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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - school mum slating my DD’s “behaviour” in a group chat?

38 replies

ClareIsland · 31/07/2019 11:26

Been told that another Mum has slated my DD’s behaviour in a group chat and that her DD will not go to an event if mine goes. I have asked my DD (13) what has gone on. She said that there had been some issues in their friendship group at school at the end of term - form teacher had investigated it and asked them to apologise to each other. School didn’t contact me. I am all for supporting my children to resolve conflict themselves but this one seems to have rumbled on and reached another level with parents. Do I need to approach the other parent to ask them to work together on resolving this directly rather than brandishing my DD with a reputation she doesn’t deserve?

OP posts:

YouJustDoYou · 31/07/2019 11:28

I used it get bitched about a lot when I was a teenager, (by other adults). Nothing my mum would've said would've changed their minds - but sometimes I wish someone, anyone, would've stood up for me.

Teddybear45 · 31/07/2019 11:33

If this were my child I would approach her in person (and in public) and ask what kind of gutless loser bitches about a child on a group chat rather than raise the issue directly with the parent. I would then make her raise her grieviences in public and blow them apart one by one. But I hate this kind of low behaviour.

Hairyheadphones · 31/07/2019 11:33

Do you know exactly what happened between them? The fact the mother doesn’t want them to socialise together makes it seem like the relationship is beyond repair and they need to develop different friendship groups.
However the mother feels about this she shouldn’t be bitching about your daughter publicly.

Original poster

ClareIsland · 31/07/2019 11:35

I am sorry to hear that You. It is really wrong for adults to do that - they should be looking at how to support all kids to constructively navigate stumbling blocks in friendships - not making it worse.

It is just this one Mum - the others have told me what she has said on the group chat and have not engaged with her.

OP posts:

bwydda · 31/07/2019 11:40

She should have talked to you first, but, You don't know what the other mum has been told.

There is a child in dds class who is a nasty horrible bully- his mother is confident he can do no wrong and defends any of his behaviour to the hilt. Even when faced with video evidence of his foul cruel behaviour. He's a scrote and if he's going to an event, my dd isn't, and I have been very frank with people as to why. I tried talking to the mum and found she's cut from the same cloth, I'm not afraid and not ashamed to tell other mothers why dd isn't going to x party. I won't let my child associate with bullies or be bullied.

Maybe there's another side to what happened between them that paints your dd in a different light?

snitzelvoncrumb · 31/07/2019 11:43

Just be careful with second hand information, unless you have actually seen it I would just leave it.

pamelat · 31/07/2019 11:49

I think that I would be upset but that it isn't THAT bad. Presumably she was chatting to trusted friends and didn't expect your not your daughter to find out.

I would though, gently take her aside and say that you are trying to get to the bottom of what has gone on at school, being late to finding out and that your own daughter is upset, and get her stance on it.

I found out from my 11 year old daughter that one of the mums had banned her friend from seeing her because she didn't like her. This woman's daughter had told mine that.

It's unpleasant but we aren't ever going to stop opinion and gossip.

Fortunately, my daughter wasn't too fussed. If she has been I would have had a gentle word.

Greeve · 31/07/2019 11:52

I'd be very concerned that something has happened between our kids (it happens), but she felt she couldn't come to me. I wouldn't mind if she felt she needed advice/support from her friends about the issue but I'd wonder why she felt me so unapproachable. Basically I'd take a long look in the mirror at whether or not I could change that.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 31/07/2019 11:53

Unless you ahve a screenshot (of the whole conversation) I'd be wary of shit stirrers

Yabbers · 31/07/2019 11:54

Just be careful with second hand information, unless you have actually seen it I would just leave it.

I agree with the first part, but not the second. Be aware that something is going on and you’ve not been told about it, but I would approach the mum and ask what the problem is. Not in a combative way, but to find out what’s been happening. Only then can you decide if your DD has been unfairly given a reputation.

Jellybeansincognito · 31/07/2019 12:00

Ask her directly what she thinks has gone on with the girls and why that is deserving of an adult taking it upon themselves to bitch about said child in a group chat?

It’s funny isn’t it really, she’s bitching about your daughter, yet she’s the adult and her behaviour doesn’t seem much better.

tigerlily111 · 31/07/2019 12:02

This is second hand information so, as others have said , it may not be accurate or taken out of context. One has to question why this supposed friend wanted to pass on this information to you. She sound like a stirrer
I would question your dd if you want more information.She is the one who knows firsthand what has gone on, not the other mother

Yabbers · 31/07/2019 12:03

I'd wonder why she felt me so unapproachable. Basically I'd take a long look in the mirror at whether or not I could change that.

That’s unfair. I’ve been the in that other mum situation. A girl in DD’s class was being a real pain in the ass. Teasing my DD mercilessly and saying stuff that scared the hell out of her. As they were at after school club together and this girl stuck to her like glue, it was difficult to know what to do. I knew the mum, we chatted from time to time, but more as acquaintances than friends. The reason I couldn’t raise it with her is that she is absolutely lovely. She will go out of her way to help, is a friendly, happy soul and I knew she would be devastated to be told her girl was doing this. In no way did she have to take a long hard look at herself.

As it goes, I gave DD some ideas of how to deal with it, and the other girl is quite a good friend now, she seems to have grown out of it.

Greeve · 31/07/2019 12:07

I'd personally not want to be viewed as so fragile that I couldn't be told that my child is a bully. So I'd want to change that.

flouncyfanny · 31/07/2019 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/07/2019 12:30

pamelat I don't think ops dd is upset though.

The op is upset on her behalf.

Maybe the woman thinks that an apology doesn't make up for what has happened and the only way to shine a light on what is going on is to vent on SM

NuttyOrNice · 31/07/2019 12:33

^Unless you ahve a screenshot (of the whole conversation) I'd be wary of shit stirrers*

This.

I think I’d probably ignore it though. If the others on the group chat are ignoring her comment then I think you can too. I’d see what happens next term and take it from there.

Sagradafamiliar · 31/07/2019 13:05

I banned DS1 from playing with another child as they brought out the worst in each other and there was always something going on so I put my foot down and said 'no more'. The other mum took it really personally and offered to fight it out 😂 needless to say the apple didn't fall far from that tree.
Her parenting decision doesn't need to be personalised by you OP, it could be more a punishment for her daughter than a dig at yours.

MzHz · 31/07/2019 13:05

Do you know the other mother that has allegedly said things about your dd? If so I would gently raise it with her along the lines of “I heard there might be an issue between the girls, do you know what it was about? Dd says school said it was 50/50 and they both apologised to each other and she was under the impression that it was all resolved. I’d prefer to let them sort their own issues out ideally, but if you think more needs to be said or that I’m missing vital information, I’d be more than happy to chat with you/you both if it helps?”

ShawshanksRedemption · 31/07/2019 13:07

It sounds like both your DD and the other girl were as equal in there being issues in the group friendship at school, hence form teacher had them both apologise. Has DD told you why she apologised and what her part in it was? Was it bad enough that they should stay away from each other for a bit and hence mum saying her DD won't attend event?

Sounds like the other mum isn't able to move on from it, whatever went on. Is she explaining to others why her DD isn't going to this event when asked? Is what the mum said in the group chat true, or is she purposely saying untrue things about your DD whilst painting hers with a halo?

PooFacedPie · 31/07/2019 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsobelRae23 · 31/07/2019 13:14

The other mum shouldn’t be bitching.

Your daughter said it was all sorted. HOWEVER, maybe her daughter has been affected by it way more than your daughter.

Your daughter thinks ‘it’s over with now’. Her daughter may be scared of your daughter. Has your daughter told you the whole truth?

I’m not saying this is what has happened, I’m just trying to give a different perspective.

PixieLumos · 31/07/2019 13:16

Unless there’s some kind of bullying going on, I have no idea why parents would get so over invested in friendship issues between 13 year olds - ‘slating’ a 13 year old on a chat group is not on, but I think just shows that the other parent is a bit pathetic (honestly, some people just love the drama and attention, even if they need to use their kids to get it) and I think you need to rise above petty shit like that - do nothing and like others said be wary of shit stirrers.

happybunny007 · 31/07/2019 13:22

I would speak to the school.

MadamePompadour · 31/07/2019 13:23

Is she bitching or is she just saying that her dd won't go somewhere if your dd is there?

Because the latter is fine. But if she is slagging your dd off then that's not fine.

You need to know for sure what has been said.

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