WWYD - school mum slating my DD’s “behaviour” in a group chat?

[ClareIsland]

Been told that another Mum has slated my DD’s behaviour in a group chat and that her DD will not go to an event if mine goes. I have asked my DD (13) what has gone on. She said that there had been some issues in their friendship group at school at the end of term - form teacher had investigated it and asked them to apologise to each other. School didn’t contact me. I am all for supporting my children to resolve conflict themselves but this one seems to have rumbled on and reached another level with parents. Do I need to approach the other parent to ask them to work together on resolving this directly rather than brandishing my DD with a reputation she doesn’t deserve?

I think you need to reserve judgement until you know what went on. You have left them to resolve the conflict themselves but that obviously isn’t enough for this situation.

You need to find out exactly what has gone on here, because you may well not have the full story either from your DD or from the person who reported this conversation.

I would contact the school and ask what happened, and also contact the other mother in the spirit of "Oh my lord, I just found out there's been a bit of a to-do between X and Y at school. I had no idea. I'm trying to get to the bottom of what happened - what did your DD tell you? According to DD they had a row but apologised to each other and it's over? Am keen that they start next term with a clean beginning!" And be prepared to listen to the answer open-mindedly.

On the whole, I would say don't get caught up in it and let the girls sort it out themselves.

Although I would like to know what the problematic 'behaviour' is. General end-of-year fallings out I would leave. Anything like threats, harm to self or others etc I would want more details about so that I could talk to my dd more.

So your daughter just said there had been some isssues between them but not what the issues were or what actually happened?

This would make me question whether it was my child who had caused these issues/ minor bullying as saying some issues is not full disclosure of the facts.

I would be concerned that more had gone on here. Your daughter didnt tell you until you asked and it all sounds very vague.
You need to find out what has happened.
The fact she spoke in a group chat about it shes obviously frustrated perhaps the school havent dealt with it properly and shes venting. You didnt know after all.
I also would never go on peoples say so until I would see the messages for myself people can interpret things differently.

I'm sure your dd isn't the only one in this situation, but if you don't know the full story how do you know he slating isn't deserved, or what your dd is meant to have done.

OP I'd tread carefully and fgs do not do as Teddy suggested upthread and fishwife at the woman in public.

First, people are allowed to discuss things with their friends. If she was on a closed chat group and simply mentioned that her daughter wouldn't be attending an event, that is really fine (albeit maybe hurtful to you).

Second, be sure you really know what's gone on. My DD1 has been bullied by a fellow preschooler BUT I know her mum has had a very hard time recently and I chose not to raise it with her as the two girls will be going to different schools soon and I didn't think there was much point.

Equally, my sister (much younger than me) was bullied really badly at secondary. We tried raising it with the mother who was simply awful about it and wouldn't believe her child had done anything wrong. The girl was apparently a 'nice' middle class teen at a grammar but had really got carried away with saying horrendous things on social media. Probably not fully realising how it would have felt to be on the receiving end.

Can you hand on heart say you know your daughter mightn't have done something similar?

Eurgh I would definitely confront her, it is so disgusting that a grown woman would be derogatory about a young girl. She probably thinks her child can do no wrong.

I also bet that as you were not contacted by the school, she wasn't either, so only heard her daughters side of the story.

I wouldn't talk to the other mother, I'd talk to the school and find out what it was about. It can't have been THAT serious if you weren't notified (well, in an ideal world, anyway) but it would be a better option than getting the other girl's side of it, which is all her mother would have heard anyway.

Then just send your DD to whatever it was anyway because why the fuck should she miss out on it? If Other MOther doesn't want to let her DD go if yours does, that's her look out, not yours.

Why don’t you call her and get the facts then take it from there? If she has discussed it on a group chat that’s not great but at least you know now that there’s a problem.

I’d definitely be speaking to her - although getting involved in kids arguments is draining but you have to stand up for your DD.

Totally agree with PixieLumos, it's totally pathetic that things like this get so blown up these days.. That complaining woman must be short of something better to do. Thank god we didn't have phones and group chat things in my children's school days.

First of all I'd want a screenshot before I'd take anything as fact. No offence to your friends but stories tend to grow arms and legs in the telling, so I'd want to know exactly what was said and in what context.

I'd also want to speak to the school to find out exactly what happened and why you weren't contacted. I can't help but think it can't have been that serious if you weren't called in? DS1s school (secondary) calls if there's been anything over a bit of niggling over a few days.

If she has been slating your DD on a group text then I think you've got every right to ask her to stop, and to keep communication about any issues between herself and the school. Because let's face it, it's a nasty piece of work that gets off on slating a child (irrespective of behaviour!) to other adults.

There's a wee girl in DDs class whose behaviour is pretty wild (huge backstory, neglect, abuse, now in care) and I was horrified to hear a group of mothers in the playground talking about her the way they'd slag off an adult (name calling, swearing, the works).

I fairly bluntly said that she's 5 years old, and that their behaviour was far worse than anything she'd done because they're supposed to be bloody adults!

Some great advice - good to see many perspectives. The school will have the most objective overview and insight to the friendship group issue as they have managed it and chosen not to involve the parents - so it is best that I check in within them directly........hopefully it will dissipate over the summer break.