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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be offended??

43 replies

fiydwi · 31/07/2019 12:47

A mum friend of mine has had a few financial issues lately, she’s found herself unexpectedly short of cash.
I was thinking of getting her a supermarket voucher to help her out a bit.
She’s lovely, would never ask for help herself.

Would you be offended in this scenario? I want to help but don’t want to offend?

What would you do? xx

OP posts:
NCforthis2019 · 31/07/2019 12:49

Depends - how well do you know her? Is she the type that will be too proud to receive ‘perceived’ handouts? See - I wouldn’t mind if I was struggling but my mother would be deeply offended.

Jaffacakebeast · 31/07/2019 12:50

If you want to help and things are that bad just anonymously post some cash, takes away the embarrassment and she can spend it where it’s most needed

SallyWD · 31/07/2019 12:52

It really depends on her. I wouldn't be offended but I'd be embarrassed. I like the idea of anonymous cash but she might find it creepy or weird!

Ellapaella · 31/07/2019 14:00

Agree an anonymous voucher would be best. She's likely to be embarrassed rather than offended.

Ellapaella · 31/07/2019 14:00

Lovely thing for you to do breakfast

Ellapaella · 31/07/2019 14:01

By the way not breakfast! Sorry no idea how that little autocorrect came about Blush

Teaandcrisps · 31/07/2019 14:02

I think that's lovely and real friendship.

plantwhisperer · 31/07/2019 14:02

That's so lovely of you to do, I'd do the same if I was financially secure enough. I agree re posting it anonymously as you wouldn't want to embarrass her, just a little note saying you hope she's okay and hope this voucher helps. Thanks

bernietaupinspen · 31/07/2019 14:03

WTF Is a 'mum friend'?

I would help any of my friends out if they needed it, but 'mum friend' is casting doubt upon the kind of friendship you have 🤷‍♀️

EssentialHummus · 31/07/2019 14:03

I’m another one who would just put a voucher/cash in envelope through her door.

notacooldad · 31/07/2019 14:05

If you want to help and things are that bad just anonymously post some cash,
That is a dreadful idea.
I would be wondering whose money it was. Obviously I cant speak for the woman but I would put it one side waiting for someone to collect it assuming there had been a mistake. If there was a note saying it was for me I would think people were gossiping about me and saying I couldn't cope.

InsertFunnyUsername · 31/07/2019 14:07

If it was me anonymous cash/voucher would be worse tbh. I would then have to figure out who it is that knows im skint and feels sorry for me, and if i couldn't figure it out id be guessing everytime i spoke to someone.

I would however if i was struggling accept a voucher from my friend who says "i know you're struggling a bit and im not going to use this here ya go" or if you're not that close "I dont shop here it will only go to waste"

Jupiter13 · 31/07/2019 14:08

You can buy me a bag of shopping...I wouldn't be offended..😂

ElizaPancakes · 31/07/2019 14:08

I would be hideously embarrassed if someone did this for me. Not necessarily offended. Especially if I’d been having a moan about additional expenses for this month - it’s not clear from your post if this is a food bank situation or just short for the month situation.

pigsDOfly · 31/07/2019 14:14

Yes, anonymous cash posted through the door would freak most people out, I imagine.

Whose is it? Why has someone stuck it through my door?

I'd be imagining it was someone who had stolen it and needed to get rid of it quickly because the police or someone was on their tail and that they'd be knocking on my door wanting it back some time soon.

I certainly wouldn't think 'ooh some kind person has posted some money through my door and go off and spend it.

A voucher however, makes much more sense.

She might be embarrassed, it rather depends how well you know her and how hard up she is, but if she's struggling I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

Ponoka7 · 31/07/2019 14:26

I've been in her situation and I'd be embarrassed and consider it an invasion of boundaries.

If someone was close enough for me to accept money from, I'd consider them close enough to speak to me.

Jupiter13 · 31/07/2019 14:26

Pop round with some wine...she would really appreciate that.☺️

purplelass · 31/07/2019 14:30

Probably best to ask her direct - I know you're struggling, is there anything I can do?

edwinbear · 31/07/2019 14:31

I really wouldn't like it. If we were close enough for me to accept hand outs from you, then I'd feel comfortable asking you for help. Otherwise I'd be too ashamed to speak to you again.

DidntAskToBe · 31/07/2019 14:48

You need to find out more before you risk insulting her.
She might be short of disposable income, but may be able to access some savings or assets.

CalmdownJanet · 31/07/2019 14:53

No I would hate it! I would be mortified! But anonymously would make this so much worse for me, it would make me paranoid that everyone thought I was broke, it would drive me mad wondering who it was and how bad they thought my situation was. It would totally stop me opening up to anyone about my financial difficulties. I know you mean well but no, just no

gardenbats · 31/07/2019 15:01

I think anonymous is a terrible idea!!!

And whilst this is caring, I do think it is a bad idea. It will make her feel embarrassed and at worse offended.

I think this is something a relative could do but not a friend.

gardenbats · 31/07/2019 15:02

Also to add re: the voucher it makes it super awkward.

Say someone says 'let me pay for this' etc the person can politely refuse it they want to. By getting a voucher she'll know you're lumbered with it if she says no.

HaileySherman · 31/07/2019 15:03

If you're close enough to know her situation then i think you'd know if she was the type to be offended. I've found most people truly appreciate it, just do so low-key, obviously. If she says anything about not knowing how she'll pay you back or anything, just wave it off and say something to the effect that everyone needs help occasionally and you're happy to help. Tell her she can make it up by helping you out sometime in the future if she finds herself flush or whatever. I've done this MANY times for people, and only once had a young girl in tears saying she couldn't accept it etc. She did take it (it was only about $10 in change so she could call her mom while she was in rehab) but i was torn inside because i was almost afraid she thought i was looking to take advantage of her later (not knowing if that had been her experience before). Anyway, that got long and slightly off topic, but my vote is to go for it. She'll probably appreciate it more than you imagine.

ohcanada · 31/07/2019 15:06

Why not just a buy a load of treats and pop round to visit and say 'Look i know it's a bit tight, so when I was shopping I thought I'd just pick up some stuff I thought you'd like'.

e.g. nice pasta and sauce, a few pizzas, few ready made things she can pop in the oven, lovely bread, some shampoo, conditioner and body stuff, few bottles of wine, some dips n chips, nice chocolate and biscuits. Stuff you know she likes but that doesn't seem like 'food bank' stuff so it comes off like a treat rather than 'i feel sorry for you'.

Maybe invite her along with the kids to do something and pick up the bill?

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