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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Old Ex won’t leave us alone

45 replies

Notsure1978 · 31/07/2019 20:40

New to the forum

So, my DP is wonderful. I have a DD from a previous toxic relationship and he has been absolutely amazing with her. We all live together and all is well, have been together for 4 years now.
Problem is with his ex gf. She quite literally won’t leave us alone. He is very open and honest with me and is as frustrated as I am, she quite literally texts him about everything 🤷‍♀️
There was a large age difference when they were together, say 15 years. When me and DP got together the relationship had already been over for a year so I’m not the OW.
She will text him about car insurance, her job, her plans for the weekend, everything... it’s starting to grate a bit. I trust him, but he quite literally can’t tell her to go away.
He feels he has to reply and get dragged into an evening long conversation with his ex girlfriend from years go.
AIBU to say, just ignore or block the texts? I don’t want to be controlling, but it seems a bit weird to me.
Apart from this I can’t fault him. He is a dedicated partner and step father. Hence I don’t want to feel like a complete dick if I politely ask him to tell his ex to fuck off

OP posts:

themmatricc · 31/07/2019 22:13

i think people should be able to text who they like when they like as often as they like and controlling partners ie you should not get involved

Popc0rn · 31/07/2019 22:25

So they've been broken up for five years and still regularly text each other? Do they ever meet up in person? Sounds very odd, think there's more to this story tbh, she's not forcing him to reply, he wants to.

You mentioned a 15 year age gap, how old is she now?

Original poster

Notsure1978 · 31/07/2019 22:48

No, they don’t meet up. It’s quite literally just ridiculous requests for advice and he gets annoyed as I do. She’s had a DP since my other half and he actually messaged us the other day asking if she’s bothering us also as he gets endless messages. There’s nothing more to it, quite literally her being totally over the top and very intense, and my DP not being able to tell her to go away. After your advice I’ll have a chat.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notsure1978 · 31/07/2019 22:50

He even gets me involved in replies, as in - what can I say to kind of tell her what she wants but get her to go away

OP posts:

Worrisomewart · 31/07/2019 22:54

There is literally no reason why he needs to respond to her and by doing it he is disrespecting you and your relationship. If there were kids involved it might be different as he'd need to communicate about them and it's sometimes easier to placate an ex with pleasantries when you have to share children with them.

If it comes to general lifestyle stuff, requests for help or chit chat then no. Being polite to her should be a lot less important to him than upsetting you!

Sorry but this would really bother me. I found out my dp's ex had tried to contact him after we'd been together a few months and it really annoyed me even though he never replied. If he'd kept a dialogue with her it would have done my head in. No need for it once you've broken up.

The 'were still friends' card wouldn't cut it for me either I'm afraid.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 31/07/2019 23:08

No way would this be acceptable to me.

Why is he even responding?

CheshireChat · 31/07/2019 23:28

Is he secretly flattered by the attention? Particularly as that might've been the dynamic in their relationship with him being older- he'd come to her rescue so to speak.

Don't mean he's interested in a relationship with her btw.

Perhaps point out that by prioritising not hurting her feelings, he's actually hurting yours.

LifeIsGoodish · 31/07/2019 23:29

he quite literally ‘doesn’t want to be rude’ so keeps on replying.

And instead is rude to you?

Sorry, but allowing your ex to control your time with your partner is rude.

He would not be being rude by spelling it out to her: "Jane, we are not a couple. We haven't been a couple for X years. Your car insurance/weekend plans etc are nothing to do with me." Rinse and repeat. Take longer and longer to answer her texts, being less and less engaged each time.

CheshireChat · 31/07/2019 23:36

All he has to do is just reply slowly and not that helpfully- so text back two days later 'not really sure, have you tried insert really obvious thing. She'll stoo hopefully

WolfInSlutsClothing · 31/07/2019 23:40

OP you’ve said ‘quite literally seven times! Sorry I had to say it).

9 times

Snowfalling · 31/07/2019 23:45

If she tells him something, he needs to respond with 'ok'. If she asks him a question, he needs to respond with 'not sure'. That's it.

TriciaH87 · 31/07/2019 23:52

It's not healthy for anyone involved. I suggest changing his number or sending a simple messaging saying look this has to stop its been 5 years move on. My partners ex was like this. She faked a miscarriage with the lad she was seeing after my partner to try get him to feel sorry for her n go back to her few months into our relationship. (think nut job) She also turnt up at his work taking him subways a lot asking if he could remember what was in the one they really liked on holiday. He put her straight in the end telling her it needed to stop or I had said I would report her for stalking him. She got the message

EileenAlanna · 31/07/2019 23:56

He should text "(name) our relationship ran its course & you need to move on with your life as I've done with mine. I won't be in contact with you going forward. Best wishes."

Raspberrytruffle · 31/07/2019 23:59

Get a new sim card , problem solved and if you bump in to her say you lost a load of numbers then give her his new number with 1 digit wrong

Chloemol · 01/08/2019 00:04

He has a choice, one he just texts her to say wish you well, stop contacting me then ignore texts/ block. Or he changes his number. simple as that

Isatis · 01/08/2019 00:29

If your partner wants to stop this gently, he needs to follow the advice above about delaying his replies and keeping them extremely short and non-committal. If she queries his change of approach in any way, he can point out that these things are really none of his business and she should be sharing it all with her current partner, not him.

Brain06626 · 01/08/2019 01:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HennyPennyHorror · 01/08/2019 02:16

YANBU. When I first met DH, his ex used to text him and call him quite regularly.....I was a bit one day and he immediately told her that he was now in a relationship and that they didn't need to keep in touch any longer.

They weren't friends....she was just needy.

Original poster

Notsure1978 · 01/08/2019 09:58

Haha, sorry about the ‘quite literally’s

Yeah I’ll have a chat with him. Rather than saying “please don’t answer her” I just need to honestly let him know how it’s making me feel. It doesn’t intrude on our time much but it is just inane questions. He has been responding with very brief answers and never strikes up a conversation, but then she’ll text the next day with another question.

Thanks all, I was after some reassurance that I’m not being completely unreasonable.

OP posts:

Scorpiovenus · 01/08/2019 10:34

I'm sorry but if that was me its she goes and new number or I go and I wouldn't allow this childish nonsense at all. He needs to man up and walk away, she will survive and some other dude will come along and fill that void she got. And no I don't mean the vagina. lol

Grown men don't need to baby sit weak females I'm sorry but they don't. The motives are not pure and its disrespectful to a relationship or marriage to act in such a way.

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