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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DB is a knob - anyone else?

30 replies

Lemon27 · 02/08/2019 17:14

Have had a massive row with my DB this week, which is kinda the last straw for me in terms of our relationship and I don’t really care if we ever make it up.

He’s a really selfish person, never does anything for anyone without there being something in it for himself, but yet will happily ask others to put themselves out for him.

He’s always been argumentative and is annoyingly superior and arrogant when he wants to be (most of the time). Last week he started a row with my other siblings over something really ridiculous that had nothing to do with him, and carried it on to this week including dragging me into it and insulting us all. Turned into a total shit show slanging match and very upsetting for all involved (on the receiving end of his bitterness).

We were due to go to the coast tomorrow (myself, DH, my siblings & their DC, him and his wife) on a trip I arranged. Due to this horrible row during which he has been disgustingly aggressive and no apologies following, I text him yesterday saying he was longer welcome (told his wife separately that she was still welcome but obviously understand if she can’t come).

To which his response was he was delighted as he had no interest (despite sending the balance of the cost this week to me). I returned all the cash he send for his stay.

Anyway today his wife has been txting me asking can we not make it up etc as she’s been looking forward to this weekend for ages. To which I’ve responded saying take it up with your husband as it’s up to him to try make amends (he won’t as he refuses to see what he did wrong).

I’m exhausted from the energy draining of it all and am just sick of him. I don’t see bad behaviour should be excused and from what I can see for years my whole family put up with his bad behaviour and row causing crap with zero consequences for him because everyone wants to ‘get along’.

My DH and friend who knows the story keeps telling me life is too short for rows and family first blah blah but my attitude is why should some people be allowed to act badly, cause rows and upset people and no one pulls them up on it?

I’m happy to now lose contact with him unless he decides to apologise and make amends for the upset he’s caused this week (very unlikely).

Basically has anyone been in the same position with a sibling? Why should I continue to put up with him? I’m happy to go NC with him as it really won’t impact my life any way but positively given I’m only removing tension and resentment and he adds nothing positive. But I don’t want to regret it in the future even if he is the one making is almost impossible to keep a civil relationship.

OP posts:

MinistryOfTragic · 04/08/2019 15:07

I don't have the same problem with any of my siblings, but I would counter the "life's too short for disagreements" argument with life's too short to keep people who are drains on your life around. I'd go NC with a sibling who behaved like that for the sake of my own sanity.

Liverpool52 · 04/08/2019 15:13

Yep. After he belittled me yet again and when I could have really done with some support, I blocked him and haven't looked back. Being related to somebody does not mean you have to put up with behaviour you wouldn't accept from anybody else.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2019 15:14

I'd be done with him. Why should you put up with such awful abuse just because it makes everyone else more comfortable? No way.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/08/2019 15:17

Quite simple, I'm not dealing with his drama and attitude he says he has no interest I'm taking him at his word

GiBlues · 04/08/2019 15:28

People say life is too short for family rows etc but sometimes life is too short to put up with dickhead people and their shitty behaviour.
I’d have nothing more to do with him unless he apologises. But to be honest even if he did apologise this time, he sounds like a dick so there will probably be another issue eventually.

Joh66 · 04/08/2019 15:35

I finally realised at 50 (me) that my brother was never going to change and whatever happens I am never going to like him. Having said that if I run into him I am always polite, and if we meet accidentally at my other siblings home, I say hello and give him a hug. That's it. No cards, nothing else because for years he didn't bother for me, so I stopped bothering with him. It's much better than having a row and at least I don't have to pretend anymore.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/08/2019 15:36

You don't have to go NC, you could always do LC to keep the peace and have really low expectations if that's easier with your family.

Joh66 · 04/08/2019 15:36

And I no longer get upset and pissed off, which is the point for me!

Oldraver · 04/08/2019 15:37

I found out my sibling had been doing something highly illegal and had effectivlel dragged me into it, which could/can have repercussions for our household.

Asked him time and time again to sort it out but just ignored me. But kept on giving my Mother a load of lies as to how it had happened thta she was relaying to me.

I have been no contact for many years now. Ive had to cut off all contact with him and his g/f as I just cant be seen to have any ties with him. He is an idiot frankly, what he did could have had dire consequences for his businees as well

He has never acknowledged any wrong doing or even said sorry, just bleats to my Mum that it was all a mistake, yea that (I eventually found out) went on for years.

To be honest he's always been a selfish nightmare and has form for taking the women in his life for a ride. Me, my Mum, his girlfriends all seem to at some point been bankrolling him or at least making it easy for him to be fecless

Isatis · 04/08/2019 15:41

"Life's too short for disagreements" is a silly mantra. Inevitably disagreements will happen; with sense and goodwill on both sides they can be resolved, but that isn't going to happen when one party is consistently a selfish, aggressive, objectionable knob. I would counter that with "Life's too short to ruin holidays by spending them with arseholes".

It's tough on his wife, but maybe the time has come for her to tell her husband that she's not losing her holiday because of his stupid arguments and she's going without him.

kitk · 04/08/2019 15:59

I have this issue with my sister. She's vile. There's a big age gap- she's 22 and I'm 36, so hoping that she'll grow up and become a bit more bearable for in the years ahead. I can never relax in her presence as she takes offence and attacks everything I say. It's exhausting

Juells · 04/08/2019 16:03

My DH and friend who knows the story keeps telling me life is too short for rows

They're right, life is too short for rows. So get rid of people who thrive on causing them.

solarsystem · 04/08/2019 16:03

I would love to do this but am too much of a coward. But low contact once DM has died is a certainty (no sign of this yet). If you have got to the point of no return, keep going! He will never change.

SinkGirl · 04/08/2019 16:05

My brother is a selfish manchild. Only hear from him when he wants something. Two years ago he was trying to buy a flat after my mum died and despite having baby twins I spent huge amounts of time helping and advising him and supporting him through a break up

He’s the only family member we have nearby. We have disabled twin toddlers and I haven’t heard from him since Christmas - each time Xmas comes round he wants a family meal etc but the rest of the time acts as though we don’t exist, ignores any contact etc

He’s said some really awful things to me in the past and I’m completely over it - unless he grows up and wants to act like an adult I’m done helping

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/08/2019 16:09

He sounds like the male version of my sil! Life’s too short to be around people like this and they will never see their the common denominator.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/08/2019 16:16

It's impossible to say as you haven't given clues as to what you've argued about or what was actually said. Three people think you should make up, maybe they know the situation better than MNers who have no idea? It could be 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. It seems a shame for the children.

ElPontifico · 04/08/2019 16:17

I have a SIL who is a complete cowbag. Dramas, lies, tantrums, sulking, bullying, cadging money, falling out with everyone sooner or later; a very toxic person all round.

My DH is utterly done with her and refuses to meet her. I am more than happy with this. But MIL is always trying to get us together, even though she is fully aware of what SIL is like.

No, just no. Why should we have someone like that in our lives? There comes a point when brushing someone's shitty behaviour under the carpet is just enabling them to continue with it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/08/2019 16:23

Are we leading parallel lives El? If you get blamed for it all we are as one 🤣

ElPontifico · 04/08/2019 16:38

Haha Fluffy - I think my MIL does have a tendency to think that I was the instigator of the "we won't meet her" thing! And I'm pretty sure SIL believes that all evil comes from me and that I have turned her loving brother against her.

In actual fact I was the one persuading him to maintain a surface-politeness relationship with her for years. But eventually I realised that he was right all along... she truly is a dog-turd of a person and it's better to stay a long way away from her!

I guess it's easier for SIL and MIL to blame me, rather than look into their own family.

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2019 16:43

We call my brother a pound shop Donald Trump, he’s every “ist” going
I haven’t seen him for about 5 years,it’s great

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/08/2019 16:43

Yeah I’m evil too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2019 18:26

They're right, life is too short for rows. So get rid of people who thrive on causing them.

So very much this.

Crimebustersofthesea · 04/08/2019 18:31

I've been nc with my brother for a year. He's toxic, incredibly angry and aggressive, racist, sexist, name an ist he's probably it! My life is better without him in it. I know it upsets my mum which I do feel bad about but he's pushed and pushed and I've had enough. I feel very sorry for my sil who is lovely.

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2019 18:57

crimebuster I think you must be my sister (if I had one)

Mythreefavouritethings · 04/08/2019 18:59

He sounds like a drain on your time and energy. I would stand - and have stood - by family through a lot but from what you say, he offers little to nothing back. People like him coast through life on the basis ‘life’s too short’. Life IS too short, walk away and if nothing else other you don’t have to pick up the pieces any longer or he actually faces consequences for a change. Petulance and entitlement? Life is way too short.

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