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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sexual stalemate

42 replies

Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/08/2019 12:12

AIBU to have asked my DH to initiate and prioritise sex while I can't?

I'm 7 weeks pp. We've dtd a couple of times since about week 5, which I thought was pretty good going considering we have a 2yo and a newborn.

DH has said he feels distant from me sexually and therefore emotionally. He feels I've turned him down a lot. I didn't realise I had but when he mentioned it asked him to make any advances overt because sex isn't top of my priorities and everything's a bit of a sleep deprived haze atm.

DH is incredibly helpful, trying to ensure I get sleep by staying up with the newborn so I can get a stretch of solid sleep. Which means we don't go to bed together.

So the only other time I could see an opportunity to dtd is in the morning when the toddler wakes up at 5 and I might have a respite from feeding the newborn from 2-4am, which doesn't really put me in the mood and I would rather doze if I can.

He's been on annual leave this week and I think he was hoping to use afternoon nap time to dtd and is disappointed it hasn't happened. But 1) it's rare that the newborn also naps 2) we have lunch together 3) DH has fallen asleep after lunch more often than not.

I honestly don't know what his side would be. He wants sex but doesn't want to initiate it because of rejection. I've told him I won't reject him, I honestly have been put right off by all this and I know it isn't romantic to say "I don't really want to (It's not that I don't want to, just if it was an 'would you rather' it would be my second choice.) but go ahead if you can find the time".

So AIBU? Sorry it's long! I just have no one to talk to and I can't see any way forward and I'm a bit upset that 2/3 times in as many weeks 7 weeks pp hasn't been enough tbh.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 02/08/2019 12:15

It's 7 fucking weeks, tell him to get over himself and his rejection and feeling emotionally distant

rookiemere · 02/08/2019 12:15

You gave birth 7 weeks ago, you're getting next to no sleep and your DH feels he isn't getting enough sex despite already having had sex twice with you in that time.

Tell him to own his own feelings your priority has to be the baby and getting enough sleep to function properly.

BeanBag7 · 02/08/2019 12:16

YANBU you're sleep deprived and busy so sex isn't at the top of your list of priorities. He needs to understand this! How often did you have sex before?

Maybe he feels a bit sidelined because of the toddler and baby taking up so much of your time? Could you arrange for someone to watch the two of them even just for a few hours so you can reconnect as a couple - not sexually but just spending some time together.

daisypond · 02/08/2019 12:16

He’s being incredibly selfish and is acting appallingly.

Original poster
Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/08/2019 12:28

We had this problem with DS1 and this time I wasn't as sore and so I had prioritised it better this time and was feeling quite pleased with myself.

I don't think he realises how physically draining breastfeeding is and Dd is Hungry. So when I get a break it's nice to take it and just breathe.

It's not like I'm not feeling the urges but I'm normally either alone or in the middle of family life. I don't see when we have time.

I'm happy for him to sort himself out and he knows this which makes it worse because this is all about me and when I "let" him have sex

OP posts:
Hedgehogblues · 02/08/2019 12:35

Tell him to grow the fuck up

KUGA · 02/08/2019 12:52

Sounds selfish to me.
And typical of a lot of men sadly.
Its a shame men cant give birth...they would look at there penis in a different way.

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2019 13:04

He sounds really selfish
Has it not occurred to him that you're probably tired and it's not all actually about him? He did this after the first child so I don't know why you had another one

Blobby10 · 02/08/2019 13:04

I don't think my H and I DTD for about 3 months after the birth of each of our 3 children! Like you I was breastfeeding, up all night and totally knackered! Tell your 'D'H to cut you some slack and stop being a caveman!

IAskTooManyQuestions · 02/08/2019 13:05

Do you want sex? Cant you initiate it if you do? The ball is in your court here - you get to call the shots.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 02/08/2019 13:07

It's not like I'm not feeling the urges but I'm normally either alone or in the middle of family life. I don't see when we have time.

Then the pair of you have to clear the decks and make time if thats what you want, and you're implying you've got the urge

FortheloveofJames · 02/08/2019 13:07

7 weeks PP, and you’ve DTD a few times, whilst managing a newborn AND a toddler. I’d say he’s had a pretty good deal Hmm

You certainly shouldn’t be feeling the need to ‘prioritise’ sex this soon after birth if you don’t want to. That’s just plain selfish on his part. There are other ways to feel close to each other. He needs to just accept the way things are right now

Fairenuff · 02/08/2019 13:14

This is not normal in a relationship OP. Just pointing it out in case you thought it was.

Pineapplefish · 02/08/2019 13:18

He's being an arse OP. Just tell him to make it obvious that he's initiating, and not get offended if you decline because it's nothing personal against him, it's totally normal when you've got a toddler and a 7 week baby! It really is that simple.

TalentedMsRipley · 02/08/2019 13:20

I'm 7 months pp and not done it yet.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Feelingwalkedover · 02/08/2019 13:30

What am I reading I don’t know where to start.
Firstly the advice is not to have sex till after the 6 week check up.
Why is he pressuring you ,with his shit excuses ,oh I don’t feel close to my wife ,I need more sex ,didums ,it’s all about me and my needs as a man are not being met
He’s a selfish fucker
Why are you falling for this clap trap.
This has made me quite angry .fucking selfish man

gingersausage · 02/08/2019 13:30

If you want sex, tell him you want sex and have it.

If you don’t want sex, tell him you don’t want sex and don’t have it.

I’m honestly not seeing what is so complicated. I mean, I can’t imagine wanting sex at 5 months post partum let alone 5 weeks, but it’s your body not mine. I don’t get why you are so weirdly coy with someone you’ve created two children with 🤷‍♀️

Feelingwalkedover · 02/08/2019 13:31

I’ve had 4 kids.the focus is on baby at this stage
Ugh just ugh .

YouJustDoYou · 02/08/2019 13:34

He's immature. and selfish. A grownup male or female would understand how limiting it can be with young children.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/08/2019 13:39

'DH has said he feels distant from me sexually and therefore emotionally.'

What an absolutely selfish, self absorbed, needy, childish, manipulative arsehole.

You're 7 weeks pp, have a toddler too, and have already dtd a few times. I'll wager that's more than 99.9% of other women. Even if it wasn't, that isn't the point anyway. The point is, he is thinking only about himself here.

jaseyraex · 02/08/2019 13:41

Jesus christ, it was 9 months after DS1 was born before we had sex and 4 months with DS2. Your DH sounds like he's got a bloody good deal to me!

Of course it's about when you "let" him have sex, but why is that upsetting him? You need to want it and if you don't want it then obviously you're not letting him. That's how consent works 🤷‍♀️
Nothing puts me off sex more than a man moaning about not getting it enough. However if you do want sex too then you need to start initating it yourself so it doesn't seem one sided I suppose. If it's not enough for him then tough shit.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/08/2019 14:08

Did he use those words, OP? That being distant sexually means that he feels emotionally distant?

Because, why? He can still hug you, hold your hand, rub your back, be 'emotionally close' without sex having to be on the agenda. So many men mistake 'having sex' for 'being emotionally close' when they are poles apart and completely separate things.

Original poster
Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/08/2019 14:57

Thanks everyone. I was shocked by this as I thought we had been being intimate. I do feel he's being a bit selfish. It has been all about him and how I'm not doing enough.

I'm not normally this passive in making the moves but atm I'm just too tired to.

We've talked it out and he's apologised. I'm still not sure he gets it but at least he's aware he upset me.

OP posts:
MeanMrMustardSeed · 02/08/2019 15:00

Unbelievable. This pressure to have sex is not normal - let alone 7 weeks after giving birth.

OrangeSlices998 · 02/08/2019 15:12

What an arse. You don't owe him sex! Affection and intimacy can come in many forms, not just sex - but also, you may feel touched out and not want sex/cuddles just now. I repeat - YOU DO NOT OWE HIM SEX!

Christ. If you don't want it, don't do it, and tell him to fuck off if he makes you feel even an iota of guilt like you're letting him down. I'd tell him men who whine about not getting their rocks are very unsexy! Bloody hell.