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AIBU?

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Original poster

For reporting my ex husband to NSPCC?

39 replies

My3Girls · 01/08/2007 21:37

My ex husband every now and then takes my children to Scotland when on leave from the army and in March this year during a conversation with DD1 on the phone I found out that my ex husband had been allowing my 6 YO and 4yo DDs to the local park on their own. At the moment I found out my 4yo was there on her own as DD1 had come home. I was distraught about this at the time that anything could happen and told DD to pass me onto her dad. I told him to go get DD from the park and call me back. He clled me back and I explained that I never want to hear that they have gone to the park on their own again and explained my fears that anything could happen't them in a very amicable way.

Anyway the girls are there this week and as always everyday I call DDs for my daily "love yous". I asked dd1 if she was ok and she told me she had hurt her back. I asked her how it had happened and she said she fell off the climbing frame. I asked her if her dad had been there and she told me NO . So I asked her to put me on to her dad and freaked out and said it was the only thing I have ever asked him not to do in the three years of us seperating and he just told me "Their ok" and he then put the phone down!!

I started panacking then as am suffering with PND and the biggest symptom at present is massive fears that something will happen to one of my children, so I contacted the NSPCC as I didn't know what else to do as he won't listen to me. The lady was lovely although she kept bringing the depression up

Anyway the lasy has said that she feels it should be refered to social services and they may send him a letter explaining that it is not appropriate to allow young children of the ages 6 and 4 to be on their own in a public place at any time.

I am now frightened that he will kick off and I don't know if I have been irrational but I keep flitting from yes of course if he won't listen to me when it comes to the safety of our children then so be it and then back to OMG what have I done??

Oh I don't know

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Beetroot · 01/08/2007 21:39

You are not bieng irrational - they should not be on their own in a park. It is dangerous

tortoise · 01/08/2007 21:41

I think you did the right thing.

bluejelly · 01/08/2007 21:43

You are not being irrational. However even though they shouldn't be in the park alone, the chances of something happening are still very slim.
When are they coming back to you?

Original poster
My3Girls · 01/08/2007 21:45

Bluejelly tomorrow thank goodness

I can't stop thinking what could of happened if DD's fall had been more serious and no one had been there.

OP posts:
itwasntme · 01/08/2007 21:47

No you haven't been irrational.

There is no way on this earth that I would allow my daughters into the care of someone who allows them to go to the local park on their own, father or not.

He must be bloody stupid, bloody lazy, or as I suspect, both.

(shudders at the thought of a 4-year old walking home alone)

bluejelly · 01/08/2007 21:47

I have similar feelings of anxiety when my dd is with her dad. He is rather irresponsible and generally annoying with it.
However in 7 years of looking after her at weekends, nothing bad has ever happened, something I try and remind myself!
Hard sometimes though...

By the way are you getting treatment for the depression?

macmama73 · 01/08/2007 21:48

How far away is the park from his house and can he see the park from his house? I let my 5 and 3 year olds out into the courtyard on their own when I am doing housework, check on them every couple of minutes.

If the park is further away then it is irresponsible of him to let the children play there alone. A 6 year old is not old enough to take responsibility for a younger sibling.

tbh, I think that your reaction was a bit ott, but understandable considering the circumstances. At the end of the day, he is putting the children in a dangerous situation.

Original poster
My3Girls · 01/08/2007 21:48

Please excuse the spelling and grammer am tired from night feeds at present

OP posts:
corblimeycharlie · 01/08/2007 21:51

You have been reasonable by asking him not to allow them out alone. He has put your children at risk and too much responsibility on your 6 yr to look after her 4 yr old sister.

nightowl · 01/08/2007 21:54

not ott.

they should not be in a park on their own at that age.

TotalChaos · 01/08/2007 21:54

YANBU. I don't feel entirely comfortable in a park by myself at the age of 30!

Original poster
My3Girls · 01/08/2007 21:57

IWM That is another thing that makes me angry, that he sees the girls on average 3 times a year for a week at a time and can't just spend half an hour at the park with his children

you can't see the park from the house. It is down a long road just outside perth prison.

I am having lots of support with the depression I have suffered with it before after DD2 so help came before DD3 was born.

OP posts:
Pan · 01/08/2007 21:59

You are def. not being unreasonable. He simply shouldn't be doing it. It smacks of "couldn't be arsed" attitude.

But, don't rely on SS in writing to him either. They are usually way too busy with matters more immediately pressing.

It does sound like time for a 'review' on what he actually does do with your little ones in general. This does sound like an incident that's been brought to your attention now, but it is indicative of a 'couldn't care less' attitude, I'm afraid.

Original poster
My3Girls · 01/08/2007 22:01

Thankyou for your support I know the NSPCC lady agreed with me but I was worried she was being nice as not to upset me because of PND IYSWIM.

I still have no doubt that EXH loves DDs and I think that as I am 6 years younger than him I have no right to tell him what to do which is anothr reason I just want someone with authority to let him know I am right in asking him to not let the girls there on their own.

OP posts:
angie0201 · 01/08/2007 22:01

you are just acting like any caring parent what is going on in his head to let them do that, my dp read what you said and being a dad himself he cant understand it

bluejelly · 01/08/2007 22:03

Age has nothing to do with responsibility. you are being a responsible parent, he is not.
But try not to worry too much tonight, your dds will be home tomorrow, safe in your company.

Bet you can't wait!

hunkermunker · 01/08/2007 22:04

I believe it's illegal for you to leave your children with an unsuitable caretaker.

He is being an unsuitable caretaker, since it is neglectful for him to let them go to the park by themselves.

Therefore it's illegal for you to leave them with him and you could possibly be prosecuted for neglect if you do.

I think. This is from a conversation I had the other day with a social worker and some rudimentary googling just now.

But if I am right, it does mean that until he can prove he understands about being suitable, you have a very good reason not to let them go and stay with him again.

Original poster
My3Girls · 01/08/2007 22:05

Pan I know, I thought the asme thing regarding the social services. My mother works closely with SS here and this was anothr worry of taking their time up.

But how do I get this message into his head I will be petrified to let the girls go away with him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
My3Girls · 01/08/2007 22:09

Deffo can't wait BJ The best time I think is when I know all of my babies are tucked up safe in their beds here.

Hunker I am considering taking a legal route TBH and get some conditions put on his contact.

Other than these park incidents I always belived he was a fab parent but I had to find out this from DD. So goodness knows what else he lets them get up to

OP posts:
Pan · 01/08/2007 22:10

I follow hunker.

As to change? I don't know. What appeals to his sense of motivation? Fear?

If he is this lax, and otherwise occupied, would a refusal to allow visits mean that much?

hunkermunker · 01/08/2007 22:10

I just wanted to alert you to the fact that if you know he's being neglectful, and you let him have the girls, you might get in trouble for that. Not sure if it's the same because he's their dad, but still, worth getting advice about.

Good luck - sounds v stressful.

angie0201 · 01/08/2007 22:15

you poor thing my heart goes out to you what a stressul tme it can be at time raising children without a father like that about good luck with it all

Original poster
My3Girls · 01/08/2007 22:17

Yes Pan it is fear. If anyone with authority was to say anything to him he will listen.

Hunker am going to have a word with HV tomorrow as she works closely with SS, I spoke to her about my feelings last time it happened and I am sure she mentioned something I could do regarding contact if I wanted.

Roll on tomorrow!!!

OP posts:
bluejelly · 01/08/2007 22:17

Sorry but I don't think anyone in authority would consider you responsible when they are in his care. And the fact that you raised concerns to the NSPCC shows that you are concerned (very !) for their welfare...
But definitely worth tackling, once they are home safe and sound ( which they will be)

bluejelly · 01/08/2007 22:19

read back my last post and not sure it made sense! (Been a very long day!)
Speaking to HV sounds like a great idea though, try not to worry before then
Take care