So a bit of background me and partner are young parents and a now just turned 9mo.

Partners mum has always been involved and we lived with her until early his year which lovely of her. Partner has just finished college and has told her he isn't going to uni (she wanted him to) and he wants to continue with the job he has (working from home). His mum has never approved and has told him to get a proper job and be a man she has even tried to get him to join his older brother on the building site.

Anyway the issue we have now is we were supposed to see her Tuesday but son was ill. We were meant to see her yesterday but partner was working and son was really irritated with his teeth and wanted to be on me all day. Today we took son swimming as we've just started to take him every Friday. Anyway partners mum messaged him this afternoon asking what he was doing and he said getting lunch and she asked to join us and partner said no because he wanted it to be the 3 of us (almost every Friday she has joined us). And she asked if she could have him overnight tonight and we said son only wants us at night time (last night he only would only settle on one of us and would wake everytime we put him down so we ended up co sleeping). She now saying that we are stopping her from seeing her grandson we were supposed to see her tomorrow to go to a farm with his side of the family but partner said he doesn't know if he wants to anymore as he wanted to take son somewhere else.

Are we BU? And what can we do?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 02/08/2019 21:33

When does he plan for her to see him?

It isn't really fair to go from living with her to just dropping her now.

He's a bit out of order for changing plans last minute. Is he playing a, power game?

Also your Son, as well as the two of you will benefit from a relationship with her.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/08/2019 21:46

I don't agree with the PP, it sounds like you see her loads and she sees the child and you a lot.

of course you aren't being unreasonable wanting to spend time as a family.

onanothertrain · 02/08/2019 21:51

I think you are being unreasonable. It sounds as though you are happy for his mum to be involved when it suits you eg when you are living in her house but now you don't need her she's dropped

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2019 21:55

YABU. You and your partner actually sound quite up yourselves.

Leeds2 · 02/08/2019 21:59

If I had been you then, yes, I would've let her join you for lunch today. And perhaps made it clear that, next week, we would be going somewhere on our own.
It is absolutely up to you and DP who you see, who sees the baby, and when. But if you continue to push people away, they might not be there when you need them.

MadameButterface · 02/08/2019 21:59

“we were supposed to see her tomorrow to go to a farm with his side of the family but partner said he doesn't know if he wants to anymore as he wanted to take son somewhere else.“

You’ve blown her off all week for various reasons, some good, some flimsy - i’d try and stick to at least one of the things you’d had planned with her, it would be a nice thing to do don’t you think?

I was going to say you don’t sound very mature but i guess you wouldn’t because you’re young 😁 it sounds like your partner is butting heads a bit with his mum over various things and is using contact with your ds to punish her a bit or as a power play. Do not involve yourself with this. A supportive grandma is worth her weight in gold, go to the farm and tell your partner to resolve his issues with his mum without dragging you all into it.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 02/08/2019 22:05

I wouldn’t want to commit to spending every Friday with my mum or Exps mum. I don’t think saying that equates to not letting her see her grandson. I would definitely still go and see her at the farm tomorrow though.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 22:10

I don't think it's unreasonable to have not seen her this week but it would be unreasonable to cancel plans last minute. You should go to the farm.

cottonwoolsnowmen · 02/08/2019 22:12

Well, when are you seeing her?

HeddaGarbled · 02/08/2019 22:16

There’s a balance to find between living your own independent lives and pushing her away too much.

She supported you when you needed her, so you do need to be careful not to be too unkind, as previous posters have pointed out. But that doesn’t mean you have to do everything she says.

With regard to your employment, if you are earning enough between you to support yourselves and your child, then that’s fair enough. If your partner’s “working from home” is just him indulging himself and not earning anything, then she has a point.

With regard to meeting up with her, it reads like you’ve cancelled or are planning to cancel, 5 consecutive arrangements. Is that right? If so, I can see why she’d be upset, even though you have good reasons for cancelling at least some of them.

I think you need to agree on the amount of times per week you think it would be reasonable to see her. Twice or three times a week, maybe, given her previous involvement. Then make proper arrangements in advance and only cancel if absolutely necessary. You can reduce this gradually if you want to, but my advice is to go gently and try not to be mean about it.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 22:19

Don't do what @HeddaGarbled said. Don't commit to certain days or say you can see DS twice a week or whatever. The second you miss a day or something comes up it'll kick off.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 22:23

I can see why she’d think that personally.

Why couldn’t she come for lunch?

HeddaGarbled · 02/08/2019 22:25

I don’t mean tell her you’ll see her a certain number of times per week. I mean agree with your partner what’s reasonable and then don’t make arrangements that you then back out of at the last minute unless absolutely necessary.

Original poster

ArlosMumma · 02/08/2019 22:30

Partner and son saw her on Monday and they took son out (I was at work). Tuesday we cancelled as son had stomach bug. She asked to see son yesterday if he's better which he was but very irritated and was tired as he didn't sleep very well on Monday or Tuesday night. and yesterday partner did tell her we might not have lunch out (we weren't planning to but had to pop to the supermarket and it was lunchtime by the time we were done).

OP posts:

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 02/08/2019 22:31

I would go to the farm tomorrow, if it's already been arranged, and it will probably be nice for your ds.
But I also totally understand your need to stand on your own two feet, make your own decisions, and be your own little family. Especially if she can be a tad overbearing at times! (I was also a young mum, and I think it's hard for the grandparents to see their own children in the mum or dad role, as grown ups.)

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 22:32

You definitely don't need to see her every day and shouldn't have to justify that

Original poster

ArlosMumma · 02/08/2019 22:51

Partners brother said recently that he is going to call his son the same name as son (that's another thread) and when we told partners family sons name they all didn't like it and now they are saying it's a lovely name to partners brother. So I guess that's probably annoyed him.

She couldn't meet us for lunch because partner said he wanted it just the 3 of us.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 22:54

Your partners brother is going to use the same name as your son for his own child?

That’s just bloody stupid. Is he thick?

LilQueenie · 02/08/2019 22:58

His mum has never approved and has told him to get a proper job and be a man

Safe to say its probably not the only time she has tried to get her own way. Is he perhaps feeling pressured by her and wanting time away. I would say he is being a man. Hes putting his partner and child first.

Don't commit to certain visiting days.

KCM99 · 02/08/2019 23:01

As someone who has been given the short end of the stick with regards to family/parents, I know it hurts. But in the long run it is what it is, and you're best keeping the peace even if an injustice has occurred. Be nice to mum, keep the peace, tell your DP to not huff. Hope you all have a lovely day tomorrow xx

mummmy2017 · 02/08/2019 23:07

You could go for an hour or so then leave...

Panda761 · 02/08/2019 23:21

Try and see this from his mums point of view too. She's seen you everyday whilst you lived with her. Now you've dropped her every day for the best part of a week. She's likely worried about you all starting out in a new place and with your little one being ill.

Don't push her away. You don't know when you might need her and a grandparents support can be invaluable.

To be honest your partner sounds quite immature. You've made plans with her, you don't cancel just because you 'feel like doing something else'.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face about the brother and the name thing or you'll be the ones left alone and isolated. That's never easy but when young and just starting out as a little family in your own it's even harder. A friendly face to pop in for a cuppa and hold the baby whilst you pop to the shop or have a bath or to pop in and help with the ironing etc makes the world of difference. If you nurture your relationship with your MIL it sounds like she'd be a great support

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 03/08/2019 00:33

I'd be more annoyed about the name than anything else to be honest... However I would still go the farm

shinynewapple · 03/08/2019 08:49

So I'm guessing you are both around 18/19?

Whilst it's both nice, and also important to create your own family time with just you, your DP and DS, I think it's all early days for you in terms of your life ahead and if you have good family support at the moment, you should also do what you can to keep this.

I can see the difficulty between your DP and his mom. From her POV rather than having to get used to her son's independence at 18, she gained a daughter-in-law and grandson , and rather than needing her less, her son needed her more. You've now all moved out, and reducing contact is probably very upsetting for her.

Equally I can see your DP is wanting to assert his independence from her and be with his own little family.

In your instance I would try to go along to the farm if DS is up to it. Try and keep the good relationship going because I am sure there will be many times in the future where you will need support from DP's mom and other family and it's much easier to ask for help from a position where you are all amicable and seeing each other regularly.

katewhinesalot · 03/08/2019 09:02

Either don't make too many plans in advance or just agree a limit with your partner beforehand. However when you have made plans don't be flakey and cancel unless you absolutely have to.

Apologise for not seeing her this week as its been "one of those weeks", stick to the farm plan, which you would be unreasonable to cancel, and then start again next week.

It's ok to say "no, we are having lunch just the three of us" as long as you normally stick to the plans you have made. His mum was just disappointed as she hasn't seen her gc, but that's ok as the cancellations were for good reasons.

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