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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are we BU?

43 replies

ArlosMumma · 02/08/2019 21:26

So a bit of background me and partner are young parents and a now just turned 9mo.

Partners mum has always been involved and we lived with her until early his year which lovely of her. Partner has just finished college and has told her he isn't going to uni (she wanted him to) and he wants to continue with the job he has (working from home). His mum has never approved and has told him to get a proper job and be a man she has even tried to get him to join his older brother on the building site.

Anyway the issue we have now is we were supposed to see her Tuesday but son was ill. We were meant to see her yesterday but partner was working and son was really irritated with his teeth and wanted to be on me all day. Today we took son swimming as we've just started to take him every Friday. Anyway partners mum messaged him this afternoon asking what he was doing and he said getting lunch and she asked to join us and partner said no because he wanted it to be the 3 of us (almost every Friday she has joined us). And she asked if she could have him overnight tonight and we said son only wants us at night time (last night he only would only settle on one of us and would wake everytime we put him down so we ended up co sleeping). She now saying that we are stopping her from seeing her grandson we were supposed to see her tomorrow to go to a farm with his side of the family but partner said he doesn't know if he wants to anymore as he wanted to take son somewhere else.

Are we BU? And what can we do?

OP posts:

BeanBag7 · 03/08/2019 09:40

Cancelling because son is ill, fine.
Cancelling because you might want to do something else, not really OK. Especially if you have already cancelled on her twice this week.
If I were his mum I would be starting to wonder what I'd dont to upset you.

The name thing is weird on the side of your brother in law but "everyone is saying it's a nice name" - surely you'd be upset if they were saying they didn't like it since it's your son's name!

dontfollowmeimlosttoo · 03/08/2019 09:51

YANBU she is ! I can't believe she demands to have your son overnight. Of course a young baby needs his mum and dad ! There is no need for him to be staying over there at all . Also you need family time as a three! Routines go to pot when family are round too much. I can only cope for a couple of hours because MIL and my own mum over stimulate baby and want to feed him when he is showing tired signs they say he is hungry ( they don't know him aswell as me obviously I know it's his tired signs ) can't stand it when they want to play as being mother again !

BeanBag7 · 03/08/2019 09:58

@dontfollowmeimlosttoo

I don't think she "demanded" to have him overnight. OP said she asked.

Also OP and her partner didnt seem to have any trouble with his mum being around disrupting routines when it suited them (I.e. living in her house)

PooWillyBumBum · 03/08/2019 10:03

I can see why she’s annoyed, it sounds like you’ve cancelled a lot this week - sometimes for fairly feeble reasons - and she’s done a lot for you in the past.

If I were you I’d tell your partner to suck it up and let her come to lunch, or suggest an alternative.

Original poster

ArlosMumma · 03/08/2019 20:58

She asked to have son last night over night and then said we were stopping her from seeing son.

And when we announced sons name partners mum and even his brother etc said they hated the name and we should pick another one or use the one we were going to go with in the first place (we changed the day before registering).

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 04/08/2019 07:32

Did you go to the farm?

It's your decision when she sees your son, whether she likes it or not.
But don't burn your bridges.

She can't have him overnight if it unsettles him. That's not fair on him.

The name thing is shitty.

Angelf1sh · 04/08/2019 07:42

You’re entitled to decide who sees your baby and when, but it does sound to me like you’re using the cancellation of visits as a punishment- first for the disapproval of DPs career choices, now for supporting DP’s brother’s name choice. If that is what you are doing, then you should stop it’s not fair on your kid.

Original poster

ArlosMumma · 04/08/2019 20:47

Yes we went to the farm.

Today we went to partners fathers. And partners mum said we have to let her see son tomorrow now even though partners father hasn't seen son since last Sunday as he usually has son when me and partner are working.

OP posts:

katewhinesalot · 04/08/2019 21:33

None of this "has to" - you need to set boundaries. People see your son when it's convenient to you. You can be nice but firm about it.

"Xxx, DC is our child and there is no "has to" about it. When it's convenient we'll see you but sometimes we are busy doing other things. Now we are free on xx. Would you like to do something then?"

dollydaydream114 · 04/08/2019 21:39

You shouldn't cancel plans without good reason - but your partner's mum shouldn't be expecting to see her grandchild every bloody day, or even every week, really. And if she's claiming you are 'stopping her from seeing her grandson' just because she didn't see him for a few days, she's being a massive drama queen.

Original poster

ArlosMumma · 04/08/2019 21:54

We have Told her we have plans tomorrow. We are going to visit my parents for a few days. And she has said that we shouldn't be taking son to visit them they should come to us (my mum and dad come to us every month or so) because she doesn't see us then.

OP posts:

hammeringinmyhead · 04/08/2019 22:26

It's not up to her whether you go and visit your family. I think she sees you as kids who should do as you are told.

katewhinesalot · 04/08/2019 22:58

"It's up to us how we organise our life lives now. We aren't little kids anymore. We get to make our own decisions. Do you want to do something on x day or not? That's the earliest we can do."

Calm but firm.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 05/08/2019 13:02

Hope you have a nice break visiting your family OP. x

Original poster

ArlosMumma · 06/08/2019 23:10

it's been OK although today partner was accused of kidnappinkidnapping and hurting son and was assaulted (read thread in relationships if you want).

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 07/08/2019 07:22

I’ve just realised that your username is revealing your child’s name. As it seems quite unusual to me, I’d imagine you could actually be identified by it (unlike most people here who claim something generic could bebouting). You might want to consider changing it.

TitianaTitsling · 07/08/2019 07:27

and you're best keeping the peace even if an injustice has occurred. Be nice to mum, keep the peace, tell your DP to not huff. Absolutely not this!!

Original poster

ArlosMumma · 10/08/2019 21:57

So today partner asked her if she would take me son and him somewhere so we dont have to get the bus (he gets travel sick on the bus and she knows as hes been like it since he was a child) and she would see son and she said no she was going out even though he asked her if she had plans today and she said no. And she soon messaging him this evening asking to see son.

OP posts:

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