AIBU to ask how to reconnect to my first born?

[BetweenTheMoon]

Long time user, name changed and using AIBU for traffic.

I recently had my second child. My first born is 3. Before it happened I worried I would never love the new baby the same as my first. Now they are here I am am really struggling with my relationship with my first.

The baby is so easy. A 3 year old obviously not so much. The extra juggling and lack of sleep has lowered my tolerance for a threenager and as a result I'm finding I feel really disconnected from my first born and I hate it.

I had PND when I had my first and have worked really hard to build a bond and I feel like it's all just gone out of the window. I feel so deeply sorry that I can't give her the attention she wants or have more patience with her.

Has anyone been through the same? How did you resolve it or will it just take time??

My friends and I all commented that we went through a similar experience when we had our second dcs.

I tried to find time ever day to actually spend some time with DS1, usually when ds2 was napping. We had some great trips out too - ds2 in the pram. We did every model village, petting farm, park etc we could find. I actually found it less tiring to go out for a few hours. Helped by the fact that ds2 was an easy baby, unlike his brother!

I went through a bad period, the lack of sleep just made me so impatient with the eldest. No real advice but it did get better again especially when the baby started to nap for longer periods, we would do one on one activities that she doesnt do with anyone else like baking which helped. And also tried to do bedtime every other night which was hard as coincided with cluster feeding. She did watch a lot of tv though for a few months

It's going to be fine. Maybe it'll take some time, maybe it won't.

Take every opportunity you can to spend one to one time with your three year old whenever your partner or whoever is looking after the baby. Or when the baby sleeps.

Get the older one involved as much as possible, or, if she's not interested in the baby, chat about other stuff. Feeding, pushing the pram etc, you can do all of it at the same time as making sure good things are happening for the older one.

I’ve never felt like this and honest couldn’t imagine it but try to get your 3year old involved in the baby’s care and make them feel like they’re a fantastic big brother/sister.

Thanks all. It's really reassuring to read others understand.

Luckily my first born is absolutely besotted with her brother. So much so she doesn't want 1 on 1 time with me she wants him there too. She loves helping and being involved. What I have just realised though is that actually the 1 on 1 time is important for me more than her as I need that reminder of the fun we can have together. It's so tricky at the moment though as I have a constant breast feeder who won't be put down (or take a bottle....) but I'll make it happen some way or other.

Thank you all.

What sling are you using for the baby @BetweenTheMoon? I found the close caboo comfiest, but I couldn't easily feed DS in it whereas I could feed easily in the Lillebaby carrier. I've seen a lot of women feeding in a Tula ring sling as well. If you haven't figured out sling feeding yet it's well worth it, being able to attach the baby and carry on doing other things is a game changer.

I actually stopped breast feeding my second after 3 months so I could leave them with my DH and spend more quality time with my first. I believe that was the right thing to do in my circumstances but not for everyone. I did same with subsequent children. I didn’t realise that dc1 was actually just a baby when dc2 arrived and I could have ruined it at that point.

Oh and I hated the idea of a sling and public feeding but good idea if you can .

Hmm @MRex maybe I could try a different sling..... I have one of the baby Bjorns and sling feed when out and about walking but he's a very big/long baby so I can't then sit or bend very easy with him. Would it be easier in other slings do you think??

@Debbiecurtbag so far he won't take a bottle so I'm a bit stuck. My first never took a bottle so we started trying much earlier this time but no luck so far.....

Oh dear good luck we have a bottle from birth which probably helped.

Totally know what you mean. I felt like the patience that I had went out of the window, and of course DD1s attention seeking behaviour peaked at the same time.

For me it was walking. We live in a hot country and it was summer so up and out every morning. Breakfast clothes on, baby in pram for her morning nap around nine thirty and DD1 on her balance bike (chicco one with a little basket on the handlebars). We would walk around the village for about two hours, stopping to buy things in shops with her little purse, putting the bread in her basket etc, stopping for a coffee and a juice. Those mornings were literally when DD1 learnt to talk fluidly, just chatting and sharing those little things made me feel a lot more connected to her, but as a small human not my baby anymore

My first child was 3 when her sibling was born, so this resonates so much!

Like you, I found the simple needs of a small baby so much easier to deal with than a difficult 3yo (and she’d never been an easygoing child!) and, to make matters worse, during the early days and weeks she didn’t want anything to do with me. So while DH was on paternity leave we kind of took a child each and got on with it. I was relieved.

I remember she used to insist that I “winded” her. She’s climb onto my lap and make disgusting throat noises while I rubbed her back. It absolutely turned my stomach and I hated it But I knew she needed to feel like I treated her the same as the baby, so I put up with it. I’m glad it was a short lived phase, though!

Try not to catastrophise. Just because you had issues with PND and bonding (as did I first time around) it doesn’t mean that your feelings are going to revert back. It’s all about survival at this stage. And as time goes on, you’ll realise that your “favourite child” will always be the one causing you less aggro at any one time

My second luckily slept for the first 5 months. Very prem baby and all she did was feed and sleep.

I made time for my 3 year old each day, we would have a picnic lunch on a rug on the carpet at home after nursery. Then play a game of Lego, play dough, or a video game together. It was only an hour, but each day it was his hour.

Id leave the baby in her carry cot unless she needed attention. But she normally slept in her carry cot next to us.

Hi OP.
I have a 3.5 year old and a 5 month old. We play loads of games while I’m sat feeding. We Are lifeguards/firefighters/police and I am back at base and set challenges for my daughter ie different toys need saving! She loves it and always gives her brother a staring role. To reconnect you don’t have to do anything exciting, they just love the interaction. Talking and listening are the most important things. Good luck!

I feel completely the same OP. I have an almost 2 year old who is hard work and a very easy newborn. No advice, but solidarity x

My second lived in a sling for the first three months which made life a bit easier.

I also started to realise I was expecting far too much from my eldest. Yes he seemed that much older but he was still so young and impulsive.

I kept to the eldest routine as much as possible and had quite a good routine going. Baby had to slot in. We went out pretty much every day despite being exhausted (and felt better being out) and made sure afternoons were structured as they were the worst parts of the day if we were inside.

I took help where it was offered. I made sure I saw friends, even tenuous ones, just for some solidarity. I made sure dh helped as well.

I also went to bed early most nights with baby and toddler to give me enough energy to scrap through the day.

No advice but solidarity. I felt exactly the same and was so unprepared for how I would miss/feel separated from my eldest. Some good advice about playing together when baby naps. But also please remember what an enormous gift you have given your first in having a sibling. My eldest is 6 and is also besotted with his sister. We’re 8 months in now and our relationship is just how it was, even though our time together is different.

I have a 5 year old and an 8 month old who has just started crawling, climbing and is generally into everything! I feel like I can't give my 5yo the attention she deserves as I'm constantly trying to keep the baby from doing something dangerous. All the thing she loves doing (baking, arts and crafts, jewellery making, complicated Lego projects with tiny bits) are virtually impossible to do unless baby is asleep. I feel like I'm constantly saying "not right now", "give me a few minutes" etc. and I'm not as patient with her as I should be because I'm still being woken up multiple times in the night so I'm completely shattered. Fortunately she does on her baby brother and doesn't seem to resent him at all. I feel very guilty though and really miss the one on one time with her.

I’ve got a similar gap and my second is now 4 months. I’ve flip flopped between feeling like one of them is being ignored at different times. At the newborn stage, I felt my toddler wasn’t getting enough of me and then I felt guilty from 6w to 3m that the baby was just being carted about in the sling after the toddler. I feel like I have a better balance at the moment but I should say my 3 year old is still going to nursery.

The best advice I can give is to sort out naps. My first only really slept on me and I’ve tried really hard with my second to get her to sleep in the cot. It has made a massive difference at this stage now she’s in a more solid routine as i can have quality time with the 3 year old while the baby is napping. Bath time/bedtime is also our special 1:1 time (for both children) even if it means bedtime takes an age.

Yes, I've no idea how you'd feed in a Bany Bjorn. I find the Lillebaby a lot more supportive and adjustable, though in fairness I got it when mine was older at 4 months, I loved feeding him while DH and I walked in the park, it's very unobtrusive with a cardigan on, then he'd nap straight away and we'd have hours of free time all in all. (No longer now he's bigger!) The Tula is soft but still the fixed carrier style so you can loosen and re-tighten eurgh the baby on your boob, so that gives you more options with a younger baby. Do you have a sling library? Or ask other mums if can try on theirs? I tried some on in John Lewis and just slung DS into feeding position to try it.

I attending a talk by a well regarded speaker of child development. She suggested that to improve a connection with a child that the bedtime routine is REALLY important. Every night go in and spend some time before your child goes to sleep and tell your child how much you love them
E.g.
I love you more than all the hairs on all the bears
I love you more than all the stars in the sky
I love you more than all the grains of sand on all the beaches
Etc
Change it up every night

I do this every night with my 3 yr old since having my second child. She loves it and comes up with her own version.

Attended

Also, the feeling that you're focusing on one child to the detriment of the other continues as they get older.

Mine are 15 and 12 now, but I still feel more emotionally attached to one than the other at times. It switches every fee days, so I just go with it. Doesn't actually do them at harm to have space to get on with things from time to time.

Like PP have said, you're not alone OP. My DS1 was 3.2 when DS2 was born (also a constant breastfeeder) and it was so hard in those early weeks. I stopped BF at 8 weeks and one of the reasons was so I could spend more time with DS1. That helped, along with the baby just getting older.

Just try and do as much as possible with your Dd, even if it's just reading stories while you're feeding the baby. And special outings for her on the weekends when your DH is around. DS1 has so many softplay/swimming/park/museum trips when DS2 was tiny! And the helping, I think it helps the older child feel included.

My DS' are 5 months and 3.7 now and it's hard work but fine from that side of things. You'll get there.