AIBU to ask how to reconnect to my first born?

[BetweenTheMoon]

Long time user, name changed and using AIBU for traffic.

I recently had my second child. My first born is 3. Before it happened I worried I would never love the new baby the same as my first. Now they are here I am am really struggling with my relationship with my first.

The baby is so easy. A 3 year old obviously not so much. The extra juggling and lack of sleep has lowered my tolerance for a threenager and as a result I'm finding I feel really disconnected from my first born and I hate it.

I had PND when I had my first and have worked really hard to build a bond and I feel like it's all just gone out of the window. I feel so deeply sorry that I can't give her the attention she wants or have more patience with her.

Has anyone been through the same? How did you resolve it or will it just take time??

Thank you all so much. I've spent the last two days putting baby in a sling as much as possible and doing more stuff with my 3 year old.

It's so reassuring to hear your stories too. I don't know why this isn't spoken about more... It seems pretty common.

I'd got stuck in a rut about it all and so your tips and advice have all been great. Thank you x

So common. Although my first was under 2 when second baby arrived. When together as a whole family we fell into the habit of newborn with mum and toddler with dad, so I didn’t get much time with DS1 for the first year while DS2 breast fed CONSTANTLY.
However, don’t sweat it. We now naturally fall into the opposite pairs as DH has more in common with DS1 and I have more in common with DS1 (we’re the geeks and they are the jocks )
This is the newborn phase, not a permanent state of being!!

BetweenTheMoon I was given one piece of advice before I had my second child and it really stuck with me.

It’s ok to love your children differently at different stages.

Obviously, you always LOVE them. But it’s easier to love a newborn than a stroppy 3 year old. Just like it’s easier to love a school aged child that can control their emotions more than a tantrumming toddler.

My kids are older now, 13 and 10, but I still remind myself of this. I love both of my children but I never beat myself up for finding one easier than the other. It all evens out over time. Now, cuddle that baby. And when that same baby keeps you up all night, think about that peacefully sleeping 3 year old and slip and observe her for a moment. They are ALL easier to love when asleep.

Love that @UnicornPug. Someone also said to me (or I read it somewhere) to remember that it's the behaviour you don't like and your child is more than just one behaviour in one moment.