Dealing with never having a third child

[AlwaysFuckingTired94]

DP had his vasectomy this morning.

It was the right decision, as for many reasons, we will never be in a position to have a third. But I'm just so sad about it. If circumstances were different I would have liked another child, or at least the option to have another child. I had my youngest at 24 and that just seems so young to be done having babies.

I know this is the right decision for our family, but I'm just so gutted. That biological urge is still there but we're choosing head over heart for the sake of our existing DC.

Please say something to make me feel better. Tell me all the good things about sticking with two kids...

No-one?

I only ever wanted 2. 3 for me would be too much. 2 adults, 2 kids is just the right balance for us.

I desperately wanted three, but it got easier once we had divorced because the option was no longer there. Perhaps you’ll find it easier after the vasectomy because the option won’t be there.

What would a hypothetical third child bring to your life that your existing two children haven't? What if you had a third and then experienced the same "biological urge" for a fourth? Where does it stop? YANBU to feel a bit sad that the baby stage of your life will be coming to an end but I think it's important to focus on what you already have.

I know it's all relative, but I'd personally be grateful and imagine how you'd feel if you couldn't have any dc at all.

I felt weird after my husband had a vasectomy (to the point of the night before telling him not to go through with it) - even though it was the right decision

Now I'm glad - it's just such a final step to take to say no more ever but we're a few years on now and it was definately the right decision and I'm glad we're away from that stage

Yep, you're doing the right thing by prioritising your existing DC over your own urge for more.

From a practical point of view, 3 DC+ usually means a bigger car and probably a bigger house, or kids sharing when they needn't have had to with fewer siblings.

You say that for many reasons, you would never be able to have a third so perhaps you can see the vasectomy as a blessing as it takes away the risk. Any time any options are taken away, it feels emotional. But only for a wee while.

I completely understand, for me, the desire to have one more baby defies reason. But just like many of the irrational wants I have you have to recognise it’s often best not to heed that instinct/desire. Maternal desire is interesting as people view it benevolently and up to a point, it is, but not when you can’t afford it, it’s bad for your health, it’s more than you can cope with, you’re getting too old etc.

I’d have loved a third but I know rationally that we could never have coped and I couldn’t give my other 2 dc what I can (attention, money) if I had another one. People tell me the urge passes and you get past the stage of wanting small dc.

My dh is booked in for a vasectomy soon. We also have 2 dc. Neither of us want any more children for a variety of reasons so it's easy for us. I would say there's a lot of plus points to sticking with 2 though.

One parent per child, never outnumbered.
Not needing bigger car/house.
Easier for trips/holidays.
Having more time/money/energy/space for the ones you already have.
Not going through another pregnancy/birth. It's a huge toll on your body and usually catches up with women when they're older, even if they think they're coping at the time.
Having time for yourself again when the kids are older, not spending your entire adult life raising babies.

I'm sure there are more positives.

The bright side op is that you’re very likely to still be young and healthy when you are a gran. Also, if you miss small children unbearably, there are plenty of ways to work or volunteer with deserving children - I do know it’s not exactly the same but it could help.

I totally understand how you feel, I can't have any more because I almost died having DD and it would be too big a risk, we always wanted 2 and if I let myself think about it too much, I do get sad. But I try and focus on the fact that we do have a healthy child and how much worse I'd feel if we couldn't have any. Also we can afford to do more things than we could if we'd had another, we'd have had to move house etc. I hope you're OK, it's not an easy feeling.

I get you OP. My DH is going to have a vasectomy, just waiting for it to be booked. We have 2 DC, and I am 40. We know having a third would not be the right decision for us - we adore our DC but they demand all of our time and energy (and both are not great sleepers), we have no family support nearby and basically feel we are incredibly lucky to have what we have and know this is it for us. Plus, DH comes from a large family and that has put him off having more than two, and I only ever wanted two.

However. It is making me sad, it's hard to accept that the baby years are almost done with (DS youngest is almost 2) and that I won't ever be pregnant or breastfeed again. But I think it's hormones and Mother Nature at play here - the crafty bitch knows I'm shutting up shop and she doesn't like it!

Accept and validate how you feel, it's totally normal and I think it definitely will pass. I'm thinking of getting a pet if it doesn't

My DP had a vasectomy in his 20s, we have no children. In the world we live in the head has to rule the heart!

You'll have more time and money for your 2 DC. I understand the yearning for a third because you're so young but you could think of it as having the best of both worlds; 2 beautiful children to watch grow and possibly getting your own life back a bit.

I totally understand how you feel, I’d have loved a third child but by the time we can afford another I’d be too old and my health went downhill slightly after my youngest.
Holidays, cars, home size, money are all easier with 2 rather than 3 but it’s obviously not really about that. Focus on having a brilliant time with your two and enjoy the fact that you don’t have to deal with nappies and night feeds. Also, think of all the sacrifices your children would have to make if there was another. The older I get the more I know I made the right decision. At least you won’t have to deal with contraception if DH has a vasectomy!

I always wanted a third and now I'm 46 biologically it's nearly out of my hands anyway. But I didn't realise until this year both dcs are autistic and have various other comorbidities. So I struggle with just the two of them. I'm a full time carer to both at the moment. They're 15 and 12. I'm also their therapist too as we don't get much help.
But there's always been that feeling that there was meant to be three. But we were right to just have two as they both have additional needs. I do a lot with them and managing the therapy I do with them requires research and planning time as I'm not a trained occupational therapist, counsellor, advocate, autism, dyspraxia and anxiety specialist... I am a teacher which has helped with ds2 and his school refusal and I taught ds1 how to read and spell. Also we pay £180 an appointment for their psychiatrist so we can't afford another child. I can't leave them alone so I can't work. So 3 would be impossible. We have no help either.

From the other side, if its not too crass; I love my dd3 to pieces, obvs, but we now can't buy a house, unless we put the children sharing (currently rent 4 beds). I'm still not where I want to be career wise, as it took another year our of my working life, the dynamic of three is tricky and I often feel really sorry for my middle DD.. struggle to get hotel/overnight accommodation..and everything just costs more, so the other two can't do as many activities as they would have been able to do otherwise. My dd3 was a "surprise" - I'd had 9 years of fertility issues, so we weren't as careful as we should have been, but if I'd had the chance to decide beforehand, I probably wouldn't have done it.

We have one ds 5 and I'd love my dh to get a vasectomy but he doesn't want an operation of any form,for enough.We are really happy with one and feel done.

Fair not for

DD had vasectomy after our 2nd. Best thing ever. We count ourselves very fortunate to have 2 children that were wanted and loved. Many people would envy your position.

DH did, not DD!

everything funnyface said.

Enjoy your 2 children - you're very lucky

I am so grateful for the two that I have and realise I'm very lucky. Hopefully this feeling will just pass over time.