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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Old Ex won’t leave us alone

45 replies

Notsure1978 · 31/07/2019 20:40

New to the forum

So, my DP is wonderful. I have a DD from a previous toxic relationship and he has been absolutely amazing with her. We all live together and all is well, have been together for 4 years now.
Problem is with his ex gf. She quite literally won’t leave us alone. He is very open and honest with me and is as frustrated as I am, she quite literally texts him about everything 🤷‍♀️
There was a large age difference when they were together, say 15 years. When me and DP got together the relationship had already been over for a year so I’m not the OW.
She will text him about car insurance, her job, her plans for the weekend, everything... it’s starting to grate a bit. I trust him, but he quite literally can’t tell her to go away.
He feels he has to reply and get dragged into an evening long conversation with his ex girlfriend from years go.
AIBU to say, just ignore or block the texts? I don’t want to be controlling, but it seems a bit weird to me.
Apart from this I can’t fault him. He is a dedicated partner and step father. Hence I don’t want to feel like a complete dick if I politely ask him to tell his ex to fuck off

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 31/07/2019 20:43

Does he see it as a problem? Maybe it doesn't bother him at all to get all those texts. If it does bother him all he has to do is politely ask her to stop or block her number.

TheRealShatParp · 31/07/2019 20:46

It’s not that odd that she texts him if he keeps responding.

Original poster
Notsure1978 · 31/07/2019 20:47

Yeah he does, but he quite literally ‘doesn’t want to be rude’ so keeps on replying. It just encourages more and more messages and causes real tension between us.

I just don’t know if I am being unreasonable. She’s an ex from nearly 5 years ago and needs to text him about every problem. It grates with me, and in a way I just wish she would leave us alone. I guess I just wanted reassurance that I’m not a controlling bitch!

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 31/07/2019 20:53

YANBU. It's a bit disrespectful of him, actually, to let this woman take up so much space, and it would absolutely not be unreasonable of you to ask, even demand, that he put some limits on it and delay and shorten his replies to her so that she looks for an easier target.

Original poster
Notsure1978 · 31/07/2019 20:53

I’m just struggling with it a bit. If I broke up with someone (she cheated on him) I wouldn’t then be Texting him on a daily basis 5 years down the line if I knew he was in s solid relationship and living with a partner.

OP posts:
steff13 · 31/07/2019 20:54

Maybe she sees him as a friend. My husband is my best friend. If we weren't together anymore I would find it difficult to turn off that part of our relationship, especially since we were friends before we got together.

lavenderbluedilly · 31/07/2019 20:54

He feels he has to reply and get dragged into an evening long conversation with his ex girlfriend from years go.

Only he can stop this, unfortunately. I had a similar issue with my DH when we first met, and ended up snapping, after quietly simmering for a few months. One night we were in bed and he was texting her, and I gave him an ultimatum. It was only then that he realised how inappropriate it was.

Snowfalling · 31/07/2019 20:55

He is being rude to you however, if he's spending so much time responding to her and getting drawn into her life.

You need to bring this up and let him know how much it bothers you. He is allowing this to become an issue between the two of you. She isn't just a friend is she? She is an emotional vampire who is eating into your evenings together.

He sounds like a people pleaser, he needs to put you first.

Original poster
Notsure1978 · 31/07/2019 20:57

@steff13 that’s the thing. He is genuinely an amazing guy and does see everyone as his friend and unfortunately a lot of people take advantage of that. I don’t in any way want to start telling him who he can or can’t speak to, but it’s starting to really annoy me.

OP posts:
slashlover · 31/07/2019 20:59

She quite literally won’t leave us alone. He is very open and honest with me and is as frustrated as I am, she quite literally texts him about everything

He can't be that frustrated if he wont tell her to get lost or block her. Maybe she sees him as a friend, maybe she's missing him but he is encouraging her behaviour.

Notmydalek · 31/07/2019 21:01

YANBU. You need to be assertive with DH here and he then needs to be assertive with her regarding texting. She needs to move on and not be trying to involve him in her decisions and he needs to stop enabling her to keep him in her life to this extent. It’s not appropriate and it’s unfair to you that he is spending time on her. You are not being controlling or at all unreasonable.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 31/07/2019 21:01

Why does he reply?

If he finds it really hard to ignore her then he needs to block her.

LookWhosInTheRejectBin · 31/07/2019 21:02

YANBU.

All he has to do is not respond to her anymore...simple as that really.

Original poster
Notsure1978 · 31/07/2019 21:06

Thanks all. Having being controlled in a horrible relationship that’s the last thing I want to impose on my current DP. He is honestly a lovely guy and he just feels he has to respond to quite literally everything. It’s super frustrating for me. I’ll have a chat with him tonight, but thank you all for the emotional back up and for not telling me I’m a crazy bitch 😂

OP posts:
TanyaChix · 31/07/2019 21:06

Get him to take longer and longer to reply to her each time. Sitting on his phone to her all night out of politeness is ridiculous. If I’m honest, it might show a bit of a lack of backbone. She’s an ex and he needs to be firm about what’s acceptable to him, not just tell you it’s annoying and do nothing about it. What’s he afraid of?!

VenusTiger · 31/07/2019 21:10

Put the fact she’s an ex out of the picture for a moment. Would you or DP be annoyed or feel harassed if a friend or colleague texted you so often and with inane questions? If the answer is yes, then you need to just ignore the texts entirely. If you don’t, she doesn’t see them as a problem and will continue.
Has your DP tried answering texts with “I don’t know”/“not interested”/“ask someone else” until she gets the picture?

Havaina · 31/07/2019 21:12

He needs to change his number. Have you asked him to?

(OP you’ve said ‘quite literally seven times! Sorry I had to say it).

slashlover · 31/07/2019 21:13

Having being controlled in a horrible relationship that’s the last thing I want to impose on my current DP.

You don't have to be controlling, just explain to him how it makes you feel that he's more focussed on his phone/her than on you and your DD. Maybe suggest a few nights per week where everyone puts their phone away and you have on family time, or phones away after a certain time for dinner/putting your DD to bed (depending on her age).

Chunkers · 31/07/2019 21:13

You don’t need to tell him who he can and can’t speak to, just tell him how this situation makes you feel and hopefully he will make that decision himself. Good luck, I really hope he puts you first.

angell84 · 31/07/2019 21:15

It is definitely a bit weird to be talking to an ex every day. I dont talk to any of my exes do you?
It is not just her texting him every day - he is encouraging it by replying. He could easily stop replying.
Yes you need to have a chat with him

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 31/07/2019 21:16

He must be getting something positive out of it too I think. Perhaps he likes his ego being massaged, or likes being wanted/needed. I wouldn't put up with that even if she wasn't an ex but was just a friend. I have a friend who is starting a new relationship and have advised him he needs to get rid of his emotional vampire.

PooWillyBumBum · 31/07/2019 21:28

I’m wondering if DP sees them as mates and is pretending he just goes along with it to appease the OP. If he keeps replying she’s hardly hounding him, rather having a two way conversation.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2019 21:32

It's ridiculous he won't block her. I'd be wondering what that's really all about. I think it's incredibly disrespectful to you and I wouldn't stand for it. The ex needs to GTFO.

Snowfalling · 31/07/2019 21:46

He's too emotionally engaged with her. On some level, he must enjoy it, it must be an ego boost at the very least to be needed by her.

This level of contact should only be reserved for one's partner. He is being disrespectful to you. If he doesn't put a stop to this, he is not a good man.

MadridGirl · 31/07/2019 21:52

I had this in a previous relationship. Pretending to be cool about something that really intruder on our relationship. It's really okay to be your own advocate.

Ask him to message her saying 'my partner would rather I didn't spend so much time on my phone, and this relationship is really important to me. I'm not going to be able to keep up this texting friendship. It's really not personal, it's just about where I am in my life and what I need to prioritise.' Then block.

If he won't do that for you without drama, there's something up. Either he's getting something out of it emotionally, or he's a bit spineless. Both need dealing with.

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