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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sexual stalemate

42 replies

Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/08/2019 12:12

AIBU to have asked my DH to initiate and prioritise sex while I can't?

I'm 7 weeks pp. We've dtd a couple of times since about week 5, which I thought was pretty good going considering we have a 2yo and a newborn.

DH has said he feels distant from me sexually and therefore emotionally. He feels I've turned him down a lot. I didn't realise I had but when he mentioned it asked him to make any advances overt because sex isn't top of my priorities and everything's a bit of a sleep deprived haze atm.

DH is incredibly helpful, trying to ensure I get sleep by staying up with the newborn so I can get a stretch of solid sleep. Which means we don't go to bed together.

So the only other time I could see an opportunity to dtd is in the morning when the toddler wakes up at 5 and I might have a respite from feeding the newborn from 2-4am, which doesn't really put me in the mood and I would rather doze if I can.

He's been on annual leave this week and I think he was hoping to use afternoon nap time to dtd and is disappointed it hasn't happened. But 1) it's rare that the newborn also naps 2) we have lunch together 3) DH has fallen asleep after lunch more often than not.

I honestly don't know what his side would be. He wants sex but doesn't want to initiate it because of rejection. I've told him I won't reject him, I honestly have been put right off by all this and I know it isn't romantic to say "I don't really want to (It's not that I don't want to, just if it was an 'would you rather' it would be my second choice.) but go ahead if you can find the time".

So AIBU? Sorry it's long! I just have no one to talk to and I can't see any way forward and I'm a bit upset that 2/3 times in as many weeks 7 weeks pp hasn't been enough tbh.

OP posts:

SignedUpJust4This · 02/08/2019 15:16

This is fucked up. Arsehole

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/08/2019 15:25

If he thinks the only way to be close and intimate is to have sex then he should spend his annual leave reading up about pp sex and the definition of intimacy.

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2019 15:26

Where on earth do you find these selfish, self-absorbed, excuses for men?

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2019 15:33

He's not just upset you lovely

He's upset several hundred other women on here

My dh is gobsmacked, and is assuming a long line of Mumsnetters making their way round yours shortly, to read him the riot act ( punch him in the gob)

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 15:37

It's not like I'm not feeling the urges but I'm normally either alone or in the middle of family life. I don't see when we have time.

If you are feeling it, then ...

... how would you feel about waking him from point 3) & initiating?

Obviously his week's leave is almost over, but this could be an agreeable pattern for weekends - if you both feel like it.

Also - it's kinda heartening that you are taking time to discuss this instead of stewing until resentment builds on either/both sides. It's nice that he's reaching out for not just sex but the emotional connection that goes with it. Hope you work it out OP & congratulations on your new baby x

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 15:43

But he hasn't pressured, has he? He has simply said how he is feeling, & the OP is taking that on board while they work out how to accommodate what's best for both of them.

Compare & contrast with countless threads screaming LTB! if the man has e.g. the temerity to have a lower sex drive than his partner.

OP - as you've been through this together before with previous babies, he is 'getting' that this is a hiatus while your body adjusts back to being your own again, doesn't he?
Are you getting plenty of non-sexual physical intimacy?
Hugs & quiet times just holding hands etc are also important & time needs to be found for keeping that emotional connection too.

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/08/2019 15:44

I see the usual Man haters are here.
We want honesty from our DH but only when they say the things we want to hear.
As it is he is not forcing you to have sex, all he saying is that you initiate it, as it will save him being rejected if he does ( I assume he will be happy to comply if you do).
I am not to sure what is wrong with this.

noideasforaname · 02/08/2019 15:48

Bloody hell! I didn't have sex till 17 months after I had my first - I was breastfeeding and the hormones made it too painful for me to have sex.

Your DH is bloody lucky you don't have that problem.

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 15:49

Nice calm reasonable post @Cheeseandwin5.
Couldn't agree more.
The fact that he's taking shifts of staying up with the baby so OP can sleep is telling - as is the OP's own descriptor of him as "incredibly helpful" - & what I took from her initial post is that his request is far more about avoiding feeling rejected (or making clumsy unwanted advances) than a concrete demand for more sex.

I can't see where the DH has demanded at all. He has made a suggestion that puts the ball in his wife's court - meaning she doesn't have to feel hounded, & he doesn't have to feel like a presumptuous oaf.

Justaboy · 03/08/2019 00:31

I think some men perhaps quite a lot of men don't understand their woman at that time of their lives, least none of the ones I know have much idea they seem to belive sex can be tuned on and off just like a tap;(

But, who educates them re such matters?.

StarlightLady · 03/08/2019 05:51

What matrers who initiates it?

Just tell him tonget his head down there! It’s soothing.

Blossom28 · 03/08/2019 06:00

I’m 6 months ago pp and haven’t dtd yet - dd is sleeping in bed with us, and frankly I would rather sleep given the opportunity anyway. Dh hasn’t even mentioned it, he realises how tiring and consuming bf and caring for a baby is- your dh is acting selfishly.

user1480880826 · 03/08/2019 06:04

Your husband sounds extremely selfish. How can he think you would be remotely interested in sex after just giving birth and being awake all night feeding a baby?! I’m amazed you haven’t told him to sod off.

I got my husband to read this after I had a baby and totally lost all interest in sex. It is the perfect summary of how I felt:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/apr/12/sex-after-pregnancy-meaghan-oconnell-now-we-have-everything-extract?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

feelingverylazytoday · 03/08/2019 06:07

Firstly the advice is not to have sex before the 6 week check up
I think it's the other way round actually, or at least it used to be.
Anyway, the OP wants to have sex but it seems to be a communication problem between the two of them.

SimplySteveRedux · 03/08/2019 06:31

DH has said he feels distant from me sexually

Scared of rejection? He's just watched you push a living child out your foof ffs. If you reject him, he needs to grow up and realise things aren't going to be sunshine and roses at first sexually! You've just had one child, you don't need a man child too!

Original poster

Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/08/2019 17:05

I hadn't realised there were more replies this morning.

@user1480880826 Thank you so much for that article. I relate so much and I do want to want him, I even go as far as realising my sexual desire isn't dead but my desire to have sex has definitely taken a step down for now.

As to others who have said DH is doing the right thing by talking about it I do think he is trying. There is just also some passive aggressive behaviour that has gone along with this as well.

After our talk yesterday we've kind of left it. I'd love for him to read that article but it'd be reopening a conversation we've laid to rest.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 03/08/2019 17:59

Yuck. He really sounds like he thinks he's entitled to use your body for sex regardless of your wishes.

I didn't want a shag at all for 3 months after giving birth. I was sore and tired and if I had time I wanted to sleep. As I healed and got more sleep then things went back to normal.

If my dp had pressured me to shag him while I wasn't physically healed or mentally ready I think we would have split up.

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