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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner texting another woman

32 replies

Justme49 · 01/08/2019 15:48

Hi all. My partner has a female friend who he txts from time to time. She is married. They have been friends for a few years.

I feel uncomfortable with this ad she txts him with stupid stuff. He is a joiner and yesterday she's texting him where to find a switch in her house to turn something off. Surely she should be asking her husband this?

Up until recently, she didn't know I existed. He kept our relationship a secret. She knows about me now only coz I sent her a txt from his phone saying he is with me.

Am.i being unreasonable feeling uncomfortable about this? He has already cheated behind my back with someone else and I am having serious trust issues ad it is.

Thanks for reading xx

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 01/08/2019 15:51

I would be raging if you texted my friends from my phone. How long have you been together?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 01/08/2019 15:54

He has already cheated behind my back with someone else and I am having serious trust issues ad it is.

No trust = no relationship. Seriously, please haul your self respect up and get out of the relationship. It's not doing you any favours.

She knows about me now only coz I sent her a txt from his phone saying he is with me.

Again, self repect.

Nicknacky · 01/08/2019 15:55

Oh I did miss the line about him cheating on you. This relationship has be future, just end it.

peardrops1 · 01/08/2019 15:55

This sounds a bit dysfunctional, OP. It's normal and healthy to have friends of different genders. But it's not normal for him not to have mentioned you (how long have you been together?) and it's most certainly not normal to send messages from your partner's phone warning off his friend.

NCforthis2019 · 01/08/2019 16:07

ok - if he didn't have form for cheating then i would have said YWBU. but hes cheated and might do it again - so yanbu. You clearly don't trust him - why are you with him?

Wishihad · 01/08/2019 16:10

How long have you been together?

Wishihad · 01/08/2019 16:14

OP, just did a quick search to get some back ground.

He is a dick. He is making you miserable. Leave him. He wont make you happy.

b0bb1n · 01/08/2019 16:18

I agree with PP you should leave him. He's already cheated on you, and kept you secret from a woman he regularly texts (who, if she was just a friend in his eyes surely he would have no reason not to tell her), and she seems comfortable to ask him questions instead of her own husband. You deserve better.

CalmdownJanet · 01/08/2019 16:19

How long are you together? There is so much wrong here.

Seriously if he cheated already then a text about a switch is the least of your worries.

Dotty1970 · 01/08/2019 16:24

You texted he is with you, from his phone! ...... Cringe and wrong.
I have a male friend and we go through stages of texting each other loads then nothing for a bit, we just get on and have a laugh, my dh is not bothered at all and likes him too... I'd hate to have to end a friendship because of a jealous or controlling partner, i actually wouldn't do it

Andysbestadventure · 01/08/2019 16:31

How long have you been together, OP?

Skittlenommer · 01/08/2019 16:34

I’d say you were being an unreasonable bunny boiler until you said He has already cheated behind my back with someone else and I am having serious trust issues ad it is.!

There is no relationship here, time to call it a day! He clearly has no respect for you!

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 01/08/2019 16:45

I was going to say YABU until you said he has already cheated. Why the fuck are you with a man who already cheated on you? You need to get some self respect because he clearly doesn't respect you.

As far as having female friends, if you want a relationship that lasts the you'll have to unclench a bit there. I know if my partner said I couldn't text my male friends stupid shit, he'd be out the door and his bags would hit him on the back of the head shortly after.

Original poster
Justme49 · 01/08/2019 17:49

Sorry guys. Posted this quickly as I am.working. been together 3 years. I txt other woman as him saying "I am with Angela on holiday. How are you?" That way she knew I was in his life. I love him but I don't think I can continue my relationship with him anymore. It just hurts. I'm 52 and scared of being alone I guess...Thanks for your replys xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Justme49 · 01/08/2019 17:50

Ps I never have had a problem with his female pals until I found out about the affair with one of them.

OP posts:
Wishihad · 01/08/2019 17:54

Did he cheat on you with one of these friends?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/08/2019 17:57

Being alone is far far better than putting up with this kind of nonsense.

Value yourself - if you don't, no-one else will.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/08/2019 18:01

OP this relationship isn't going to work.

You understandably don't trust him, he's keeping you a secret and you shouldn't be pretending to be him and texting other people from his phone.

He cheated. You don't trust him. It won't work.

letsdolunch321 · 01/08/2019 18:18

This is really a sad situation.

Why are you bothering with him, every day you must be second guessing him.

Get rid of him then learn to love yourself.

peardrops1 · 01/08/2019 18:29

So sorry you're in this situation, OP. But I think the most basic rule of dating is that a partner should make you feel good about yourself. This man doesn't do that. I know being alone can feel scary, but you may find you are tougher than you think! And being alone is always better than being with someone who makes you feel shit. Good luck.

Original poster
Justme49 · 01/08/2019 18:30

Yes he did. I even tried to befriend her as I wanted to get to know his friends and all the while he was having sex with her behind my back.

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 01/08/2019 18:31

Why are you scared of being single?

I would be far more scared of being in a shit relationship like this with someone who shags around and has no respect for me.

Have you thought about having counselling?

Original poster
Justme49 · 01/08/2019 18:32

Last message was to wishihad thanks again all of you. I have some tough decisions to make xx

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 01/08/2019 18:33

She knows about me now only coz I sent her a txt from his phone saying he is with me.
If she is such a good friend, how come he didn't tell her about you?
If you are his long-term partner, how come he didn't excitedly fill her in about dating you/getting serious with you/moving in with you? Is it because he isn't as serious about you as you would wish?
If you are reduced to sending messages to this woman FROM HIS PHONE I would say the relationship has pretty much reached rock bottom already. Seriously - you don't want to be that woman snooping on her b/f's phone do you?

He has already cheated behind my back with someone else and I am having serious trust issues ad it is.
He doesn't tell his 'good friend' of many years about you, he has already cheated ... so sorry OP, he's just not as into you as you are into him.
Try to view it as a blessing in disguise. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Better to get out now & not have to be second guessing.

Step away from his phone, & from him.
Apologies if that sounds harsh - but don't trap yourself in a relationship where you cannot trust him & are constantly on the alert - that's a miserable existence. Save yourself for someone faithful who wants to see you happy. xx

IamtheOA · 01/08/2019 18:34

Dear God.....
He keeps you secret, and he's already cheated.

Let me guess- he didn't tell you he cheated, you found out by stealth?

OP- you're 52. Never mind the crap relationship you have with him, how about you start loving yourself a bit more?