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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dislike my friend’s child

42 replies

Zazazube · 31/07/2019 16:50

I’ve NCd in case other threads out me to my friend.

She has 2 dcs. Eldest one is a delight. Youngest is, frankly, a spoilt brat.

I think it’s because she was quite poorly as an infant and toddler. Caught every cold and illness around so her parents, understandably, were extremely protective in every way.

However she has grown into a little monster at the age of 8. Throws tantrums if she doesn’t get her way and the only way she’ll stop is to give in to her.

It’s got to the point where I, and several other mums in our social group, have started to distance away from this family as her behaviour is upsetting to other children.

I feel terrible about it but I just don’t like this child and avoid having to spend time with her if I can possibly do so. I know I’m BU as she’s only a child and it’s not her fault that she’s not being taught good social skills by her parents.

Is our friendship doomed?

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 31/07/2019 16:54

YANBU

Other people's DC are usually fairly horrid Grin

Why does your friendship depend on liking her DD? I am absolutely sure my very close friends have no idea if I dislike their DC. Can you not see her without the DD? Go for drinks or cinema?

Madfrogs · 31/07/2019 16:56

Yanbu

I tolerate and love my children and tolerate good friends well behaved children. I don’t Even like other family members children.

FishCanFly · 31/07/2019 16:58

YANBU
If you want to keep your friendship, meet up as adults only.

Mrsjayy · 31/07/2019 17:00

Your friendship isn't doomed you are just going to have to shift to adult only nights out to the cinema /pub etc if it is just a friendship because of children then it will fizzle out but if you are friends then you should be able to be sustain it without kidsin tow!

Original poster
Zazazube · 31/07/2019 17:00

I’m not sure if the friendship could continue without her DC’s being part of our meet ups, at least for the foreseeable future. She is devoted to her children and barely lets them out of her sight other than school.

Of course I’ve never breathed a word about my dislike for her child but I’m pretty sure that her child has picked up on it at least - children often do sense these things don’t they. And I feel awful about it as I do recognise that I am the adult and should know better than dislike a child. Or at least try to make more effort with her. But I can’t help how I feel.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 31/07/2019 17:05

I had a lull in a friendship because of something similar the dc are now adults we are back in touch which is nice.

Snog · 31/07/2019 17:14

It's fine to suggest adult only meet ups, maybe your friend will enjoy them too.

Rainbowknickers · 31/07/2019 17:16

My dad once told me that ‘kids are like farts-your own you can put up with-other people’s are unbearable’
So bloody true
My mates kids are the most spoilt badly behaved bad mannered vile human beings ever
I used to either meet her without them or just suck it up (we’d been mates for many years before kids) and I used to eat the inside of my mouth over the way they behaved but at least I could walk away afterwards

Thehop · 31/07/2019 17:17

Avoid kid stuff.

Mrsjayy · 31/07/2019 17:20

Suggest an evening out for after school holidays see what she says

Loopytiles · 31/07/2019 17:21

YANBU to dislike a friend’s Dc.

YABU to speculate on MN about the reasons behind the DC’s behaviour, including your friend’s parenting.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 31/07/2019 17:23

Other people’s kids can be a massive pain in the arse.

I’ve met some little monsters in my time! DPs niece was one of the worst. Proper tantrums until about age 10, when suddenly over night she turned into a teenager who only cared about boys and her appearance and was a different kind of nightmare!

I have to say though, now at 18 she’s a perfectly nice young woman. So they can grow out of it eventually!

She was massively over indulged as a child and her behaviour was mainly her parents making. They were also completely bind to it and were forever making excuses for her.

OMGshefoundmeout · 31/07/2019 17:28

I very much dislike my BFs child. I’ve known her since she was 3 and she’s now nearly 30. She started off a bit bratty but bearable and has got gradually less and less likeable as she has aged. God knows how such a lovely woman has raised such a poisonous young person.

It was a little awkward when DC’s were younger and mine avoided her child but I managed to shrug it off by saying I preferred not to interfere with their friendship choices.

Atlasta · 31/07/2019 17:29

YANBU.
I had one friend who I came to really dislike as I really couldn't stand her ds who was one of my sons friends at the time. We don't talk now and neither do the DC.
I have a very close friend who has a DD the same age as my DD. While we are very close I keep meet ups as adult- only as much as I possibly can. I worry her dd's behaviour will rub off on mine.

MRex · 31/07/2019 17:41

Have you asked her about her DD's behaviour? Maybe she's aware of the problem but unsure what to do about it. I can't off the cuff think of a good way of asking her, but someone surely can. Maybe something like "How are the DCs? Y is so gentle. X seems a bit more challenging for you?"

ddl1 · 31/07/2019 17:42

YANBU not to like her. It would not, however, be fair to tell your friend how awful you find her child, or to criticize her parenting. (I would say by the way that I know a lot of people who were overprotected as children because of poor health - I was one- and while it can contribute to health anxiety and sometimes social anxiety, it doesn't usually lead to tantrum-throwing, unless something else is going on.)

I would try to keep meet-ups where possible as 'adult-only' and not combine them with playdates between the children. At the age of 8, they're reaching a stage where parent and child social events are not automatically assumed to be combined.

Wolfff · 31/07/2019 17:43

I sympathise. I absolutely loathed my niece who was a spoilt entitled little brat. Her mum, my sister absolutely adored my kids which made it worse. She is 18 now and has actually turned out to be a really nice well balanced young woman. Just grit your teeth for x amount of years or cool off the friendship for now.

Original poster
Zazazube · 31/07/2019 17:44

MRex

She genuinely appears to be oblivious and laughs off her tantrums as “cute”. Hmm

Also she still refers to her as “my baby” which makes me cringe.

OP posts:
sidsgranny · 31/07/2019 17:49

Am confused - you said your fried had 2 DCs and then at the end of the post said the child was an only child?

Original poster
Zazazube · 31/07/2019 17:51

sidsgranny

No I said that she’s only a child.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 31/07/2019 18:01

It sounds to me like your annoyance/dislike should be aimed more at your friend tbh. If she’s brushing off behaviours like that as cute then it’s no wonder the child continues. How are they meant to learn?

There might be other issues at play but if your friend is struggling then passing off annoying behaviours as anything else and expecting other people to play along instead of acknowledging it’s hard to be around is what actually gets up people’s noses. That’s on her not her dc.

I think you just need to recalibrate your reaction to the situation. At the very least you wouldn’t have to feel bad about disliking a child.

cuppycakey · 31/07/2019 18:02

Are you seriously saying she doesn't go out/socialise despite her youngest child being 8? Shock

LegionOfDoom · 31/07/2019 18:08

Uh my cousin does this. Her dd is 6 and a proper pain in the ass. They tried for years to fall pregnant and had her through ivf. They never say no to her. She punched my ds (4) in the face and then threw a toy at him, resulting in a black eye. My cousin said she was ‘tired’. Her standard excuse for everything. I lost the plot slightly. It was the latest in a long line of things her dd had done, that I’d let go. I just avoid her now. It’s a shame because we were really close growing up

MRex · 31/07/2019 18:16

Ok. You know what @Zazazube, you're going to lose this woman as a friend anyway, because you don't like the kid. So do her a favour and say "I'm worried about X because she's throwing age inappropriate tantrums. Although you love her dearly it is probably annoying for you too, it's hard on her big sister and I think it's time to start addressing it. I'm happy to support you with anything you need."

She possibly won't talk to you again, but she might start to take the message on board and that's important for both her and both her DC. As a friend, you owe her the sacrifice of her friendship.

EssentialHummus · 31/07/2019 18:20

I have a friend like this. Love her, love her DS, but her DD is horrendous and I’ve seen some poor parenting from her (but charitably that could be because we were together/she was trying to avoid things escalating). Adult only stuff now.