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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner says he doesn’t want anymore kids.

38 replies

LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 08:37

DP has a child already to an ex and we have a 8 month old.

My 8 month old was a crying baby for 5-8 hours a day for the first 16 weeks until CMPA was diagnosed and even though it was so hard I still loved every minute of it.

LO is growing great and very advance and I’m due to go back to work soon. Still BF and no sign of a period yet but I’m craving another baby something awful. I keep seeing all these babies and their firsts and want to see my own go through that again. Plus I’d love them to be close in age cause me and my siblings have a fantastic bond.

Partners not wanting more children and isn’t about to change his mind. Will the cravings pass?
Anyway I got annoyed and told him if he’s certain he needs to get a vasectomy so I know it’s totally off the cards and don’t keep my hopes up (which in hindsight was BU)

OP posts:

Liverbird77 · 02/08/2019 10:34

I really feel for you.
Our baby is seven months and we are now trying for number two. I get the need you are talking about and the desire to provide a sibling. Personally, I think it is better to get the sleepless nights, constant sterilizing etc out of the way in a shorter period.
Unfortunately, I can't see a way through your dilemma. If he doesn't want another and you do, your only option would be to leave. If you do that, however, you have no guarantee of finding another partner who wants a child, or who just wants one more.
It's a difficult one. All I can say is that I hope he changes his mind

Original poster

LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 10:47

He was 16 with his first and wasn’t exactly condom conscious. I was told I couldn’t have any kids after a few years in fertility treatments with an ex so we didn’t really feel the need for protection of course drs can be wrong though, I know that now.

@Liverbird77 I really do hope he changes his mind, I don’t want to leave as I love him so I’d do without a sibling if needed!

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2019 11:06

16 yr olds know what condoms are ffs. And you both just happily had unprotected sex not thinking a pregnancy might occur? Have you both not heard of Sti's? Sounds like you're both irresponsible, probably for the best he gets the snip and you enjoy the baby you have.

Original poster

LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 11:16

@pinkyredrose I’m not saying they don’t I’m saying he was young and didn’t think any better of it. He owns up to the fact he should have known better. Loves his kids regardless.

I went though 4 years of checks and was advised I wouldn’t be able to conceive, he was regularly checked for STI’s after tours with the armed forces and we were in a trusting relationship so no there was no worry of sexual infections and pregnancy wasn’t at the forefront of our minds. In fact it took 2 years of unprotected sex with zero scares before the BFP.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2019 11:20

Ok well maybe he'll change his mind and want another baby.

StrumpersPlunkett · 02/08/2019 11:27

Dh was adamant that we were not having baby 3. I was so broody and needed another baby (felt like much more intense than wanting).
We had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and he was so relieved I suggested a vasectomy.
So no more heartache.
He did and it has been the perfect solution for us.

Original poster

LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 11:32

@StrumpersPlunkett I do think I get what you mean cause it’s an all round body itch I’ve got for another. I just can’t scratch it.

Can’t begin to imagine the heartache of your loss, such a fragile thing, really glad it’s been the right decision for you both though! It’s a tough call

OP posts:

Sevo7 · 02/08/2019 11:33

I do get the longing I have a much older dc and and 8 month old. Dp was adamant he didn’t want any more and also had a dc from a previous relationship. I honestly thought once I’d had one more baby the longing would go but if anything it’s worse. Dp took the decision to have a Vasectomy and although I know it’s the best decision for the children we already have it hasn’t taken away the longing and craving to be pregnant again and have a newborn. There’s a chance as your dc gets older and becomes more independent your partner may want another but he equally may not. As my dp said I could have another and the longing may still be there,what then? I know I’m not really offering advice but I do get how you feel.

TSSDNCOP · 02/08/2019 11:55

Husbands reasons sound totally plausible to me. So long as he’s the one dealing with condoms there’s no reason for him to have a vasectomy unless he chooses to.

Original poster

LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 12:10

@Sevo7 no your experience is totally helpful!
I think I’m craving another so badly is I miss the pregnancy (even though I had a really awful one) and the kicks and then the new baby smell 😍
But also there’s 13 years between my LO and her sibling, I don’t see them being super close and I loved growing with my siblings so don’t want her to miss out or feel lonely

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 12:13

@TSSDNCOP yeah the vasectomy was said in frustration from me, of course I wouldn’t push for it

OP posts:

Sevo7 · 02/08/2019 12:35

I will also add that I don’t know if previous infertility and then the ability to conceive is caught up in the desire to keep having children. With my older dc I suffered from 5 years of infertility,was on clomid and about to have ivf when he was conceived,me and my ex tried for a sibling but it never happened so when I met my current partner I told him I was highly unlikely to get pregnant and we also didn’t use contraception. When I got pregnant naturally with my 8 month old after less than a year it gave me a sense of normality if that makes sense and I feel very upset that now I’ve seemingly been given the ‘gift’ of fertility it’s been taken away again. I realise these are my feelings to deal with and I can’t just keep having babies because now I can but I think after years of thinking I couldn’t have children the urge just to get pregnant again is an incredibly strong one.

Original poster

LadyStigma · 02/08/2019 12:48

@Sevo7 ... that could be it, I felt so proud and amazed that my body was doing something I was told it couldn’t for 6 years and it cooked her up so good. I wasn’t overly invested in having kids before LO though but I’d came to terms with it not being a thing so maybe I’m just wanting that amazement again 👌🏻

OP posts:

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