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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DH from the kitchen

36 replies

Beekaye · 02/08/2019 10:44

DH has struggled with his weight for years, he'll go on diets, loose some, then put it back on not long after. He's been going to gym a lot and exercising more which has been helping however his diet hasn't really improved much. He's been making sure we eat healthier meals but he's always snacking during the day, he's got some healthier options but they're rarely touched. Instead he goes out and buys not so healthy snacks and eats mine. It's frustrating because he gets annoyed if I suggest something we could eat for dinner that apparently isn't healthy enough, he complains when he isn't loosing weight and I talk to him about what he's eating during the day, he says he'll change that but he never does. I've resorted to hiding any treats I've bought for myself and DS but he either finds them or buys himself even more. I just thought he'd have at least some self control but instead I'm hiding food from him. Do I just let him do his own thing? I don't think there is anything I can do to help him really

OP posts:

Original poster

Beekaye · 02/08/2019 11:00

Bump

OP posts:

yikesanotherbooboo · 02/08/2019 11:36

Personally I think that he won't lose weight until he properly takes responsibility and decides to. It is reasonable not to have boxes of Maltesers lying about and to choose meals that are healthy, go for walks together etc but actively hiding your snacks and being blamed for him eating too much isn't right and he is an adult and shouldn't need you to set rules for him.

Original poster

Beekaye · 02/08/2019 11:57

See he seems determined to stick to it when we speak about it but that changes when it comes to actually doing it

OP posts:

titsmcgeeisonholiday · 02/08/2019 12:04

Losing weight is hard and often psychologically complex. DH is a healthy weight and has had a lifelong positive / neutral relationship with food and eating. I am not and have not. I'd be humiliated beyond belief if he attempted to 'ban' me from the kitchen.

Original poster

Beekaye · 02/08/2019 12:07

Just to be clear I wouldn't actually ban him from the kitchen, I understand it isn't easy. The title was more to show that it's frustrating and I'm not sure how I can help him

OP posts:

BillywilliamV · 02/08/2019 12:21

Just don’t have unhealthy food at home.

Howdidido · 02/08/2019 12:29

He needs to become aware of what he is actually eating. So keeping a food diary that has everything on it.
Or use an ap like MyFitnessPal. He doesn't need to show it to anyone except himself. We are often not aware of how all the little things add up and he probably thinks it just a tiny snack, what's the harm.
You could for a few weeks not have unhealthy snacks at home but it's not a permanent solution. There's 3 of you, and 2 of you seem to be ok with controlling what you eat.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 12:52

You could support him by just not buying shit.
There's no harm in you and DC snacking on healthier things, even if it's just until DH gets used to it.

There are healthy meals you can cook that are really enjoyable, too.

NaviSprite · 02/08/2019 13:17

I’m sorry but I’m not of the opinion that OP should miss out on treating herself/DS to a few bits just because her DH can’t control himself and what he eats.

My DH is one of those annoying sods who can eat what they want and never put weight on. I am not so metabolically gifted. I am now approaching my target weight loss two years after having my twins, I was heavy before the pregnancy and got uncomfortably big during the pregnancy.

I have had my good and bad days with eating, but I’m not a strict dieter - I want a weight loss that is sustainable and not born out of shaming myself for enjoying a bit of chocolate every now and again.

I wouldn’t ever dream of telling DH that he can’t have his treats and he doesn’t comment on me having mine. I’d never pinch his either! He knows I’m putting in a lot of effort and it’s paying off slowly but surely.

OP how often does your DH blame you for his own weight gain? Do you pressure him to lose the weight or is it something he has done for himself? I only ask if you have contributed to his feeling as though he needs to do it (not suggesting you are a controller or anything!).

I had an ex who did this to me a lot (he was an absolute shitbag mind you, not saying your DH is in any way comparable) he got himself into a very ‘lord of the Manor’ mentality after we’d moved into our home (after three years of playing the perfect gentleman) I cooked, cleaned, did laundry etc.

Because I was the only one who WOULD cook he blamed my ‘unhealthy’ food for his ever expanding waistline. Of course it had nothing to do with the beer, sedentary lifestyle or constant snacking 🙄

Fromage · 02/08/2019 13:21

Ask him what you can do to help him, and do that.

BarbedBloom · 02/08/2019 13:29

The problem is that only he can make this decision and stick to it. You could refuse to buy anything nice but he could just go to the shop and then you are missing out for nothing. I would get him to take over meal planning

firstimemamma · 02/08/2019 13:32

If unhealthy snacking is the key problem, I don't see how banning him from the kitchen will help. He'd probably just have snacks in other rooms of the house instead.

trinity0097 · 02/08/2019 13:32

Try a ‘diet’ where he won’t feel hungry, eg keto/low carb high fat. Only one that worked for long term and kept weight off as I don’t get that hunger you normally get in diets

Pipandmum · 02/08/2019 13:37

The my fitness pal app is a good suggestion - many dieticians tell people who are trying to lose weight to keep a food diary and this app takes a lot of the guess work out as it lists most foods by brand. If he did that fit a week he’d see just how much he’s eating.
But there isn’t much more that you can do that you aren’t already doing. He’s a grown man and only he can decide what he puts in his mouth.

ohcanada · 02/08/2019 13:42

I think in solidarity, you should avoid the snacks too, don't even put them in the house. Could you put a bit of effort into making healthy snacks for him, making sure they are around? E.g. carrot and hummus or fruit ready chopped up? I find that the effort of actually chopping stuff up, or getting a plate out can put you off when there's something in a packet to hand.

Agree with MFP, apart from tracking just how much 'damage' you are doing, it keeps you in check as you become aware of everything that goes into your mouth. Having a low-ish calorie limit also trains you to think 'if I have that extra slice of bread, I'll be over my limit' or 'I dont have any calories left today for this' or 'I'll skip that chocolate bar so I can have an extra portion of xyz at dinner' etc.. Also shows you just how calorific unhealthy snacks are!! Today I had a really filling salad for lunch and it was less calorific than the kinder bueno I had with my coffee!!!

Original poster

Beekaye · 02/08/2019 14:35

It was his decision to start loosing weight, something we were doing together for a while but I'm currently pregnant and whilst I make sure I still have a decent diet I'm not too concerned about it at the moment and so I like to have some treats around for when I feel like it. He started dieting again in the past few months and it's a bit different this time as we do usually do it together

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 14:38

If you're pregnant completely ignore my previous comment and buy all the snacks you want and leave him to it!

HollowTalk · 02/08/2019 14:39

I would stick to a healthy diet with him - if you want a treat, buy it and eat it while he's not there.

M0RVEN · 02/08/2019 14:46

You can’t help him at all and you need to stay out of it completely. Do NOT get drawn into his manipulations and dramas

Don’t research diets, don’t buy books, don’t talk to him about it, don’t ban him from the kitchen, don’t lecture him about eating snacks, dont count calories or weigh food or measure sins or buy milkshakes or diet products and don’t mention his weight or his food AT ALL.

He’s 100% responsible for what he puts in his own mouth. If he’s not happy with what you make then he needs to take responsibility for the shopping and cooking.

TwistyTop · 02/08/2019 14:47

Hiding treats for yourself isn't enough. You need to do the diet with him. I know it's annoying because you don't need to lose weight, but it will honestly help. It will be worth it when he actually starts to lose weight and you don't have to listen to him complain anymore.

TwistyTop · 02/08/2019 14:48

Ah... Just seen that you're pregnant. I understand your frustration. I am also pregnant and my DH has been determined to lose weight before the baby comes. An admirable goal but it's hard to be supportive of a diet when you are pregnant! I guess you just need to hide the treats in a really, really good hiding spot...

Pineapplefish · 02/08/2019 14:55

OP, it's very hard for someone who has a healthy relationship with food to understand someone who doesn't. My DH is slim while I am overweight (BMI around 28). I would love to lose a stone or two and I try so hard, I really do, I've tried lots of different diets over the years and they work for a while but then I fall off the wagon because the reasons why I overeat are deeply ingrained from childhood.. he seems determined to stick to it when we speak about it but that changes when it comes to actually doing it - yes that is it in a nutshell! DH says things to me like "why don't you just eat less?" and "are you sure you should be eating that?" - he just doesn't get what a complex thing it is for me.

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 15:01

Do I just let him do his own thing?

Yup.

He's a grown man. If he wants to eat crap & not lose weight that's his perogative. But he doesn't get to moan on about your food choices, or nick your treats.

Let go of feeling responsible for him. It's very liberating :)

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 15:03

I am not so metabolically gifted.

Just wanted to thank you for that priceless little gem, @NaviSprite! x

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 15:13

Hiding treats for yourself isn't enough. You need to do the diet with him

Apologies, @TwistyTop - I couldnt disagree more.
How is it the OP's responsibility?
How many men go on a 'solidarity' diet to support their partner?
Why are women expected to take charge of another adult's choices?

Far as I can see, OP's DH refuses to make any concrete, permanent changes, yet still reserves the right to bitch at his wife about it to the point she is posting on a forum asking how much more she can do to make it better for him ...

Truth is, OP cannot do one single thing.
It is up to DH - he has to actually want to do it.
I'd be sick of it - either do it, & shut up, or don't do it, & shut up.
btw, I am overweight & have NEVER expected anybody else to take responsibility for my diet. But then again, I'm not a whinging manbaby who needs food to be hidden from him in case he can't take ownership of his own choices.

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