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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner says he doesn’t want anymore kids.

38 replies

LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 08:37

DP has a child already to an ex and we have a 8 month old.

My 8 month old was a crying baby for 5-8 hours a day for the first 16 weeks until CMPA was diagnosed and even though it was so hard I still loved every minute of it.

LO is growing great and very advance and I’m due to go back to work soon. Still BF and no sign of a period yet but I’m craving another baby something awful. I keep seeing all these babies and their firsts and want to see my own go through that again. Plus I’d love them to be close in age cause me and my siblings have a fantastic bond.

Partners not wanting more children and isn’t about to change his mind. Will the cravings pass?
Anyway I got annoyed and told him if he’s certain he needs to get a vasectomy so I know it’s totally off the cards and don’t keep my hopes up (which in hindsight was BU)

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 02/08/2019 08:40

YANBU to have your feelings. It is really tough when there is a mismatch in desire for more children. His view might change, as might yours, if you are able to.keep talking about it all and try to be kind to each other. Easier to say in the abstract than do in real life though!

Venger · 02/08/2019 08:45

You need to discuss it properly when you're both calm so that you can each put your side. Why is it he doesn't want more - is it because he already has two or is it because your 8mo was hard work in those initial weeks and he doesn't want to risk that again or is there another reason? Either way he isnt wrong to feel how he feels just as you're not wrong to feel how you feel, however there is no compromise to be had here as you can't meet in the middle and have half a child, one of you will need to settle for living by the decision of the other.

Your choices boil down to talking him into having a child he doesn't particularly want and hoping he's fine about that, tricking him into having another child by "forgetting" your pill (not saying to do this!) and hoping your relationship and conscience can withstand it, abiding by his decision of no more DC and making your pece with it so you don't end up resenting him in years to come, or leaving him and finding someone who does want more children.

YANBU to feel disappointed and it's a difficult position to be in.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 08:46

You still have a baby. Enjoy the one you have for now, maybe once he’s grown a bit DP might reconsider but don’t miss out on the baby you have growing up due to wanting one that isn’t here!

ShatnersWig · 02/08/2019 08:47

Have you apologised to him for the vasectomy comment now you see in hindsight that was unreasonable? Because I bet if the shoe was on the other foot and he'd told you you should get sterilised, you'd not have been at all happy and would have expected him to apologise once you'd come down off the walls.

Original poster
LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 08:53

@Venger yeah I’m not interested in tricking him into another, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. He’s never wanted children and his first he was only 16. He’s 28 and thought he was over the hurdle when I fell pregnant. It’s totally reasonable that he doesn’t want anymore. He works long hours and is annoyed he can’t spend more time with DD and DSS so I think he just wants to enjoy what he has while he can and not be spread thinner. I just wish I could turn off wanting more myself

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 02/08/2019 08:55

I don’t think the vasectomy comment was unreasonable. If he’s adamant he doesn’t want more kids then absolutely he should be the one to handle long term contraception.

I think you need to have a reasonable and calm discussion with him OP.

Original poster
LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 08:59

@ShatnersWig I did apologise, we’ve only spoke about it twice cause between work and the LO’s we tend to just enjoy each other company but I dunno how the clash in opinion is going to pan out

OP posts:
NoSauce · 02/08/2019 09:02

Why on earth should he have a vasectomy just because he doesn’t want anymore dc?

JacquesHammer · 02/08/2019 09:07

Why on earth should he have a vasectomy just because he doesn’t want anymore dc?

His choice, he deals with it.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 09:11

So women who don’t want anymore children should be sterilised?

Bit extreme don’t you think?

Isatis · 02/08/2019 09:12

It seems a pity that you're craving another baby's firsts when your own has so many big firsts still to go through.

JacquesHammer · 02/08/2019 09:13

So women who don’t want anymore children should be sterilised?

If that’s the best method. They’ve got other long term methods they can consider.

Man has vasectomy, condoms, abstain or expect the woman to handle it.

ShatnersWig · 02/08/2019 09:14

Jacques He could equally decide to use condoms. Or not have sex. The point is it's a discussion between two adults about what contraception method suits THEM. One partner doesn't get annoyed and tell the other they should have a surgical procedure. It's their body, their choice, and a man who told a woman to get her tubes tied would be considered a tosser.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 09:17

Having a vasectomy or being sterilised is for the person it relates to to decide.

Nobody else.

JacquesHammer · 02/08/2019 09:17

He could equally decide to use condoms. Or not have sex

Quite. Thank goodness I mentioned that, eh?

The point is it's a discussion between two adults about what contraception method suits THEM

Indeed and what often suits THEM is for the man to abdicate contraception responsibilities to the woman because she can go on the pill.

JacquesHammer · 02/08/2019 09:18

Apologies for the derail OP - I think you’re in no way unreasonable.

Have a chat to him. Enjoy your baby.

ShatnersWig · 02/08/2019 09:23

Jacques You can clearly see from the timing of my message that I was writing yours while you were writing yours. Cross post. Typically snippy unnecessary response from you, though.

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 02/08/2019 09:26

You've still got a baby, enjoy the time now, you've got lots of firsts to come. He might change his mind in a year or two.

Original poster
LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 10:21

Aww I’m enjoying every minute with my LO, she’s perfect. Doesn’t stop me wanting to expand my family though even if she’d only be 18 months if I had one now. My partner also didn’t take offence about the vasectomy he actually thinks it’s a good idea 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 10:22

I’ll point out he wanted the procedure done before he met me and was in the armed forces but was turned down on their healthcare for being too young.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 02/08/2019 10:25

Well that's a fairly hefty drip feed

Original poster
LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 10:27

Yeah he’s not mentioned it since my pregnancy but I know it had been a thought in the past

OP posts:
NoSauce · 02/08/2019 10:28

So many women I read about on MN wanting another baby when they already have one is mind boggling.

Take your time and live for now. Enjoy your young baby, it will pass in the blink of an eye. Maybe when things are less stressful he will reflect and possibly think again about having another baby. But keep going on and on at him will definitely make him feel the opposite.

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2019 10:30

If he never wanted kids how did he end up with two?

ShatnersWig · 02/08/2019 10:32

Yes, I wondered about that two pinky. I've never wanted kids, I'm 45, haven't had a vasectomy and managed not to produce any (and I'm very happy to use condoms, before someone suggests I make partners use the pill)