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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How long is reasonable to be off for?

32 replies

HolyJaffaCakes · 02/08/2019 18:28

I've just lost another pregnancy (it's one of many losses) and I just feel so drained by it all.

I want to ask the doctor to sign me off. Not just because of the physical aspect but the mental we well. I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't function properly day to day. I just want time to breath and go slow for a while.

I'm worried about taking the piss. This whole thing has left me with anxiety about everything so I worry and overthink all the time.

I'd like to have at least two weeks to myself to just not think about anything. Is this reasonable or am I being ridiculous?

I'm just so sick of the world carrying on like it doesn't matter. I'm desperate to just stop for a while and catch my breath. I feel like I'm falling apart.

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/08/2019 18:30

So sorry for your losses, yes two weeks is more than reasonable to be off.

jellycatspyjamas · 02/08/2019 18:30

I’d be taking as long as you need to feel like yourself again - two weeks would be a starting point for me tbh, it’s not unusual for folk to be off for longer depending on your works absence policy.

I’m sorry for your loss, in an ideal world you’d take all the time you needed.

Original poster

HolyJaffaCakes · 02/08/2019 18:32

I’m sorry for your loss, in an ideal world you’d take all the time you needed

Yes at the moment that feels like it would be the foreseeable future!!

I'm already on anti depressants so might ask them if they think it needs putting up as well. I just feel like everything is rushing around me and my life is just still, not moving anywhere.

OP posts:

Original poster

HolyJaffaCakes · 02/08/2019 21:25

I'm going to call the doctor first thing Monday and see what they suggest.

OP posts:

NoWayDidISayThat · 02/08/2019 21:43

There is no right or wrong answer.
I preferred to go back quite quickly after a miscarriage (at 12 weeks). However my workplace wasn’t far away and my company were really kind and supportive. They didnt go overboard but everyone was lovely to me. Lots of people in my office had experienced miscarriages and were genuinely very kind to me.

If I had stayed home I would have felt worse. I wouldn’t have known what to do with myself. I think it would also have made it more difficult to come back to work at a later date.

Physically I felt tired but ok. I realize other people might feel a lot worse.

NoWayDidISayThat · 02/08/2019 21:44

I’m very sorry for your loss 💐💐

JustMe81 · 02/08/2019 21:47

With my first miscarriage I took 2 weeks off of work. I passed everything at home and felt able physically and mentally. With my second loss I was/am a SAHM, again I passed everything at home but for around a month I was physically in pain and mentally exhausted, If id been working I’d have taken a month at least. You can always extend your doctors line if you need to. I’m sorry for your loss, look after yourself.

Teddybear45 · 02/08/2019 21:49

Your GP can sign it off as pregnancy related - how long you take off is really dependant on how long you need. It’s not unreasonable to take anything from 2-20 weeks. Whatever works best for you.

fiydwi · 02/08/2019 21:52

It depends on you and how you’re feeling.
With my first mc I took about a week off and just self certified.
My second I didn’t take any off. It was another early one, I knew what was happening and what to expect so just carried on as normal.
My third was different as I’d got past the point of my previous ones and then had some spotting. Went to EPU, they took bloods and arranged a scan. Bloods were increasing but not enough, scan showed an empty sac which didn’t progress by the second scan. I then had to wait to pass it all. This all happened over about a week. It then took another 2 weeks to finally pass it all. I was mentally wiped out and took a month off.

15 months later I gave birth to the most precious little boy who is now 5.

Hope you’re ok op, take as long as you need and don’t feel pressured into going into work if you’re not ready xx

Original poster

HolyJaffaCakes · 02/08/2019 21:53

Thank you.

It's the mental side of it that is so much worse now after so many.

Physically I feel okay but mentally I'm really struggling. I'm constantly having to go to this appointment and that appointment, take various hormonal medications etc to try and help.

I'm just so mentally exhausted. My job is very high stress as well which makes it ten times worse.

I've found that I've been going in and just staring at my screen waiting to go home and the work is building up because I just can't face doing it. I feel like one mad client on the telephone will be enough to send me into a full breakdown. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

HolyJaffaCakes · 02/08/2019 21:54

It's literally all I've thought about now for years and I'm so drained.

OP posts:

Rosere · 02/08/2019 21:56

@HolyJaffaCakes I am so sorry for your loss. I think I took 6 or 8 weeks off and I needed every minute of it. Don't be afraid to take as much time as you need. I physically couldn't have gone back any sooner apart from anything else.

MRex · 02/08/2019 21:58

I'm so sorry for your losses. There's a difficult balance between taking the time that you need and making sure that you don't stay off for so long that it's hard to go back. What is good for one of us might not work for you, so it's very hard for anybody to know for sure. Do you have people who can support you at work? Do you need to talk to anyone except colleagues? Is your role challenging intellectually or physically? Do you normally like your role? Are children involved in any way? Those will all affect how much time will be right for you. Maybe a week or two of total rest, then a phased return so if you find it challenging you can count down the hours?

Hmmmbop · 02/08/2019 21:59

Take as long as you need. It varies massively by each person, I took 2 days, but I didn't feel bad mentally or physically, if I had, I would have taken longer. Take care of yourself and sorry for your loss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2019 22:01

for your losses OP

You need time to heal in your body and your heart and a couple of weeks off work isn’t going to do that but it will give you a break and you need to put your feet up, take long baths, feel fresh air on your skin, watch shit films, eat whatever you want, have short walks, lie in and cry it out. I’ve been there and it fucking sucks, no words make it better but I empathise with you so much. With two of mine I had to have surgery and then got infections - some luck - so had to have two weeks off but with the first of those I really could have used a bit longer as I felt like I was walking through treacle and when my boss took me aside to ask how I was I lost it and bawled, awful for everyone!

Start with two weeks, talk to your GP about upping your ADs, be gentle with yourself and just play it by ear.

cookieoclock · 02/08/2019 22:02

Sorry for your loss.
I think it’s a very personal thing. Unfortunately, I’m self employed and didn’t want to mess clients around so I went to work the day after discovering I’d had a mmc at 12 weeks. Admittedly, I felt better after a day at work.

Original poster

HolyJaffaCakes · 02/08/2019 22:18

MRex, it's challenging intellectually and I have to speak to a lot of clients. Most of whom are usually complaining or not very happy.

I'm very behind at work as it is because of major understaffing issues management don't want to sort out so it's additionally stressful because of that.

I don't particularly enjoy it even when I don't feel like this.

OP posts:

GrungeBetty · 02/08/2019 22:24

YANBU - take as much time as you need. I had an ectopic the first time and physically had to take about a month off before I was well enough to go back. Then I had a miscarriage which wasn’t as bad physically but mentally did me in. I can’t remember how long I was off for but I remember my boss telling me that there would be no allowances made for me if I went back so I took my time.

jellycatspyjamas · 02/08/2019 22:51

I've found that I've been going in and just staring at my screen waiting to go home and the work is building up because I just can't face doing it.
Take time off rather than going in and getting further behind - you’re not being productive (understandably), so stay home and let your heart heal a bit.

Your GP may increase your anti depressants but it sounds like your ha big a natural response to what’s been happening. Take time to look after yourself, there will come a time again when being at work will be good for you, now isn’t it.

LolaSmiles · 02/08/2019 22:53

Sorry for your loss.
Speak to your doctor and see what they say. Maybe take 2 weeks if they will do that and then review at the end of the fortnight. It's important to look after yourself at such a difficult time and I don't think you know how much time you'll need.

It may be worth looking into some support services or charity support to help you so you don't feel like you're wallowing or drowning in load negative emotions indefinitely or trapped without a way forward in due course.

BubblyBluePebbles · 02/08/2019 23:10

Sorry for your loss 💐Take as much time as you feel you need.
I took 2 wks off 1st time. 2nd time it was an early mc and expected after 6 wk Scan showed low heartbeat - I was off 1 day and went back to work quickly as I needed the distraction of work and just wanted to get on with things. Different strokes for different folks. It's a lot - physically and mentally, esp. if you've had more than 2-3 miscarriages. I can't imagine how hard that would be.
I've also experienced long periods of my work backing up due to lack of staff, never-ending cuts and bad management. Having 1yr off on ML helped escape that, but it continued after going back to work PT after my last child. Finally had enough of managing a FT+ workload on a PT salary along with constant pressure, stress and dealing with incompetent management, so I recently left my job to start my own business. I.e. - Longing to go on ML to escape a nightmare job only works if you are not planning to return to work after mat leave. Maybe you should try changing jobs whilst continuing to try for another child, as the stress of your job is not good for you 💐

Clangus00 · 02/08/2019 23:42

I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I would say take a month. Completely unwind and give yourself a time to just “be”. Sounds a bit airy-faerie, but you need to find yourself again and be grounded before you can begin to focus on work.
I really wish you well xx.

NOHOLIDAYS · 02/08/2019 23:51

So sorry for your loss OP. I'd say a minimum of 2 weeks but a month would be best. I had 5 weeks with an ectopic, a couple of days with a very early loss and 6 weeks with a MMC after IVF. I really needed that 6 weeks to recover physically and start to heal mentally. Give yourself some breathing space without the additional stresses of work. Take care.

Dieu · 03/08/2019 05:35

Very sorry for your loss I took a couple of days off after a miscarriage. As a high school teacher at the time, 2 weeks wouldn't have gone down at all well. Physically and emotionally I was ok though, and welcomed the distraction.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 03/08/2019 06:12

I've known two women to be off for miscarriages. One was away for about two months, one for a week. Nobody batted an eyelid at either.

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